Page 47 of Hard to Forgive

“Doesn’t really look like nothing,” he commented. “Unless that’s code for it’s nothing that concerns me?”

“It’s nothing that I want to get into right now.” I was surprised by my own amendment, but more surprised with the fact that I kind of wanted to tell him. I swallowed before making my decision. “Can you come over tonight? Maybe I’ll tell you about it then.”

Silas narrowed his eyes suspiciously before nodding. “Yeah.”

“Cool. We can order pizza or something. Maybe even work on some of these redesigns.”

The mention of the redesigns focused us. I tried not to think about the fact that soon, I’d have to talk to Silas about high school, about the role that he played in making it a living hell for me.

But I had the answer to Seb’s question. I could get past it, but not if I ignored it the way I had been.

My therapist would be so proud.

I paced my apartment as I waited for Silas to show up. He’d had something he needed to do after work, and that meant I had to wait. I couldn’t just pull the band-aid off and get it over with, which was what I’d prefer.

By the time he knocked on the door, the half-moon indentations on my palm were looking to be permanent. I let him in and motioned him to the couch, pointedly ignoring the wall where he’d taken me apart that night when he came to yell at me for making Isabel cry. It would be too easy to let myself get distracted by the wall and the attractive man in my foyer, to use both of those things as a means of avoiding the conversation that we needed to have.

Luckily, Silas seemed to pick up on the fact that this was important, even if he didn’t know whatthiswas.

“So are you going to tell me about the clenched fist thing?” Silas asked after he sat down.

I sat beside him, curling one leg under my body as I angled myself to face him. “Yeah. But first, do you remember high school?”

“Like in general?” He snorted. “It was only seven years ago, Jonas. My memory isn’t that far gone.”

I glowered at him. “I mean do you remember me from high school?”

The teasing glint in his eyes disappeared. His face grew somber, and he nodded. “I remember kissing you in the locker room.”

Okay, so he did remember what happened between us in high school. At least I didn’t have to remind him. That would have been a pain in the ass, and it would also be a massive kick in the ego. I wasn’t sure I could handle hearing that I’d made no impression on him, when he’d defined so much of my high school experience.

I drew in a deep breath. “Do you remember what happened after?”

“Nothing happened after.”

Okay, so he didn’t know all of it. I almost wished that he did. I wished that the stuff that happened after had made an impact on him the way it did me.

I decided to start at the beginning. “I had a massive crush on you back then.” I sighed. “It didn’t matter, because you wereyou, and I was just some dorky kid you didn’t even know existed. Sometimes, I didn’t know if I liked you or if I wanted to be you. You seemed to have everything, you know? Rich parents, a loving relationship, a shit load of friends.”

He snorted. “Friends that I don’t even talk to anymore?” he questioned. “Pretty sure you’re the one that’s actually friends with your high school friends.”

“Not the point,” I interrupted. He was not getting me off track, not when I’d already started. I closed my eyes. “But I liked you. A lot. I spent a year and a half wishing I could say something to you. Sometimes, I’d imagine this whole scenario where you’d notice me. Maybe you’d step in when Javier and his group were being dicks.” I drew in a shaky breath as I remembered that asshole from school. The way he’d push me into lockers andthrow slurs at me and my friends. I tried not to think about him, because he was basically the monster under my bed back then, and who liked to think about the people who made their lives hell?

But then, who fucked the guy who made their life hell?

Oh right. Me.

“Then, out of nowhere, you started talking to me. I thought I hit the lottery. You were nice, and you made me laugh, and I knew you were straight.” I paused. “Or well, Ithoughtyou were straight. Then a few months later, you found me in the locker room and you kissed me. I thought—” I drew in a deep breath. God, I didn’t want to go over the rest of it. It was so stupid. But Silas was looking at me with those gray eyes of his, encouraging me to push forward. I drew in a shaky breath and clenched my fists. I could do this.

“I thought that maybe, there was going to be something between us. Then the next day, you were back with Mariah.” That would have been bad enough. “And you ignored me, completely. And somehow Javier and his friends found out…” My chest started to tighten as memories flooded my brain. “He—God I don’t know how he found out, but he made my life hell. And the whole time, you looked through me like I wasnothing. Like we hadn’t started to become friends and you hadn’t kissed me and then I figured it out.”

“Figured what out?” he questioned.

“You told him. You set me up.”

Silas’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck? No, I never—I never told anyone about kissing you. I was confused by that kiss, and I knew I’d really fucked over Mariah, so I buried it. But I never told anyone.”

I sat in that realization, dumbstruck and silent. If he hadn’t told Javier, then my reasons for hating him seemed really fucking petty. Silas reached over and took my balled up fist in hishand, massaging it the same way Seb did. My hand relaxed and he laced his fingers through mine.

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