Page 52 of The One…That I Crave

“Go…I mean it…go, just say it. There’s got to be a reason you said that…”

Dwayne’s head fell back against the couch, his hand scrubbing down his face. “My dad chose to go,” he blurted out, not looking at Jake, both of them sitting in the disquiet, the words hanging in the air. All the playfulness that usually connected their conversations evaporated with his statement.

Jake immediately registered the somberness in Dwayne’s tone, threading his choice of words. Even if Jake’s head was swimming with alcohol and his own mixed-up feelings about Rakell, the words thrown out there made him shutter. “Dwayne, what are you talking about…I thought your dad had lymphoma?” Jake couldn’t conceal his utter confusion. He’d heard Dwayne’s brother and mom talk about how sick Gerad, Dwayne’s dad, had been. How he’d lost so much weight before he died that he wasn’t recognizable, and how Eva, not even ten, had fallen asleep in the bed next to him moments before he took his last breath. That had happened a year or so before Jake and Dwayne had met in Miami. But this wouldn’t be the first time a family told a story to cover the truth…God, had Dwayne’s dad committed suicide?

Dwayne set down his glass, holding his head with both hands. “I don’t want to go into all this, Jake...” he said on a sigh.

“Yeah, but you are…” Jake said. Most of the time, their conversations were silly and nonsensical, but it occurred to Jake—after his mom pointed it out—that their bond rested in the three percent of exchanges that dug deep. Was that true with all the bonds that carry us in life? They provided a space to be goofy and fun, but in those rare moments when you went deep, they followed you, while the next moment, it was as if you were right back to the laughter.

Dwayne sat up. “Okay, I talk, then you quit the bullshit and stop holding that girl’s past against her, if that’s what you’re doing… ‘cause you don’t have a right to that, no one does.”

“I’ll process and consider that advice…” Jake drawled out, his tongue feeling thick in his mouth. Knowing he couldn’t tell Dwayne the whole truth, he wondered if Dwayne’s reaction would be different if he knew. “So…this is as good a time as any for a cry session, so tell me what happened.”

“My dad did die of lymphoma. It’s not like he took a gun to his head, but he might as well have.”

“Huh…” Jake let the smooth tequila refresh his mouth, swirling Dwayne’s statement around. “What did he do?”

“It’s what he didn’t do. Once he got sick, he had a hard time driving a rig, so eventually, I guess he lost his job. My parents hid that for a long time. I only figured it out a few months before he died. I wanted to leave college, come home, get a job, and help them, ‘cause I knew there was no way my momma could make the house payment and all the other bills working as a substitute teacher in Missouri. She quit teaching full-time after Eva was born because daycare cost almost as much as she was bringing home, and my dad was starting to do better. Even took out a loan to get his own truck so he could keep more of his money. I remember when he started doing better because Eva was just a toddler and I was in junior high…and he really put time into encouraging me to play ball. I told you I wasn’t evera star student, not like Damien and Eva…but damn…” Dwayne spread the fingers of his right hand in front of his glassy eyes. “I got something here, and my dad knew it, thinking it was God’s way of saying sorry about that brain…” He let out a half snort.

Jake shook his head. “Bullshit, you're smart…but your hands may be smarter…” He laughed. “So your dad was there…I don’t get the bitterness…” Jake muttered the last part. “Just wondering because Damien and Eva only speak well of him.”

“They don’t know what he did…he made a decision to exit. He fuckingknew…I found out after he died when I was going through papers. I remember when he died, he said, ‘Dee…I had to do this so you could keep playing ball and Dae could go to that fancy school, so boy, you win a Super Bowl for me and your momma. Then make sure Eva goes to college…don’t let her stick around. I don’t want her to marry some damned fool from the neighborhood. It’s on you…”He said that, holding my hand…the picture of his hand intertwining with his dad’s bony fingers flickering in the front of his mind.

“That’s a weight, a big weight…” Jake said trailing off.

Dwayne sucked in the mucus in his throat. “Let me just get through this…he lost his job, but the clincher is he lost his health insurance, and I think Momma tried to buy private insurance, but they couldn’t afford it, so he made the decision to quit chemo treatments even though his body was responding to them. From what I can tell from the paperwork and then a little probing with a nurse at the doctor’s office, he knew he’d lose the house if he continued chemo.”

“Jesus, Dwayne.”

“Yeah, but get this…he took a loan out against the house so he could keep paying life insurance…so when he died, my mom paid off the house and kept paying for our school stuff.”

Jake covered his own mouth, pushing back the sob that wanted to burst from his throat. “Dwayne, he did that for his family. That’s…”

Dwayne jumped to his feet. “That’s fucking selfish…we didn’t care about the house, fuck school. I could have come home. He chose…”

Jake stood, both of them staring at each other across the living room. “Dwayne, your dad died on the sword. Literally, he died to save his family…he knew there was no way out. What the hell was he supposed to do? Drain everything he had worked for to live…who knows how long, every dream gone, his son quits football, his other son can’t go to college and…?”

“No, no…he quit us!!”

“No, Dwayne, please, please, the game was rigged. He didn’t have a chance…” Jake sniffed, but the tears burst from his eyes. “He’s a fucking hero, don’t you see that…he knew with your talent you could change the trajectory of the family and that Damien would have a chance to go to a great school and Eva, too…but….”

Dwayne shook his head. “No…noooo…he left us.”

Jake looked at his friend, staring at the water dripping from his chin. He moved the few feet to him, grabbing his neck, yanking him in, letting Dwayne sob into his chest. “He’s a hero, and you, you…Dee, you’re a man of your word. You honored his sacrifice…Dee…”

“Why the hell you calling me Dee?” Dwayne asked in between gulps, his head against Jake’s chest.

Jake put his hand on his friend's back, both of their heads swirling with alcohol. This would be another night that was indelibly imprinted into their memories. “Because I want you to hear what he’d say to you right now if he were here.” Jake’s cloudy brain circled back to Dwayne’s dad and the decisions he had made to ensure his family had a future. It gutted Jaketo know how that had gnawed at Dwayne. “Dee, I’m proud of you. Thank you, Dee, for honoring my death with your life…” Jake sucked in his own tears, squeezing Dwayne a little harder. “That’s what he’d say, Dee,” Jake whispered, his shirt soaked with his friend's anguish.

Chapter Twenty

He woke up to the sound of Dwayne’s laughter, standing above him as Jake splayed out on Dwayne’s new oversized couch, Jake’s pants crumpled beside it.

“Fuck, that Pantalone shit works; the Mayor of Austin is on to something…somehow you managed to lose your pants last night. I know that was after I went to bed, so I better not find any of your offspring on my new leatherItalian-madecouch.”

Jake grabbed his head, rolling away from Dwayne. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, my head fucking hurts. I wanna cry it’s so bad.”

“I got you covered. Take these and drink this,” he said, four small white pills laid on his large palm extending toward Jake, the other hand gripping a Fanta. “I ordered us some egg tacos from Joe’s delivery…should be here any minute…. I was going to pick them up, but I'm pretty sure my blood alcohol level is still hitting the no-drive zone. And no way can you drive yet.”

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