Page 32 of Hard to Forgive

“A lot better than I was. We talked about it, and while we loved each other, I don’t think either one of us really felt like this was a forever thing.” It had seemed like a forever thing from where I was sitting, but I trusted Matt enough to know if he felt that way about someone. “I think we were both kind of settling with each other. We were happy, but…” He trailed off as he stared into space for a moment. He’d been doing that for years. We called it his buffering time. “We were missing something.”

I nodded. I’d had a relationship like that in college. We’d been happy together. We had great sex, but it had never felt imperative that we stay together. I’d loved him, but when we decided to call it quits, we’d both been okay with it. After a night of binge drinking and waking up with a killer hangover on my part, but that was irrelevant.

Seb herded us out the door and to the parking lot. Matt had ridden with Seb, but I opted to take my own car to Goliath. I didn’t want to be stuck if I started feeling like crap again or if the tenuous grasp on my anxiety slipped. I also didn’t want to depend on someone else to get me home, ruining one of my friend’s nights, if that happened.

Despite leaving at the same time, Seb and Matt somehow still beat me to the club. They were already at the door by the time I’d gotten out of my car. We walked in together and found a table to call home while we waited for Eli and Holden. For once, they weren’t too late.

“He dragged me away from my work,” Eli explained when Matt pointed out that we wereallthere a few minutes before our usually scheduled time.

“I didn’t drag you,” Holden argued.

They slid onto bar stools next to each other while Matt hopped down from his to get our first round of drinks. By the time Matt came back, we were already comfortable. We spent the first part of the evening just catching up, even though we’d all spoken to each other in some combination every night that week.

“How are things going with Dick Face?” Eli asked during a lull in the conversation.

“He’s still a dick,” I assured him. “He won’t leave me the fuck alone.”

“You should talk to your project manager,” Eli advised. “If he’s harassing you…”

I sighed. “He’s not. He just keeps looking at me or coming over to my desk and bugging me.”

“Is he actually, or are you just being overly sensitive?” Matt asked pragmatically.

“Practically stalking,” I answered. “I wasn’t at my desk for five minutes before he was over there today.”

“Maybe he just wants another round in the sack,” Holden suggested as he took a sip of the beer Matt had brought him.

I hadn’t quite told them that we’d had another round. There was no way in hell I was opening that can of worms. I didn’t want them analyzing why I’d hooked up with him after knowing who he was.

I really didn’t want a lecture about self-destructive sexual choices from Matt when they all heard the whole story.

Not worth it.

“Jonas is not sleeping with him again,” Seb said with a kind of confidence I wish were earned. I swallowed down my urge to correct him.

“Regardless on if he wants another ride on the Jonas Express or not, he still doesn’t have to be a dick. Actually, if he’s shooting his shot for a round two, then he really shouldn’t be a dick. Arewe back in grade school?” Eli demanded. “He’s a grown ass man. If he wants a second round—”

“Can we stop talking about Silas and second rounds?” I exploded. It was either that or blurting out the fact that it had already happened. “I’m not hooking up with him again, so it’s a moot point.” That part was at least true. “In fact, can we stop talking about him at all? I have to deal with him enough at work.”

Four sets of eyes turned on me. Four sets of shocked, wide eyes, because I didn’t explode like that often. I took a deep breath and prepared to apologize.

Eli beat me to it. “Sorry. I brought him up, somea culpa.”

A rare awkward silence settled over the table. It lasted for a few seconds before Holden broke it with the suggestion of dancing. We left the table as a group and made our way to the dance floor.

While we danced, I didn’t have to think. I didn’t have to worry. I felt safe dancing in a group with my friends. They’d always been the ones to make me feel safest, the ones to make me feel like I was at home. If I could bottle it up, I wouldn’t need my anxiety meds, because they were more effective.

Matt was the first to bow out of dancing. Seb was the first to be pulled away by a dark haired man who seemed very interested in him. Holden and Eli danced together as a song shifted, and I slipped off of the dance floor. Matt was back at our table with a fresh beer. He’d had the foresight to order a few more for the table. I took the empty stool next to him and grabbed one of the unopened bottles.

“Thought you would’ve been out there with Seb longer,” Matt commented.

“He got pulled away.”

Matt and I shared a grin. We both knew what that meant. “Can I get a ride home from you tonight? If things go Seb’s way, I mean.”

“Yeah,” I promised. “And then you can stop him from worrying when he doesn’t shoot his shot because you’re riding with him.”

Matt nodded. We’d seen this play out with Seb a few times. The man had passed on more than one hook up simply because he didn’t want to risk one of us being stranded without a ride. While I couldn’t control anything in my own life, I could at least prevent Seb’s Mama Hen traits keep him from getting laid.

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