Page 43 of The Mobster's Nanny

If I wanted, I think I’d be able to kill at least one of them, and I feel the thirst for blood soaring in my veins. But all of a sudden, Liss’s words ring in my ears, and I blink out of it and glance at her. She’s still leaning down with her hands on the top of her head, peeking at the Mexicans over the panel. She hates them just as much as I do, but she found enough strength in her heart to give that Escarra man mercy.

She wants to believe in love in this world—and I want to make the world better for her.

So instead of following the Mexicans, I back out of the path leading to the station and turn around to drive in the opposite direction. I can hear them firing at my car a couple of times, but I’m way ahead of them. There’s no way they can catch me at this point.

“Oh god,” I hear Liss breathe out when we drive out onto the open road. She straightens up, looks behind her shoulder to check if they’re chasing us—they aren’t—and slumps into her seat with a heavy exhale.

I chuckle, glancing at her. “Was that your first gunfight?”

“Yes! I mean, where else would I get into something like that?” She sounds shaken, and it seems that the adrenaline is still high in her veins. Yeah, well, it takes a lifetime to learn how to stay collected on the brink of death—even though we weren’t anywhere close to it.

I shrug, keeping my gaze on the road. “I don’t know. Maybe the Escarras have taught you something already.”

I know it’s not the best call to bring up our last conversation out of nowhere, but I can’t just leave it as it is. I can’t forget the fact that Liss was working with them,for them, for years, even if I don’t know what to think about it now. The feeling of utter betrayal that burst in my chest when I found that dagger under her pillow has long shifted into something less hostile and more longing—and today’s events have only made it clearer.

Liss doesn’t say anything for a moment, and when I finally glance at her, I see her staring at her own hands fiddling with the straps of her backpack. She’s probably gathering herself for her response, and I understand how hard it is to talk about the mistakes of the past, so I give her time until she finally takes a deep breath.

“I’ve never been close to them. Giovanni is the only one I know, I swear.” She swallows and, after a short pause, looks up at me. “Matteo, I never got a chance to apologize, but…I’m sorry. For everything.”

What can I say to that? Something in my chest shifts when I hear her words, the cold clutches of despair let go of my heart, and I have to take a deep breath to calm down the sudden stream of emotions flowing through me. Disbelief, hurt, sadness, relief—everything mixes into one big pattern of feelings, and for a long moment, I’m unable to say anything because there’s not a single coherent thought in my mind.

“You know,” I finally say, not looking at Liss, “it’s not so simple. I can't just get it out of my mind.”

She sighs and nods solemnly, staring at her hands again. “I know.”

"But I can't get you out of my heart either."

From the corner of my eye, I see Liss perk up and look at me briefly, and I don't have to meet her gaze to feel hope exuding from her. Am I being crazy? Should I forgive her so easily? But while my mind is overwhelmed with questions, my heart is already beating faster, sending waves of warmth through my body.

God, I want to hate her—but I can't. I love her too much.

"Since that day,that morning, I've been so…lost and miserable." I chuckle bitterly, admitting to the deepest weakness of my heart, but I feel like it's important to let it out. I have to tell her everything. "Everything has been so different without you, and I—I just couldn't find a place in my own life anymore. I was thinking about you every day and night, even though it hurt. I was so mad at you at first, but now…now, I think I understand you."

I glance at Liss and meet her gaze right away, her hazel eyes looking into my soul. The crease between her eyebrows, her pursed lips, the dark depth in her eyes—Liss looks at me with a look of sympathy and sorrow, and I feel like it heals something inside of me. The wounds of my heart are closing up one by one.

"Do you?" she asks quietly, and I nod, returning my focus to the road.

"I lost the one I loved too.” I sigh with the weight of memories and shake my head. “I know what it's like to feel all that pain and grief, when it chokes you from inside without a way out. There's no way to make it easier, and you can only think about making them suffer. The people who took your loved one away."

I pause to find better words and hear Liss breathe out quietly before asking, “Did you…did you go after them too?”

“Oh, yes.” I chuckle, remembering the ferocity with which I tracked down the Mexicans the first few months after Sienna died. “But I wasn’t alone. I’m never alone. Riccardo, Paolo, and everyone else in my family swore to get our revenge at the Escarras. We dug up the names and backgrounds of each person involved in that explosion, and we eliminated all of them—except for that bastard Gerardo.”

The memory brings up the fiery anger in my heart, the resentment toward the Escarra family that has only been growing over the years. With every passing year, their methods have been growing more dirty and gruesome, and the girl in front of me is an example. How could they lie to her about Hank? How could they use her like that? And then…

“God, you have no idea how fucked up they are—and when I found out that you went there on your own? I almost lost my goddamn mind.” I grip the wheel tighter with one hand and run the other over my hair, gripping it tightly to distract myself from the heartache overwhelming me from within. “I’ve never been so scared for anything in my life. I had dozens, hundreds of scenarios in my head, each one worse than the other. What if he knew you wanted to kill him? What if they captured you as a hostage? What if they—”

I don’t finish the sentence, but I think it’s clear enough. I breathe out sharply and return both hands to the wheel, staring at the car in front of me and driving on autopilot while my mind is drowning in the darkness of my thoughts.

“I could’ve lost you forever,” I mutter more to myself than to her, feeling the thought squeezing my heart. “God, it was so painful to even think about it. I wouldn’t be able to live without you, I just—”

I cut myself off to take a breath and calm down my thoughts when, all of a sudden, I feel a touch on my hand. I got so deep in my mind that I completely lost track of Liss’s movements—and it looks like she’s been watching me the whole time. Her hand reaches out to lie on my wrist and squeeze it ever so slightly without distracting me from driving.

But before she can pull it back, I take my hand off the wheel and follow her touch, putting my hand on her lap. Driving with one hand is not a big deal, especially when my heart is ready to burst with affection. Liss folds her fingers around my hand and holds it carefully before pressing a kiss to my knuckles, and at this moment, I feel like I could turn the world upside down for her.

“I had the same feelings,” she says quietly after a moment, drawing invisible lines on my palm. “When I was there with Giovanni, I almost—I almost killed him. I was ready to do it, I really was—but then, I thought about you and Romeo and how…how everything would change if I pulled the trigger, you know?”

She looks up at me, and in the fleeting moment that I catch her gaze, I see the reflection of my own love and pain.

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