Page 10 of Stalked By the Farmer

Shame washes over me, sour and thick. I invaded her privacy in the worst way possible.

What's wrong with me? This isn't love. It's obsession, and it's going to destroy us both.

* * *

Back at home, I scrub a hand over my face, disgust churning in my gut. When did things spiral so far out of control? Misty was my best friend, the one person I could always count on, and now I've ruined everything.

There's no undoing this. No apology could ever be enough.

The worst part is, even knowing how wrong this is, I can't stop thinking about her. About the curve of her breast and the softness of her skin. The sounds she might make if I touched her.

Jesus, I'm pathetic.

I need to stay away from her, as far away as possible, before I do something I regret even more.

Except...the thought of cutting Misty out of my life is unbearable. I can't lose her, no matter the cost. There has to be some way to beat this sickness, to go back to the way things were before everything got so twisted and dark.

Or maybe this desire will consume me whole, burning away everything good and decent until there's nothing left but ashes.

I don't know anymore. All I know is Misty, in all her beauty and light. And the love I can never have. The love that's destroying me.

I pound my fist against the wall, pain bursting across my knuckles. Anything to distract from the chaos in my head.

When did this happen? When did my love for Misty twist into something unrecognizable?

We were supposed to be best friends forever. Partners in crime, sharing secrets and dreams. Now those memories are tainted, every touch and laugh and lingering gaze reimagined through the lens of my obsession.

I'm losing myself. Losing Misty. Losing everything that matters.

Enough. I straighten, staring at my swollen hand. This has to end. Tonight, I'll call Misty and tell her...what? That I'm obsessed with her? That I'm jacking off to her outside her window?

Misty deserves so much better than this. Than me.

I sit on the edge of my bed, head in my hands. How did I get here? When did my love for Misty twist into this sick obsession, fueled by desire and control and possessiveness?

She's not an object for me to covet or control. She's a human being, vibrant and complex and free, and I have no right to impose my will on her or invade her privacy.

Yet knowing this does nothing to quell the raging fire inside me, the all-consuming need to have her, in every way. To mark her, claim her, keep her forever by my side.

No. I slam my fist into the wall, relishing the burst of pain. Those thoughts are unacceptable. Misty is not mine to claim or control. If I can't respect her autonomy, then I have no right to be in her life at all.

But losing Misty...the mere thought brings me to my knees, a wounded animal sound tearing from my throat. I can't lose her. I won't survive it. She is my light, my heart, my everything.

The fierce collision of love and desire, tenderness and darkness, intimacy and objectification ravages my mind. I don't know how to reconcile these warring parts within me, how to love Misty selflessly and also crave to possess her so completely.

I run a hand over my face again, the rasp of stubble reminding me I haven't shaved in days. When did I last eat, or sleep? Time has lost all meaning. There is only Misty, and the maelstrom she evokes within me.

My phone buzzes again on the table. No doubt Travis, or my brother, worried why I haven't shown my face in over a week. They'd never understand. No one could comprehend the depraved madness that is my love for Misty.

I glance out the window into the inky night, wondering if Misty gazes at the same moon and stars. Does she think of me, as I do of her with every breath? Does she ache the way I ache, crave and covet in equal measure?

Or have I already lost her, my weakness and darkness driving her away for good?

The thought lances through me, as sharp and swift as any blade. I stumble to my knees again, nausea churning my gut.

This is what I deserve for violating Misty's privacy, subjecting her to the sickness festering inside me. I don't deserve her light or her love. I am not worthy.

Yet losing Misty will destroy me as surely as the sun banishes night. She is my world, my everything, and I cannot live without her.

---