Page 146 of Tormented in Silence: The Completed Duet

Rage, Sugar, Carly, Agnes, Nerds, Cayden, Blade, and Josh. I glance back at Jackson, but he merely shakes his head and looks behind me.

I turn around and see Ryker grinning while Grayson looks… sad. Really sad. I walk back towards him and wrap my arms around him. He hesitates at first before sinking into my hold and wrapping his arms around me, hugging me tight.

“Thank you, Grayson,” I murmur.

He doesn’t respond, but he squeezes me tighter. When he releases me, I step over and hug Ryker. He freezes but eventually softens just like Grayson. The hug is short, but he hugs me back, so I’ll accept it.

We all walk towards the others, and I hug each and every one of them, thanking all of them for being here.

We form a circle around the hole in the ground with a covered headstone. A small wooden box sits in the grass next to the hole, open and ready.

Jackson steps up to my side, taking my hand. “Ready?”

I squeeze his hand. “I thought it would just be Jackson, Ryker, Grayson, and I today but instead I came here, barely holding on, feeling like if I let my walls down and really process today that I would crumble, to find all of you. My family, my chosen family. Reminding me without any words that I can make it through this.”

I take a deep breath to hold in the tears and continue.

“We are only missing Stone and Raven, but I know—”

“That I would never in a million years make you go through this without me right on your other side holding your hand, my strong, beautiful, brave friend.” Raven walks up from the right side coming straight up to me.

Her hands grasp my free one and squeeze. I shut my eyes, hoping not to cry, but it does nothing. The tears fall freely, and I give in, letting them.

“I love you,” I say, looking at Raven.

She grins at me, her usual fun-loving grin. “I love you too, babe.”

I look around at everyone and silently thank whatever being there is up there for blessing me because I wouldn’t have survived without these people.

I look up at the worker who is standing behind the headstone. “I’m ready for you to uncover it.” He nods and steps forward. “I didn’t tell anyone her name. I think a part of me thought that if I never said it, this wasn’t real. I had always planned on saying her name for the first time when she was born, so she would be the first person to hear it, but now…”

It takes me a minute to pull it together, to calm the tears. I don’t try for more words. I just give a jerky nod at the worker, and he lifts the cover from the headstone.

It’s a half oval stone with angel wings carved into the top. Then under the angel wings is her name and a quote.

Alexis Raven Johnson

“We hold you in our hearts until we can hold you in heaven.”

“Johnson, my maiden name. Alexis, her name since the day I found out I was pregnant. Raven, my best friend, my savior, the one who saved me when I was drowning alone and showed me I was not as broken or fragile as I may have thought. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be where I am. Standing here with the love of my life and finding my true self. Alexis would have worn your name with pride. I knew from the first time you claimed me as your best friend that you would be a part of my life and as you came to mean more and more to me, I knew I wanted to name her after her favorite aunt.”

Raven wraps me in her arms and cries. “I’m so fucking proud of you. You are so strong.”

“I’m proud of you, too. You are strong and brave. Thank you for coming here,” I sob.

“I’m sorry I left. I needed to get my head on straight, but I am back now. I’m not leaving again. I swear,” she promises.

We both cry and eventually pull apart. Everyone brought something to drop in the box. Some, it was something personal to them, and others it was a tiny baby item. I am last, and I walk up to the box. I sit down in front of it and hold the stick in my hand.

The pregnancy test. I wrote on the back of it, ‘Mommy and Daddy can’t wait to meet you.’ As much as I want to burn this stick because it relates to Ben and I don’t want Alexis to have any part of that, I won’t. I’ll leave it with her, to rest in the past. No matter what, he was going to be her dad. She would’ve had traits of him. I would have raised her alone but with all the good memories of her dad that I have.

It took us three long years to get pregnant. No matter how things ended, Alexis was a miracle. I have to believe that.

I set it in the box and close the lid. “This isn’t goodbye, Alexis, this is see you later. You will forever be with me. I wish you could have met all these amazing people. They would have loved and cherished you. I will be strong now. I will live for you. I will find ways to let go of the guilt and I will never, ever stop talking to you. I love you, Alexis Raven.” I set the box in the hole and stand up.

Giant heaving sobs cause my body to shake and my knees to almost give out. Hands touch me as Jackson stands at my back. Raven and Carly each take a hand at my side, and the rest of them come in close as the worker buries the box.

Is this what closure feels like? Is this what hope feels like? I may be sobbing, but I feel free. I feel as if Alexis is really in my heart. I feel like I can take a step in the direction of not feeling so guilty about moving on.

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