Page 13 of A Clash of Stars

A slight smirk spread in the top corner of his mouth as I took a breath to gain the strength to respond. He closed the space between us.

His face was as close as earlier when we danced, except his eyes were back to the same golden color we started the day with. He could sense my nervousness and anticipation of what he would do or say as he tilted his head while studying me.

“Clara, I need to be honest with you,” he said almost remorsefully. “I know we haven’t had the talk we needed to have. We’ve been avoiding it.”

I put my hand up before him to stop whatever he was about to say.

“We? I haven’t avoided you; you do that quite well all alone, Madok. It’s been what? Three years. Not once have I avoided you. Not once have I looked at you in disgust. Never, when I have not forgotten the last night we had together and then knowing I was completely abandoned.”

He closed his eyes, and I could sense the unrest inside him.

“There are certain things that have happened since my coronation and that night that I’m not at liberty to share with you, but I can tell you parts of what I have learned as a…friend.”

Wow, he considered us friends. What a revelation.

“I regret abandoning you. More than you’ll ever know. I don’t enjoy hurting you, Clara. I know you overheard the conversation with Instructor Edward earlier today, and I feel as though I should explain.”

He huffed out a breath and took another step toward me, sending waves of uncertainty through me. I was pissed. No, I was more than pissed. If I didn’t grasp my self-control right now, I would blast the roots of the ground into this gods’ forsaken kitchen, tie him up, and leave him for the rats.

“You know me better than anyone. Everything I do and have done is for your protection. You are a slight distraction to me, but that isn’t why I asked you to be removed from the classes.”

He took a breath, and when he breathed out, I could feel the warmth on my face as he spoke. “There are certain pieces of our future that I know and that I want to be able to change, but I can’t changefate.” He paused, searching my face as if I held the answers. “If I’m around you, I don’t know if I could follow the natural laws bound to me. I might say something I’m not supposed to say about your future, and I can’t do that, especially because I care about you.”

I felt the words ‘care about’ slice through me like a knife. He continued his dagger-to-the-heart speech as I felt completely exposed to him.

“I know what will happen during the Variance, and I also know that you have an…”

“What? I have what, Madok?”

His eyes bore into mine with a look of regret that he said anything.

“There are just others here who you can’t be around right now. I am only trying to protect you from them.”

My chest rose and fell swiftly as I tried to calm my nerves. I tilted my head; my brows furrowed as I questioned him, “Then, why say that I am a distraction when it’s because you know my future and you’re too cowardly to tell me the truth? Is there someone in Sefida, in our classes, I am supposed to be with? Are you not telling me because that person isn’tyou?”

My voice started to come to life as my blood started to pump faster in my body, “How is any of this fair to me? Hm? I have done absolutelynothingwrong, yet I am the one who is being punished. Not only did you kick me out of your life, but you also even found a way for me to be kicked out of the training Ineedto be in so that I am prepared for the Variance!”

I practically yelled all of that at Madok. I was so angry andcouldn’t hold it in.

He quickly responded with another step toward me, and my walls shot up. I was guarded around him and for a damn good reason. I wouldn’t allow him to waltz into my life and tell me all the right things to have me in his world. I refused.

His eyes were softened as he spoke, “Just being around you kills me. Knowing what I know, some parts of me don’t want to allow your future to unfold the way it will. Yet, I have to allow it. I have pushed you away from me and the other royals. That is why I ‘kicked’ you out of my life Clara. Not because I wanted to but because Ineededto.”

I laughed and rolled my eyes to the ceiling.

“I can never trust you again. You do realize that. I trusted you with my life and future, and youobliteratedit. I don’t give a shit how you feel about me and your petty excuses. I won’t accept them. I amnotthe same Clara you used to know; you can’t swoop in and say pretty things to me andthinkI would fall back into your arms again.”

I breathed, “What a sad excuse for a man to make me feel bad for you? You are astronomically delusional if you think I feel bad for you because I fucking don’t.”

Without being able to stop him, he invaded my space, and I realized that his face was a breath away from mine. I could smell the minty scent on his breath as he quietly whispered.

“I know I broke your heart Clara, but I broke mine too. You might not understand it now, but you will someday soon, and I hope you can forgive me for it. You have a greater destiny than all of us. I am not worthy of being in your presence, but I want to be. I want to be back in your life, Clara, if you’ll have me. I have stayed away so long to try and respect the future that you will have, and…and I can’t do it any longer.”

His lips are so close I can almost feel the softness of his lips touch mine, but just barely. The door to the kitchen slams open, and I am punched with the scent of teakwood.

“Wow. Look at little Madok having a sweet moment with our Clara Bear.”

He took a step into the room, and the feelings shifted. I felt the cowering of Madok in Evander’s presence.

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