Page 159 of Murder

His features tighten. He pulls me close and buries his face in my shoulder.

“I wish he had,” he chokes.

“I know.” I hug him tightly, wrap my hand around the back of his head. “I know. Now you’re someone else, and even though they feel so strong, all that, your memories—are only memories now. We can’t reach back in time, you know? So you have to think of yourself as someone new now. You’re what’s left. And all the misery? That stuff belongs with the dead.”

“You can’t see it?”

“See what?”

He shoulders shiver. “I feel…like everyone can see it,” he says in a broken voice.

“What can we see?”

“I’m not just a guy.”

“You are.” I stroke his strong back. “You’re my guy next door.” His eyes flicker to mine. They’re dark. “Let me ask you this, Barrett: Have you killed anybody here?”

His face pales. I feel bad about asking such a harsh question, but I press on. “Have you?”

“No.”

“Have you lost any friends in that house next door? In real time?”

He shakes his head.

“Heard a bomb?”

He shakes his head again.

“Have you been wounded there?” I smirk slightly, remembering our meeting. “In a serious way?”

He shakes his head.

“You’re not going to see another IED, Barrett. One time when you were dreaming, you were talking about a tourniquet. You don’t have one of those here. You don’t need one here. The Barrett who needed one is gone. You have to leave him there. I think you did already. Maybe part of you feels like you have to get him back. To sort through all that and atone…” I gnaw my lip, shaking my head. “I don’t know what’s in your mind, but I know you can’t. The only thing you have is from this point forward, and from here on out, you are not an Operator. You’re just my neighbor. Someone I love. You can’t be anybody else, unless you want to. Choose to. And that person would be new, too.”

I stroke the back of his head. “You—the one here now—are who I want. And I love you, Barrett. I want you to be fed well and feel good. You are beautiful to me…and valuable. I want to keep you.”

He holds me tightly. “I love you…Gwen. I don’t know how to…not be scared.”

Of what, I almost ask, but I think I can fill in the blank. Scared I’ll leave. Scared everything will fall apart. Scared that his past will reach into the future and get him. I squeeze him to me.

“If you start to worry, just tell me. I’m scared too. Nervous. I think the more you’ve lost in life, the harder it is to invest yourself in the future. I get that.”

“Yeah.” The soft word fades into silence. Barrett just keeps holding me, and my heart aches, and breaks, and swells again with love for him.

NINE

BARRETT

Finally, I lift my head. My face is hot. My throat still feels kind of tight and thick. But the second our eyes meet, I feel all the tension melt away.

She smiles, and it’s a smile that says she really does love me. I think of what she said—about how the other versions of me are dead and gone. It sounds weird, but…I think I like it. Gone is where I want them. It’s the only thing that feels right.

How strange that she knew. She knew what to say. But then…of course she did. From the first day I watched her, I had a feeling she and I were linked.

I smile back at her. I have the impulse to pull my dick out, just to show her I still have it after all the waterworks. The thought makes me smile a little more, and her smile widens, too.

“I love your smile,” she says.

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