Page 100 of Baby, One More Time

What kind of person is she?

Will she be one of those ex-wives who hate their ex-partner’s new families?

I watch an interview. She doesn’t seem evil. And she will still be living abroad most of the time. Or at least while her show keeps filming, which, hopefully, given the size of the books it’s based on, will be a while. And if John says I have nothing to worry about, I can believe him…

Like you believed him when he said he’d never leave you when you were together?

That was a long time ago, I reason. I honestly think he’s telling the truth this time.

Still, on Christmas Day, I behave the opposite of Thanksgiving and arrive at my parents’ two hours early. I plant myself in the living room, draw all the curtains and leave just a sliver of window free that allows me enough room to spy on John’s driveway.

That’s how my sister finds me when she comes downstairs. “What are you doing?”

“Spying on John,” I say.

“Why?”

“His ex, the actress, is coming over for Christmas to see Nora.”

Teresa low whistles. “And let me guess, you’re losing your marbles with jealousy.”

“Wouldn’t you?”

Tessie sits in the window nook next to me. “From what Katy told me about their marriage, you have nothing to worry about.”

“John said the same thing, but—oh, that’s her.”

A cab has just pulled up in front of John’s house and a petite, beautiful woman is walking up the driveway. She’s wearing a stylish black coat, and high-heeled boots, and her long strawberry blonde hair is cascading down her back in waves. Nora runs out of the house to greet her, and they hug each other tightly.

I watch from a distance, feeling a twinge of primal possessiveness I’ve no right to feel. Sierra is Nora’s mother, not me.

John comes out of the house next and Sierra lets go of her daughter to stare up at her ex-husband.

I can’t make out their expressions this far away, but the reunion seems momentous.

He walks over to them and plants a kiss on her cheek before they also hug. She looks in my direction. I shrink back, wondering if she can see me through the curtains. But neither she nor John seem to notice, instead they turn their attention back to Nora, who is now pulling her mother toward the house.

Tessie puts a hand on my arm. “Come on, let’s go eat some lasagna. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you keep watching.”

I nod, reluctantly turning away from the window and joining my family in the dining room. Given the disaster our last holiday was, Mom requested my pre-approval on the menu, so it’s mostly carbs. And while the food is enjoyable, my mind keeps wandering back to John and Sierra and the fact that they are together, in the same house. It’s hard not to feel like an outsider, like I don’t quite belong.

After we’re done eating, I can’t help it and plant myself back on watch duty. She’s spending an awful lot of time in there. It’s already past seven before she finally leaves, taking Nora with her—no doubt to spoil her with some swanky hotel stay and a shower of gifts.

John is alone. I could go over and talk to him. Instead, I pretend to be tired, say goodnight to my parents and sister, and go to bed in my old room, keeping the lights off so he won’t know I’m here.

43

MARISSA

One Month Later

“Do you want to know the sex?” Dr. Townsend asks me as I lie on the examination bed with my jelled-up, eighteen-week pregnant belly jutting out in the air.

Things have settled down since Christmas. John’s ex has returned to Europe or Africa or wherever it is that her TV show is being filmed, and I’ve done my best to push the idea of her still being a part of John and Nora’s life in a dark corner of my mind I try to never visit. What hasn’t changed is my impasse with John.

I still haven’t given him an answer to whether I want to be more than mere co-parents, a real family, because I don’t know what to tell him. The fear he’ll abandon me one day is still paralyzing me. And while, maybe, I’d take the leap if it were only me, I’m not sure I can gamble my heart away when I’m about to become a new mom. My baby will need a stable, together figure, not a sobbing, broken-hearted mess. That’s why, so far, I’m planning for what I can control.

I’ve hired a full-time nanny, including John in the interview process so we got someone we both like. I’ve negotiated a leave period of six months with my CEO—Shonda was happy to return the support I gave her when she had her daughter. John and I have started decorating the nurseries both at my house and his. And I’ve already bought a crib over Black Friday. Blake and I have enrolled together in birthing classes—even if it’s ridiculously early—and we’ve chosen the shop to start our registry.

---