Page 29 of Hard to Forgive

“In my defense, I did not know who he was the first time.”

“You did when you fucked him tonight, so that defense holds no water.”

“You can’t see it, but I’m flipping you off,” I muttered as I flopped backward on my couch. “But what is it about him that makes me an idiot? I fucked up in high school because of him, and now this?”

Mariah was quiet for a moment before finally speaking. When she did, there was no sarcasm in her voice for what had to be thefirst time in the years I’d known her. “He was the first guy you noticed. He was the first guy you kissed, and that shaped you into who you are now. There’s a part of you that’s always going to notice him because of that.”

I sighed. “Why couldn’t I have noticedanyoneelse?”

Mariah let out a loud laugh. “Oh babe, if you did that, you wouldn’t be you.” I wished I weren’t me right about then, but being me was not something that could be changed. And I was fully aware that after this bout of self-flagellation ended, I wouldn’t want to change that anyway. “Okay, are we done talking about you now? I kind of want to tell you what you were interrupting.”

“We’re done talking about me. For now. Because you know we’ll never be done talking about me.”

Mariah laughed and started telling me all about the guy she had over.

I didn’t know what to expect when I stepped into the office on Monday morning. I knew what I hoped for.

I hoped that Jonas would apologize to Isabel.

I hoped that he’d actually acknowledge me, that I would have been successful in fucking the giant stick out of his ass.

I hoped that if he chose not to acknowledge me, he’d at least be treating everyone else on our team civilly.

Instead, when I stepped into our work area on Monday, Jonas was nowhere to be found. The morning huddle came and went without a sign of the sulking man child I’d hooked up with Friday and had spent the entire weekend thinking about.Thinking about and berating myself over, because how could I have hooked up with him after he was such a dick to Isabel?

One thing I knew for sure: she could never find out. I really enjoyed my friendship with her, and she’d be angry enough about me confronting him. I imagined she’d feel betrayed if she knew what that confrontation had turned into: images that would fill my spank bank for at least another year.

After the morning huddle, Isabel and I walked over to the desks we’d claimed the week before. She pulled her rolling chair over to mine immediately. “At least we don’t have to worry about Jonas ruining the vibe for everyone,” she commented darkly.

I covered my heart with my hand dramatically. “Are those claws underneath that sweet exterior?” I teased. In the little more than a week that I’d known her, I’d never heard her say one bad word about anyone.

She’d even played devil’s advocate for a bitchy counter person at the restaurant we’d eaten lunch at the Wednesday before. If anyone had deserved the claws, it had been them. Instead, Isabel had talked about how the person was probably just having a bad day. She’d even tossed extra in the tip jar to cheer them up.

She sighed. Frustration was painted all over her face. “I know he was probably just having a really bad day,” she admitted, “but he really hurt my feelings, Si. I spent all weekend thinking about it, and honestly?” She inhaled a deep breath and looked around before leaning in closer to whisper a confession. “I’m pissed about it.”

I looked over at her. Her expression was pained just saying the words, and she was biting her bottom lip, like she was holding in more words. Guilt twisted in my stomach. She’d spent all weekend replaying the stuff Jonas had said to her, and I’d spent all weekend reliving the sounds Jonas made as I’d fucked him over his bathroom sink.

I was a shitty friend.

“Maybe he’ll apologize,” I muttered hopefully.

Isabel gave me a strange look, eyes narrowed in suspicion. I could understand that. Last week, I’d been the one going out of my way to annoy Jonas and then bitching to her when he didn’t give me the attention I was aiming for. “I’m pretty sure to apologize, he’d have to have a heart.”

I snorted in spite of myself. “We’ll see, but let’s stop worrying about him and actually see what Yvette wants us to do today.”

She sighed and reached over me to open my laptop. I pulled up the email and clicked on a link Yvette had sent to a project management document she’d set up over the weekend. There was a tab specifically for each person’s project. I groaned as I read mine.

“Looks like we don’t get to work together today,” I informed her, angling the screen toward her. “Enjoy breaking up the dream team.” Because she was assigned to work with Declan that day on some logic for one page while I was with Logan on another.

“Wonder if we could convince them to all work together?” Isabel suggested.

I looked over at where Declan and Logan were frowning at the assignments and smiled at Isabel. “Brilliant plan. Let’s go ask.”

Without Jonas there, the work day sped by.

Jonas wasn’t at work on Tuesday either. He didn’t come back until Thursday. He handed a piece of paper to Yvette and made his way to the desk in the corner, the same desk he’d been haunting since the first day of the project almost two weeks before.

I studied him from my desk for a moment.

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