Page 132 of The Moral Dilemma

“Pretty girl.” He smiles, caressing me softly. “I forgive you,” he repeats.

“I don’t deserve it.” I shake my head, more tears running down my cheeks as I feel myself closer to my breaking point. If before I would have done anything to hear those words, now I’m weighed down by them—and by the heavy chains of my guilt.

God, I’d shoved it so deep within my heart in order to pretend I was okay, and now it’s coming to the surface like a raging tsunami.

“I don’t deserve it, Raf. I don’t deserve anything.” I cry harder. “It’s my fault. Everything is my fault. And Mali… Our baby. Oh, Raf.” I break down, clinging to him as I weep, the pain so strong, I feel it in every pore of my body.

“I loved him so much. I used to imagine he’d look like you, that he’d have your blue eyes, so that even if you weren’t with me, I could stare into the eyes I loved the most every day. My God,” I yelp in pain. “I used to talk to him every day while he was in my belly. And I couldn’t even hold him while he was alive. I couldn’t even…”

“Let it all out,” he encourages me softly, caressing my back in languid motions. And I do. Oh, but I do. I cry all the tears I never cried, and I feel all the pain I never let myself feel.

“He’s dead, Raf. I was a mother, but I was nevera mother.”

He doesn’t speak, merely holding me tight as he urges me to spill my grief onto him.

“I loved him so much,” I repeat like a broken record.

“We’ll get through this together.” He wipes my tears away. “We’ll cope together, pretty girl. Please don’t hide from me again. Every time you need to cry, cry, and I’ll cry with you. Every time you need to mourn, mourn, and I’ll mourn with you. And every time you think yourself undeserving, let me prove to you that you are. I love you, Noelle. I’ve loved you for years on end, every time a little more, and every day from now on, even more.”

I start hiccuping as I cling onto him, taking in his assurances and letting them slowly penetrate the wall of pain that’s crusted around my heart.

“I don’t deserve you, Raf,” I tell him after I’ve calmed down a little. “No, don’t bother denying it. It’s true. Maybe you don’t think so, but I know it.” I place my finger to his lips to stop him from refuting it. “But one day Iwilldeserve you. And I promise you that I will work every day to get back your trust and show you that you’re my everything.”

He grabs my hand, keeping it still as he kisses each finger. His eyes are on me, so blue and so beautiful, and for the first time in my life, I’m truly home.

A languid smile spreads across my lips as I huddle closer to him and drift off to sleep.

thirty-one

Noelle

I creepmy eyes open as the sun rises in the sky. Raf is still fast asleep, his arms tightly wrapped around me. Smiling like a fool, I allow a moment to take him in.

Hovering my fingers over his face, I trace his features, marveling once more at his beauty and the fact that he is all mine.

“I love you,” I whisper as I lean to lay a kiss on his cheek. He mumbles something in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake up.

Not wanting to bother him, I slip out of his arms and head to the river to clean myself. After all, we still have to resume our physical relationship, and I want to make sure I’ll be clean when that happens.

Nearly bursting with happiness, I skip around like a kid as I walk to the river. Once I get there, I take off my clothes, but leave on the bandages on my arm and wrist. When I’m fully naked, I slowly dip my toes into the water, getting used to its temperature before submerging myself whole.

The river isn’t very deep, nor is the current very fast. As I walk to the middle of the stream, the water reaches my waist. To ensure my entire body is properly cleaned, I dunk my head under, massaging my scalp and relaxing for the first time in forever.

“NOELLE!” Raf’s thunderous voice startles me as I jump out, just in time to see him sporting a crazed expression as he runs toward me.

My eyes widen, and my heart plummets in my chest. For a moment, I’m scared that he’s angry again at me, and I freeze in place as hopelessness overtakes me.

“Noelle!” he calls my name again, stopping just as he reaches the shore.

He’s breathing hard, his chest moving up and down as he bends, resting his hands on his knees.

“You scared me,” he rasps. “I woke up and you weren’t there. You scared me.”

“Raf?” I blink, forgetting all about my nakedness as I take a step toward him.

“You’re fine,” he sighs. “God, you scared me,” he repeats.

“Why?” I dare whisper.

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