Page 130 of The Moral Dilemma

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself,” he mentions.

I frown, looking at him questioningly.

“It wasn’t your fault.” He gives me a smile. “Did you do a lot of fucked up shit? Yes. But you didn’t kill our son. You tried your best to save him. How could I ever hate you for that?”

“How could you not hate me for sleeping with you while knowing you wouldn’t remember?” I whisper before I can help myself. My eyes widen, and I avert my gaze, shame filling me to the brim.

Lucero’s words come back to haunt me, and despite the fact that I’d disregarded all those warnings in the beginning, I can’t deny that this is something that’s been eating at me all along.

“Do you want me to hate you for it?” he asks quietly.

“What?” I blink.

“I’ve seen the recordings, Noelle. Granted, I didn’t seeallof them, but from the few of them I watched, it was enough to get a different perspective than before.”

“What do you mean?” My lashes flutter in confusion. “What different perspective could you have gotten, Raf, when the truth is that Irapedyou,” I say, my voice breaking on the last words. Tears stab at my eyes, but I do my best to avoid crying.

The last thing I want is for Raf to think I’m using tears as a way to manipulate him. And maybe one side of me wants to do that—play the victim until he has no choice but to side with me—but I find that the other side of mehatesthe thought of that.

That side wants him to accept me as I am—with my qualitiesandmy flaws. If he doesn’t love me for who I am, then what is the point? Wasn’t that why I fell for him in the first place? Because he was the only one I could be my real self with.

“Fine, let’s say that the consent in that situation wasdubious.” He rolls his eyes. “But you didn’t rape me. If anything,Iwas too rough with you.” He swallows hard. “So what if I don’t remember everything? It’s clear I was very much lucid at the time, and quite enthusiastic about it,” he says, a blush climbing up his cheeks.

I gawk at him, unable to believe his words.

“But, Raf…”

“It was a tricky situation,” he interrupts me. “We were both doing things that would be considered more than questionable. You took advantage of my lack of memory, and I took advantage of your body—and don’t even try to deny it when Isaw.” He gives me an intense look.

I tentatively nod, realizing he really means it.

“Where does that leave us?” I make the courage to ask.

“I don’t know,” he sighs. “I can understand you did what you had to do at the hacienda. I can even understand that you’re some type of killer,” he laughs, shaking his head. “But that’s not what I have a hard time forgiving, Noelle. It’s the fact that you remembered and didn’t tell me—that you had my child and didn’t think I deserved to know about it.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“And that’s the thing. I don’t know what you’re sorry about. Are you sorry about what you did, or are you sorry you got caught?”

I stay silent.

“Because of that I don’t know if I can trust you.”

My mouth opens on an objection, but he puts his hand up, stopping me.

“I don’t mean I can’t trust you to be faithful to me.” He smiles. “If there’s one thing I’m completely sure of, it’s the fact that you’d never look at another man. But beyond that?” He shakes his head ruefully.

“I understand,” I tell him quietly.

He looks at me pensively, the fire accentuating the blue of his eyes in a way that makes my heart clench in my chest with longing.

I give him a fake smile, getting up to put my food away before heading to our makeshift tent to sleep. Although my body isn’t necessarily tired, I am emotionally exhausted. In times like this, I’d like nothing more than to be alone in my room, so that I could cry myself to sleep, but since Raf is nearby, I can’t show him how much his words hurt me.

Huddling down on the little bed we’d made, I bring my knees to my chest as I close my eyes, willing all my troubling thoughts away.

Still, it’s not as easy as I would have liked. Not as I feel Raf slide in next to me. We’re not touching, but I can feel the heat of his body, beckoning and alluring.

I gulp down, burrowing my face in the crook of my elbow, so I can wipe the tears away.

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