Page 121 of Prelude To You

It was a moment of zero foresight that sent us both hurtling down this excruciating path. Even if I would be forever in awe of the intense feelings she’d created inside of me. For some strange reason they made me feel normal, as if I could experience happiness like everyone else.

But I wasn’t like everyone else, and happiness was not among my expectations. I would always wonder how things might have been if nothing stood in our way.

I decided to take the sleeping pills now, instead of waiting until after dinner. An insane workday awaited me tomorrow, and the sooner I got a good night’s sleep, the sooner I could get on with my life. And the sooner I was unconscious, the less chance there was of my asking Kayla for Isabel’s phone number.

The one time in my life a sentimental side emerged, all I wanted to do was beat it into submission. Back into hiding where it belonged. Because it did no one any good, least of all Isabel.

32

ISABEL

Meg was looking at me with equal amounts of sympathy and concern. “You realize if they want to switch off the machines, there’s literally nothing you can do to stop them, right?”

I was making madeleines for the staff. They were shell-shaped cookies, with one end dipped in a custom Belgian-chocolate-and-cashew glaze. Lack of sleep had everything to do with making something relatively easy that didn’t require a whole lot of skill.

“It sounds like you’re picking their side, Meg.”

“No, I’m not. But there’s been enough disappointment going around this week, don’t you think?”

“I would hardly call any of it disappointing,” I said. “Roman was a preventable travesty and Henry is a preventable tragedy.”

Meg sighed. She knew me better than anyone else. This was the part of my grieving process where I completely focused on something other than the real problem, because I didn’t want to deal with it.

Henry getting all my attention while I skirted my heartbreak over Roman was Classic Me. Instead of crying my heart out andpunching my pillow to get over Roman, I chose to rescue an old man from the claws of death.

“I just don’t want you to lose sight of the reality regarding Henry,” Meg said with a supportive smile.

“Weren’t you and Felix going out to that thing tonight?” I asked, if only to get off the subject.

“I’m thinking maybe not,” she said carefully. “You and I haven’t had a movie night in the longest time.”

“Meg, just go with Felix. Please don’t stay home because of me.”

“But I’m not so sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. I have the madeleines to make and some research to do on comatose people. It’ll be fun all around. I might even go to the studio and dance for a bit.”

“Listen, I know you. And I don’t think you’re dealing with the Roman thing the way you should be dealing with it.”

“What do you want me to do, Meg? Cry and scream and bang my head on the wall? The man I want Roman to be is not the man he really is. He’s just a guy with an agenda. A very good-looking, charming guy who, for those few hours in the penthouse, made me believe he was the missing part of my life. But nothing is really going to help me get over it because despite the fact that he’s a dipshit I still want to see him and be with him. So basically it’s not him that’s the problem here, it’s me.”

The dough I was mixing for the madeleines became blurry and there was this sudden searing pain in my chest. “See, now you have me crying. And it’s not very good kitchen sanitation to be crying all over the food. And I called him a dipshit…”

Meg pulled me away from the mixing bowl and hugged me. “Listen to me,” she said, her voice soft. “I know it seems impossible from here, but you’ll get over it. Believe me, you will get over it. You don’t deserve this, and I’m really, really sorry I pushed you to go. That’s basically on me.”

I shook my head and returned to the dough, mixing it more ferociously than was really necessary. “Stop with that, Meg. I had a thousand chances to leave, and I didn’t. None of this is your fault.”

“Well I did throw that bullshit about destiny in your face.”

“And if you remember, I explicitly said I didn’t believe in fate or destiny.”

“Okay,” Meg said. “But I still do. I don’t know where this destiny thing went all wrong, I really don’t.”

“Go out with Felix, Meg. I’ll be fine. Really.”

“Promise you’ll text if you start feeling sad?”

I nodded. “Sure. I will. And I’m making some extra madeleines in case you and Felix want a late-night snack.”

---