Page 48 of His First Baby Rodeo

And maybe he didn’t know either, because he shook his head. “All I know is that you’ve been in a serious funk lately,” he said. “I don’t think you were this down after your breakup with Dean.”

He was right. She hadn’t been. That was a sobering thought. Losing Mac had made her feel worse than losing a serious, long-term relationship.

And it shouldn’t make me feel bad at all, she thought, frustrated.It was just a fling. I wasn’t taking it seriously, and I always knew that it was going to end!

“El,” Jeff said, “I’m serious. It’s tough-love time. I’m not going to let you lie around on the couch anymore. You know I like having you here, and what with this being Mom and Dad’s old place, I’m fine with you living with us for as long as you’d like to.”

“I know,” El said. “And you know I appreciate it, Jeff.” She hated feeling so dependent on her brother — on anyone — but the idea of trying to find her own place was too overwhelming right now. She woke up every morning missing the excitement and promise of a day spent with Mac. Everything seemed drab and boring to her now.

This depression was probably the reason for her health issues, too. For the past week and a half, El had been nauseous and had no appetite. She’d found herself sleeping twelve hours a day, and even when she was awake, she felt tired. It was hard to believe that not long ago she’d been working on a ranch all day every day and had had plenty of energy left over when her days had come to an end to spend on a romantic affair. But she suspected that if Mac had shown up at her door and told her that he wanted her to come back, her strength would have returned in a hurry.

It was hard to imagine anything more troubling than that fact.

“You need to dosomething,” Jeff said. “I don’t care what it is, but you need to do something other than just lying around watching TV all day. This isn’t healthy. If you really are feeling sick, we’ll arrange for you to see a doctor.”

“No.” El sat up. She didn’t want to sit in front of a doctor and be told that she was perfectly healthy, that her ailments were just due to the fact that she’d been dumped and she couldn’t get over it. “You’re right. I should do something. Get a job or something.”

“It doesn’t have to be that,” Jeff said. “I know you’re not sure if this is your permanent home or not. It’s okay that you don’t want to put down roots. But something to get you out of the house. Marilyn goes to a book club. You could join that.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” El said. “I wouldn’t want to disturb Marilyn.”

“She wouldn’t mind at all. She’s been begging me to go with her, but I don’t want to. You might enjoy it, though. And it would give you a good way to meet some people and build a social life.”

“Well, all right,” El said. Jeff was right about her needing to get out of the house, and even though book club didn’t appeal to her that much, it would be good to do something with Marilyn. She had never had as close a relationship with her sister-in-law as she would have liked.

“Marilyn will be so happy,” Jeff said, grinning. “She’s in the kitchen making sandwiches for everyone right now. Why don’t you go let her know?”

“All right.” El got up off the couch, aware as she did so that she’d been in the same pair of sweatpants for three days now. She really did need to get out of the house. This was starting to be embarrassing. She should never have allowed herself to become so dependent — it was entirely her own fault that she’d turned into this shell of her former self.

At the same time, though… even Dean hadn’t been able to reduce her to such a mess. Didn’t that mean something? Shouldn’t she be taking seriously the fact that her feelings for Mac ran as deep as they did?

She didn’t know. She only knew that she couldn’t figure out how to make them stop, no matter how badly she might wish she could. Time would cure this, she was sure, but in the meantime, there might be no avoiding being a bit of a mess about it.

“Hey,” Marilyn said as El joined her in the kitchen. “Did Jeff tell you about the book club next week?”

“He did,” El said. “I think I’ll come along, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all! I’ve always wanted to have someone to do things like that with. You know how Jeff is — if it doesn’t involve watching sports or drinking beer, he’s not up for any kind of social activity.” Marilyn laughed. “I love him, but he sure can be difficult.”

El smiled. Marilyn’s positivity was infectious. She should have tried spending time with her sister-in-law sooner. It was a guaranteed mood booster.

“Jeff’s never really been one for trying new things,” she agreed. “He figured out what he liked pretty early in life and just never wavered from it. But I guess when you know what makes you happy, it makes sense to stick with it.”

“Yeah, I think so,” Marilyn said, smiling. “Anyway, there are fewer surprises that way. Fewer disappointments.”

El thought about that. If she’d had the sense to stay away from Mac, she certainly would have spared herself a lot of disappointment. But on the other hand, the joy that had come out of that situation — ithadbeen joy — had been such a surprise to her.

I’m glad it happened, she realized with a shock.Even though it hurts in the aftermath… it was wonderful while it lasted. And if I had never taken a risk, I would never have had that experience.

She knew that if Jeff ever found out what she had done, he would have plenty to say, starting with the fact that he had warned her against it. But he would be wrong. She was happy with her decisions. She was glad to have spent the time she had with Mac, even if that time was over now.

She sat down at the kitchen table, where Marilyn put a sandwich in front of her. “You need to eat something,” she said. “You’re like me when I was pregnant with Phoebe lately.”

El blinked. “What?”

“Well, I had no appetite at all,” Marilyn said. “It was strange, because with Brody and Jace, I was hungry constantly. But with Phoebe, I was just run-down all the time. I was too tired and nauseous to eat. We thought there might be something wrong with me at first, but the doctor ran a pregnancy test, and… well, the rest is history.” She grinned. “Anyway, you’re acting like I did during those weeks. You drift around the place like a ghost, and I can’t remember the last time I saw you eat a meal. You didn’t even touch dinner last night, and Jeff had made his famous lasagna.”

El didn’t answer. She couldn’t. She was too shell-shocked by what Marilyn had said.

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