Page 119 of Made to Sin

I needed more of him. Greed was asin.

Letting out a sardonic laugh, I shook my head. Since the start of our relationship, we’d sinned. It was no wonder things would never work between us.

The thought didn’t stop me from cooking dinner and waiting for him to come back.

He didn’t come home.

The dinner grew cold and became leftovers in the fridge.

Still, I waited up on the couch for him, drifting asleep when my brain had enough of its misery.

—

It was a horrible night’s sleep, my eyes were bloodshot and my neck cramped. The state I was in confirmed that Luciano didn’t return last night. No matter how rocky our relationship became, he wouldn’t let me sleep out there.

Nonetheless, with a ball of hope, I ran to the window and tried to see if his car was home.

It wasn’t.

The day arrived and left, but there were no signs of the man I desperately wanted to see.

That night, I waited up for him again. I prepared a new dinner and set up a new table, but, similarly, it was to no avail.

He didn’t come home.

On the third day of waiting, I grew restless and allowed malicious thoughts to take over. If possible, my aching heart crumbled into smaller pieces. I ruined things for us.

The sadness became cynical. Was he with someone else? Sure, there might not be anything between Sofia and him, but there was also nothing keeping him to me either. There were plenty of women who were willing to sleep with him. He could pick one out of thousands and not be afraid they’d ask for something more.

Not be afraid they wanted him to admit to having feelings for them. Not be afraid they expected a relationship with silly notions of love. Not be afraid that they would be like me…

I wasn’t proud of it, but I had a meltdown. My days were stale, only moving from the couch for food and hygiene. I stopped my hobbies; my interest narrowed to crying and waiting for him.

People understood the severance and ache of a broken bone. Nobody warned me about a broken heart.

—

It was the third night of staying alone when I considered ambushing him at the club. I ended up not following through with that. Luciano made it clear he didn’t want to see me anymore.

With what I pulled, I wouldn’t want to come home to a liar either, so I settled for a bath where my tears and the water couldn’t be separated.

For the first time in the three days since we’d fought, I let myself lose hope. I let myself stop wondering about our what-ifs and just freely sob with nothing in mind.

I sobbed for the ache in my chest. I sobbed for the emptinessin my soul. I sobbed for the regret in my mind.

I didn’t get out until I was lethargic and limp in the freezing water. If that bath made one thing evident, it was that I needed to pick myself together. I was going to get a good night’s sleep, get my life together, and resume my plan of moving.

It was too late to change my mind anyway.

TWOFULLDAYSWITHOUTKATARINAwas Hell.

That was the conclusion I’d come to after reflecting on why I should let her go.

When I saw her plans to leave, I lost it. There was no fucking explanation that she could have said to make it better. The truth was jarring on the paper labeled “California” with red hearts surrounding it.

I thought she was happy at my house, aside from her little panic attack, but the joke was on me. She was never happy and had been planning on leaving for months. Months without telling me a word of it.

She played me as a fool, while I was thinking of ways to make her fall in love with me.

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