Page 118 of Made to Sin

“That’s not what I meant,” I exasperated.

“Then, what do you mean? You spent all this time with me knowing you were going to leave, and you didn’t have the decency to mention it once. Not once, Katarina.”

“I didn’t intend for it to end this way.”

He let out an unamused scoff. “End? When were you going to tell me? You booked a flight two weeks from now. Was that when, or were you going to leave a note?”

His words cut straight through my chest and tore my heart into pieces. I hadn’t thought of goodbyes. I was never good at them, and I never wanted to say it to him.

“I don’t— I don’t know. I didn’t think that far yet,” I whispered, upset at myself for the pathetic response.

He clenched his jaw and fisted his hands but remained rooted in his spot. “You still haven’t answered why.”

I thought I despised it when he was cold, but I absolutely loathed it when his voice became softer. I didn’t deserve his kindness, not then and not now.

Using the minuscule control I had left, I forced myself to stop crying and caught my breath. This was not the time for a panic attack. The least I could give him was the truth.

“It’s not you, I swear to you it never was. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t live under theCosa Nostra’swings. For the past fewyears, I only fitted into the mold that was laid out for me. It’s draining, and I never felt right. I never felt at home…” I drifted off as I discovered my will was broken, and Iwaslying to him all along.

I confidently spewed nonsense about not feeling at home, but that was a lie. I didn’t recall when or how it happened, but this place became my home.

Though my heart was in shards, I felt a brush of comfort shoot from the inside out.

Home.

I had found a home, but life was never that easy. The comfort iced over as soon as it came when I remembered I was destroying it.

Luciano shook his head. “It looks like you’ve got everything figured out. Good luck finding a place where you feel like you can be yourself. I’m sorry it wasn’t here.”

He wasn’t swayed by my story and seemed to be putting an end to ours. Fear struck me to walk toward him until we were a few feet apart. This wasn’t the farewell I wanted. I might not have a planned one, but by no means did I want this one.

Shakily, I reached out to him, needing to feel that he hadn’t given up yet. He didn’t give me a chance, stepping away from reach. Both my body and soul faltered.

Back by my side, my nails clawed at my legs, resisting the urge to fall to my knees and beg him for forgiveness. “Wait, we can’t say goodbye like this. I don’t want to say goodbye like this.”

“Some things can’t be planned, Katarina.”

With that as his parting word, he walked out the front door, taking everything I had with him. I wanted to scream and run after him, wanted to tell him he was right. Some things couldn’t be planned. I never planned to fall in love with him, I never planned to fall in love with this place.

My feet refused to move. As if a boulder fell on me, I weighed to the floor and broke into a heap of sobs. For the sake of honesty that came too late, I didn’t even want to leave anymore.

Despite theCosa Nostra’slooming confines, I didn’t feel any of it. California was a measly excuse to save myself. The real reasoning was much more inexplainable. It sounded honorable when I said I was doing it for my happiness. Not so much I said it was because I fell in love.

I knew once the bubble burst, it would hurt. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from playing the game of make-believe.

Was this some cruel punishment for messing with the devil?

I hated him. Wrath was asin.

I desired him. Lust was asin.

I scorned whoever got his attention. Envy was asin.

I pretended to not want him. Pride was asin.

I had a taste of him. Gluttony was asin.

I grew comfortable with him. Sloth was asin.

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