Page 73 of Savage Temptation

“Eloquent,” she mocked, returning a long lost smile to my face. “But I’m going to need you to elaborate on that.”

I held the bridge of my nose between my fingers, exhaling deeply before my words came tumbling out directly from my brain without a filter. “I don’t care. How can I not care? How can I be okay with knowing that Liam has killed people? I know he has, yet it hasn’t changed how I feel about him. It hasn’t changed the fact that I feel the safest I’ve ever felt in my life when I’m with him. It should have changed everything, but it didn’t. What kind of person does it make me when I don’t find it in me to care?” My tone was hushed for obvious reasons, but even so, it didn’t lack frustration, guilt, and impatience.

I’d been bouncing between two versions of myself for two weeks, finding that this ball always wanted to land in his court.

“The kind that loves and wants to be loved.” Alison simply stated. “Do you really mind falling in love with the devil? So long as he loves you as much as he loves Hell, I really don’t see any problem. Besides, Liam isn’t all that. He’s conflicted. A wolf, sure, but the skin doesn’t suit him. But neither does the sheep’s. My brother is lost between what he is and what he thinks he should be, just like you are balancing now between what you feel and what you should feel. Some things are born with you, you don’t get to choose,” I knew all about that. “And in our case, there’s no opt-in or out button we can click. This is who my family is, and has been since its genesis. Labeling it as right or wrong? That highly depends on the agenda.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s this notion of righteousness that’s shoved down our throats from the moment we draw our first breath. Tell me, what comes to mind when you think about justice?”

“Well… umm, police, court, judges. I don’t know.”

“Exactly. All the high figures that should be monitoring the scale of equality and justice. Yet those are the first pawns to fall under the veil of corruption. Hardly any keep their own agenda from interfering with their jobs. How many innocent people have lost their lives because of it? Bribes, rape, theft, drug dealing, turning a blind eye, or actively meddling to achieve the result that benefits them the most. They do it all and get away with it just because they are on the ‘right’ side of the law. Does that seem like justice? Raging wars against other countries for self-interest, sending our own to kill innocent people and die far away from home, from their loved ones. Is that just? They hide behind a façade of justice and virtue. At least we admit to what we do, which doesn’t necessarily mean it’s always bad. We are guided by values like respect, loyalty, family, and truth. We protect our own in this fucked up world. I’m not saying we are the example of goodness, but we are also not the only bad guys. There’s a whole gray area you should consider. This notion of what’s right is what’s holding you back from being happy. Why are you letting others dictate how you should be feeling?”

Alison’s voice was unwavering, her reasoning making a whole lot of sense to me, or maybe I was just dying to find an out. “Why are you looking for a definition for yourself? Why can’t you just be Jamie who’s in love with Liam?”

Jamie who’s in love with Liam.

Hearing those words out loud was like a gust of fresh air hitting me straight in the face. I wasn’t the one saying them, but still, having the truth that was strangling me thrown into the world like that felt liberating somehow.

A thrilling shiver ran through my body at the possibilities brought by admitting to that truth.

“Are you afraid of him?”

“What?”

“Are you afraid of my brother?”

“No!” I firmly stated, my reply laced with indignance.

“Do you think he would ever harm you? Because I strongly believe that he would kill anyone who tried hurting you without so much as a second thought. I’d sit on the bleachers and cheer him the fuck on.” Alison said, squeezing my hand in reassurance while my brain was stuck on that word she added in that sentence without flinching.

“It’s hard for me to imagine Liam doing that. Killing someone.” It came out like acid that burned its way up my throat, making me take back the two steps forward the L word had made me take towards accepting my feelings.

“Everyone is capable of killing under the right circumstance, Jamie.” I found it hard to believe and even accept. “Maybe one day he can tell you who those people were and settle that heart of yours. If you give him the chance, that is.”

“You’re in it, too?”

“It’s our heritage, Jamie. A part of who we are. But I’m not in it. Not like my brothers.” Alison admitted. “They do their best to keep me in the dark. Some things bother me, too. I just love them too much to make those things bigger than what I feel for them.” Her candid smile was blinding, the love she felt for her brothers was pure and all-conquering. “Family is everything for us. To me, you are family now, too, whether you decide to admit that you love a criminal or not.”

I gave her a small smile in return for her warm words, but the lump in my throat just wouldn’t budge.

“A criminal…”

“That’s all you got from what I said?”

“No, of course not.”

“Let me ask you this: you do realize that Liam will not stay single forever, right? And that if you choose to ignore what your heart is telling you, he will one day find someone and settle. How do you feel about that image? My brother, married to another woman?”

Bile rose to my mouth, followed by anger and a swamping sadness that tore my heart to pieces.

I’m that woman. No one else. ME.

Alison was stuck in a loop of nods, her smile telling me she could read my mind in that moment, her green eyes glistening in victory.

“Exactly. You don’t know her and you already want to rip her to pieces. You love him. Don’t lie to me or yourself.”

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