Page 140 of Enchanted Ventures

We hang up and I look around at the empty small house I’ve called home for two months. I’ve been in the Outer Banks, the beaches on the North Carolina shoreline. It’s quiet and peaceful here in the offseason. It’s just what I needed to clear my head. After the whirlwind of the past year of my life, I needed the serenity.

I get into my car, which is packed to the brim with canvases. I learned that the emotions of heartbreak and the hormones of a pregnancy are fantastic for creativity. This was the most artistically productive nine weeks of my life.

I look down at my stomach, which has already popped a bit, way earlier than it did with Jade. I rub it. “On to our next adventure, Baby L.” I started calling it Baby L for love. Because whatever mixed emotions I have now, I know this baby, unlike Jade, was conceived in love, and that means something to me.

I call into the Zoom meeting with Dr. Pearl we had scheduled for this morning.

She appears on the screen. “Oh, Amanda, are you driving right now?”

“Yes, so excuse my lack of eye contact. I needed to hit the road.”

“No problem. Are you ready to go home?”

“I think so. I knew this date was coming. I have my first ultrasound tomorrow. And I miss Jade. Leaving her with a newborn isn’t the most motherly thing I’ve ever done.”

“You needed this time. Jade understands. Collin is very hands-on. She’s fine.”

“I know. She hasn’t complained. She just misses me, and I miss her. I’ve never gone this long without seeing her.”

“I know you video-called her and Tyson every day. I’m proud of you for taking this time for yourself. You needed it.”

“I did.”

“Are you ready to see Beckett?”

“I’m not sure. I loved Beckett. I still love Beckett. In his own fucked-up way, I believe he loves me too. He just doesn’t trust me or anyone, and that’s not acceptable.”

“Good. It took us a while to get here, but I think you’re right. Just know he’s dealing with things too. While he may have grown up with privilege, he battles demons just like you do.”

“I know. I keep telling myself that it’s the reason for his actions, not because he doesn’t love me. I needed to take a breath to decide what I want. I do want him, but I deserve to be treated a certain way. I don’t know if he’s up for it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with taking things slowly to make sure your emotional needs are being met.”

“I’m not sure what he wants. Honestly, I expected him to break down the door to my rental house every single day, but he didn’t. Jade said he misses me, and Glinda mentioned his regret, but I haven’t heard from him directly.”

I called Glinda once a few weeks ago. I missed her. She’sbecome like a mother to me. She told me that Beckett is dying to talk to me. That he realized his mistake. I just can’t continue to play this game with him. He’s an insecure, spoiled little boy in the body of a grown man. But I can’t deny that he’s a wonderful father. I hope my child will have him in its life, but if it’s not what he wants, I’ll manage.

“As you know, every road is paved with bumps and storms. You’ll have to decide if you want to keep traveling on this particular road, despite them.”

“Dr. Pearl, why do I always choose broken men? Why do I always think I can fix them? It’s not like I’ve ever been successful at it.”

“In my opinion, you have a bit of regret and shame over leaving your father just as he was slipping into alcoholism. You were fourteen. It wasn’t your job to care for him, but you’re a caregiver by nature. I think we both know you’ve done more than your fair share of caring for others.”

Perhaps she’s right. “If I stayed with him, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so bad.”

“It would have gotten worse for you. We both know that. You did the right thing. That’s why I’m proud of you for taking these two months. You didn’t allow yourself to get pulled down. You’re a survivor.”

“I suppose.”

“Are you still planning to make a stop?”

“Yes.”

“Are you ready for this next big step?”

“Not really, but I agree it needs to be done. I’m almost there.”

“Wonderful. I look forward to hearing what happens. Take care of you.”

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