Page 168 of A Second Dawn

Right this instant, Ella is in the arms of another man. The thought is like poison to me. If I had managed to eat anything for dinner, I’m certain I’d throw it up violently.

The way her eyes lit up when she looked at him was like driving a dagger into my chest. There’s a surprising ease between them, despite the tension her fall and this whole fucked up situation created.

He loves her. It’s as plain as day.

I can see it in every gesture toward her, in every bloody touch and in his eyes when he looks at her. It’s a palpable force.

I wrestle with a mixture of anger, helplessness, and a gnawing ache deep in my chest.

And I only have myself to blame. I played a role in this. My own failures led us to this point. Oh, and Rhia of course.

The weight of my personal responsibility bears down on me, threatening to crush my chest with every beat. The pain is suffocating.

Words spoken years ago float into my mind.“Scrutinize your smallest decision.”

Fucking Master Sachinanda. He knew, he fucking knew and didn’t tell me.

“Fuck!” I mumble, but really, I want to yell and punch a hole in the wall.

Claudette turns on her mattress and faces me. She’s only a few feet away, and seeing my anguish, sits up. Compassion fills her eyes, and she crawls over to where I am, finding a comfortable position sitting cross-legged in front of me.

Not saying a word, she takes my hands, her warmth an anchor in this stormy ocean of my emotions.

I close my eyes, trying to calm my racing heart and deal with the disappointment the memory of Sachinanda’s words brought forth.

Why didn’t he tell me? Why wasn’t he more specific? All of this could have been prevented if only he’d spoken up.

“He knew,” I whisper, opening my eyes again.

Claudette’s face remains relaxed and open, her calm helping me find some semblance of equilibrium.

“Who knew what?” she asks.

Instead of answering her question, I repeat the words that are now haunting me. “Scrutinize your smallest decision, he said. I didn’t do that. And now everything is lost.”

Claudette blinks at me, not understanding what I’m going on about.

“I always listen to my gut.” My voice sounds bitter, each word brimming with self-loathing. “It told me to go and talk to her. I didn’t. I fucking didn’t and now she’s never going to be mine.”

“We’re talking about Ella. That much I can decipher, but the rest? Start from the beginning. I’m good at reading energies, not minds.” Claudette’s voice cuts through the fog of my thoughts, but it’s distant, as if coming from a world I can’t quite reach.

I hardly hear her, consumed by my grief and anger at myself. How could I have been so foolish, so blind, to ignore that instinct that has guided me so often before?

I replay the scene in my mind, torturing myself with the vivid memory of that moment when I first saw Ella in Sicily, and that flicker of recognition and maybe something more passing between us.

“Aiden,” Claudette snaps her fingers in front of my face. “Talk to me,” she whispers.

My eyes meet her kind ones. They’re like a soothing balm. “Sicily… that’s where I saw Ella for the first time. My instincts were pushing me to cross that hotel lobby and talk to her. I was so goddam drawn to her, but what did I do?”

“What did you do?” she asks, inclining her head to the side.

I drop my head into my hands. “Nothing. I did fucking nothing. I hesitated. And then she was gone. I let Lex drag me to the airport, and I flew back to my friends in Greece thinking that I would forget her. But I couldn’t. I let the opportunity slip through my fingers.”

My fingers clench into fists, frustration boiling within me. I want to shake sense into my past self, to make him understand the gravity of his inaction. “She was there, right within reach, and I let her slip away,” I mumble. “I was such a fucking idiot.”

Regret is a useless emotion. But I’m filled with it.

“You’re being too harsh on yourself, Ade. You saw a girl across the lobby of a hotel. Yes, you were drawn to her, but you had plans and you stuck to them. That’s a normal thing to do. You don’t go after every person you find attractive.”

---