Page 26 of The Ties We Break

“I loved your mum, Issy. I can’t even begin to tell you how much pain I was in when she—”

My dad starts his typical explanation, but I can’t bear to hear it this time. So, I shut him off, raising my voice more than I intended. “You don’t have to tell me, Dad! I lost her too! In fact, I lost even more than you did because I lost my dad that day as well. All I was left with was a stranger I had to raise, despite only being a kid myself. You didn’t raise me, Dad. I raised myself. All you had to do was not spend my money, and you couldn’t even do that.”

His stuttering and stumbling voice tries to find the right words as he attempts to fumble his way off the sofa, but I can’t watch anymore. “Look, Dad. I have plans, and I’ll be late if I don’t leave now. I hear your apology. I’m sorry for saying nasty things just now, but they’re all true, which is why they hurt so much. I’m still determined to live my life, Dad. And if you want to help me, or even just to continue being part of my life, you will get clean right now. Find the nearest rehab centre, check yourself in, and get help. If you clean yourself up, I may agree to keep you in my life when I leave for England, but right now, I don’t think I can. I’ll be back later, but it will likely be tomorrow, so don’t wait up.”

I wait for him to say something, but instead, he just picks up his beer bottle and downs a large swig, giving up on his attempt to stand up from the sofa. With a frustrated sigh, I turn and walk out of the living room towards the front door. As I pull my leather jacket from the coat hanger on the wall, my dad’s voice shouts through from the room next door. “I know I have let you down, Issy. I will fix this, I promise.”

Shaking my head, I don’t bother to answer because it’s pointless. His promises stopped meaning anything a long time ago. Throwing my bag into the passenger side of my very old, beat-up Ford Escort, I turn over the engine before starting the drive to the club. Sian knows where I'm going, and honestly, if her moping texts are any indicator, I think she’s a little put out that I didn’t invite her. But, I think Declan plans on doing more things in public today, as that’s an area he’s been pushing me in. It’s something people pay a lot for, and despite my vagina clearly forgetting, I am doing this for the money. But, still, I don’t want my best friend to see what I get up to!

Arriving at the club, I have never felt more of an outsider than I do right now as I park my banged up, bright red Ford with scratches down the bumper and flecks of paint missing all over the bonnet. The poor thing stands out like a sore thumb next to all these sleek, black high-end cars. Some of them even have drivers in them.

I pull my skirt down as I make my way to the entrance. There is a bit of wind around, and I don't want anyone to see my lack of underwear. One good gust of air will see me exposed. But the only problem with pulling the skirt down is that it exposes my neckline and cleavage more, which is holding its own without a bra. In the end, I give it up as a bad job and leave it as it is. I do, however, make sure to discreetly keep hold of the hem to prevent any wind-related accidents.

Walking into the entrance hall, I’m surprised to find a blonde girl working the Front of House job instead of Jasmine. Every time I have been here, which is every night for the last week because the entrance to Declan's flat is through the club, I’ve been greeted by Jasmine. I have come to really like her; she’s the kind of girl who seems to know how you feel, can read you, and knows exactly what to say to make you feel better. I have become slightly more accustomed to staring at her beauty, and she never fails to hit on me at least once. She does it in jest, as she knows Dec doesn't share, but I find her attractive. I’ve never thought that about other women, not before or after meeting Jasmine; it only seems to be her. I’m not saying I want anything to happen with her, but I can admit that I’m attracted to her. Not that I would be bothered if I had feelings for my own gender, I just know that I’ve never had in the past. I’ve always wanted men. My attraction to Jasmine has proven to be a one-off, and I can see why after getting to know her.

Not only is Jas gorgeous, but she’s also one of the nicest people I have ever met. Looking around the empty entranceway, I find nobody except the blonde girl, who I’m reasonably sure will not know how to calm my impending panic. I don’t know why it happens, but panic sets in every time I step foot in the club. Not in a bad way. It’s just the mix of anxiety, anticipation, excitement, and lust; it’s all too much for my poor frazzled nerves to take. Just the very thought has my heart racing even more. My fingers are gripping at the skin around my other fingers, causing a delightful sting, and my breathing becomes erratic as a ringing develops in my ears. The edges of my vision start to blur, and I close my eyes to try and stop the wooziness, but all it does is make it worse.

“Ma’am. I’m sorry, Ma’am. Can you hear me?”

I can hear the whisper of a voice calling to me, but it’s not until I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder that I can start to ground myself. Focusing on that touch, I slow down my breathing as best I can, making sure to count and form a rhythm along the way. As my breathing slows, everything starts to fall into line. When I open my eyes, I find I’m bent over with my hands on my knees, my head between my legs, attempting to gain some sort of composure. Suddenly, I’m very aware that anyone who walks up behind me will get a very explicit eyeful, as this position definitely doesn't retain my dignity.

“Ma’am, are you okay? Shall I call an ambulance? I have called my manager, who will be here any second and will know what to do. Do you need a chair or a glass of water?” Looking up at the poor girl, who at this point is just babbling to herself, now that I’m much closer, I realise she can’t be that much older than me. She clearly hasn’t worked here for very long either, she seems unsure of what to do right now. Wait! Did she say she called her manager? Fuck, I really hope that’s Jasmine and not Declan.

“No, thanks. I’m okay, honestly.” My voice sounds a lot shakier than I intended. Given how her eyebrows furrow, it’s apparent she doesn’t believe me, which is probably why she keeps nervously looking at the curtain entrance to the club, more than likely hoping for someone with more seniority to come and take over.

“Are you a member here?” she asks, clearly unsure if I’ve stumbled in from outside just to have a panic attack in her entranceway. And if it weren’t for the super short skirt and no underwear part, she probably would be right.

Shit, how do I keep forgetting I’m wearing no underwear? How the fuck do you fail to remember something like that? As I stand upright to smooth out my skirt, Declan comes waltzing through the curtain.

The young blonde begins to explain what happened, but as soon as Declan sees that it’s me, he strides over and lifts his hands to my face. Gently he sweeps the hair out of my eyes and cradles my cheeks. The look of concern on his face makes my heart ache.

“Belle, beautiful, what’s the matter? Are you okay?” His voice rushes out, and he sounds soft and caring, but I can hear the slight tinge of apprehension there too.

“I’m sorry, it’s stupid, really. I just had a bit of a panic attack,” I explain as Declan pulls me in for a hug. As I listen to the gentle beat of his heart, mine finally begins to slow, and I start to wonder what I was freaking out about to start with.

Declan, obviously indecisive over how to handle the situation, turns his attention to the new girl. “Why the hell didn’t you get her a chair to sit on, or at least a fucking glass of water? When you called through, if you had told me who it was, I would’ve been here sooner! Are you completely fucking incompetent?” he shouts at the young blonde.

I don’t even need to look at her to see how scared she is, but I can hear her voice hitch alongside a sniffle as she tries to hold it together to reply. “No…I’m sorry…I–I didn’t…who she is—”

Taking pity on her scared rambling, I reluctantly pull back out of Declan’s hold to face him. “Dec, it was my fault. She didn’t know who I was and offered me everything, but I declined. So, please don’t be mad at her. She made the best of a bad situation.”

Looking between the two of us, as I give the terrified blonde a small smile, Declan rolls his eyes before guiding me towards the door. Pulling back the curtain, he shouts over his shoulder at the girl who is now standing behind her podium, no doubt questioning why the hell she works here. “Cassie, I don’t know if you’ve done it yet, but please sign in Belle White here as my guest. She’s on the system as a full member. I will ensure she gets the correct coloured bracelet. I’m no longer on duty. If you have any problems, call Ryan behind the bar. He will know what to do. Understand?”

As Cassie timidly agrees with Declan, he guides me through the club, and before I even know where he is leading me, we go through one of the corridors and into a room marked as Two. Inside there’s a bed, a sofa, and a few cupboards lining the walls. With its array of reds and blacks, it should look tacky and gaudy, but instead, there’s an elegance to it, and the bed looks so comfortable. Though, I try to remember these beds are not for sleeping. Declan leads me to the sofa, and as he sits me down, I see the entire wall I’m facing is covered by a curtain. That’s when it dawns on me; this room looks just like the one I saw last week when I came here for the first time.

Sitting on the sofa with Declan's hands still very much clasped with mine, we turn to face each other and anguish is etched across his face. “Belle, are you okay? And don’t even think about lying to me! What did you have a panic attack over? Was it thinking about what would happen tonight?” His words stumble out so quickly that I struggle to keep up with them all. So I squeeze his hands with a slight smile, a gentle indication that he should stop talking.

I notice a slight blush begins to spread across Dec’s cheeks, and for the first time, he looks almost sheepish, like I shouldn’t be able to see his concern. I have to admit, the rage and harshness he used on Cassie showed me a whole new side of him, one he’s talked about before, but I’ve never seen, nor do I ever want to.

“This is going to sound stupid. But every time I’ve been here, before today, Jasmine has been working Front of House. She always talks to me and helps me relax before coming in. It’s not that I’m scared about what is to come or seeing you. It’s just that she has this weird way of giving me the confidence I didn’t know I needed. So, when she wasn’t here today, I started to freak out. All my insecurities overwhelmed me, and no matter how irrational they may have been, it resulted in a panic attack. I managed to gain control eventually, and Cassie really did try to help, although it’s clear she’s inexperienced. I didn’t like the way you talked to her. I know if you’d talked to me like that, while I was feeling a little useless anyway, I would be seriously down right now. You not only spoke to her like she was a child, but your words were also mean. She did not deserve that.” I don’t know when this explanation of how I was feeling turned into chastising Declan for how he spoke to Cassie, but I also don’t want him to think it’s okay because it’s not.

“Fine, I will apologise to Cassie later on. And I understand what you are saying about how your anxiety was triggered, but what I need to know, Belle is if anything we are doing is giving you or adding to your anxiety. Please do not lie to me on this.”

“No, far from it. I love all my time with you, and I actually look forward to the new challenges. You give me more body confidence than I could have ever dreamed of. So, no, and I promise you I am not lying. Although there are some things I get nervous about, none of them are at the point where they would cause me anxiety. It’s more excited nerves, if that makes sense?” My words make sense in my head, but I’m not sure I am quite explaining them correctly to Dec. I sound a bit vague because I’m deliberately leaving out the important parts he doesn’t need to hear. About the fact my heart actually races in excitement at the idea of seeing him, and that the nerves or worry I feel are more to do with the feelings I’m developing for him than anything else. But he can’t know any of that, so I stick to the slightly more vague response.

Declan leans in and presses his lips against mine. It’s tender, chaste, and incredibly fucking sweet. When he pulls away, the longing and aching in my chest intensifies, and now I know I’m really fucking screwed. “I’m glad you are okay. I have a big night planned, and I will tell you some of the plans to make sure you are fully on board. There will still be some aspects I keep a secret because I need to keep pushing you, but with everything that just happened, I have to make sure you are really alright with what I have planned.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I promise, I’m well enough for anything you want to throw at me,” I say, hoping my reassuring smile is good enough for him. I should have known it wouldn’t be.

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