Page 110 of Mafie Queen
She has yet to notice me, a glazed look over her eyes. Her lips look almost blue for a second, so I reach out to stroke her cheek. A hollow gaze stares back at me, and it’s then that I realize she’s caught in her mind.
Bending down in front of her, I stroke her cheek gently, coaxing her back to me. She blinks a few times, then looks down and around, just now realizing where she is.
“Shhittt.” She stumbles over her words, her lips shaking now that her body registers just how cold it is. “S-sorry.”
“Shhh,” I say into her hair as I lift her into my arms and tug her close to me.
Her episodes of zoning out like this while caught in a memory are much fewer these days, but they still happen. My body must have known something was wrong and that she needed me.
It’s pretty common when I sleep on the outside for me not to be able to tell if Evie is there or not just depending on who she is cuddled up to. But my brain must have known something was off.
I carry her inside, careful not to wake the others as I take her into the bathroom. The jacuzzi tub is still full of warm water from earlier, so I help strip her down before undressing myself and getting us settled into the water.
She stops shaking fairly quickly, and her exhausted body leans into mine more and more as she begins to thaw out from the frigid weather.
“What made you want to go outside?” I ask gently.
Her breathing is steady, and she doesn’t lift her head to answer.
“I thought the cold would stop the memories.”
“You could have asked one of us to come with you.” I’m careful not to reprimand her, I just need her to know we would all love to be there for her.
“Sometimes, I need to be able to do things on my own,” she whispers as her arms cling to me tighter.
“That’s fair. I love that you want to work towards getting through these episodes on your own.”
“But?” she sighs, and I let out a soft chuckle.
“But I would have killed someone if you froze to death trying to do it alone.”
“Poor innocent soul,” she mumbles, and we lightly laugh together. Silence stretches between us, and I think she’s fallen asleep until she speaks.
“I need to know I can do it sometimes. But I see where going to sit out in the snow with next to no clothes on was a bad call.”
I kiss her forehead. “Maybe try again next time in the gym or something where you would be warm.”
“Alright, Sunshine.” She squeezes me and I hold her tight.
Another ten minutes or so go by when I finally feel like I could get back into bed. Evie shifts on my lap, sitting up to peer down at me.
“Can I ask you a question that I don’t want you to take personally or feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to?”
I tilt my head but nod anyway.
“Why don’t you ever talk about your mom?”
I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath before letting it go. When I open them again, her stormy gaze cuts deep into me. Not because I feel pressured to talk or because I feel bad about not telling her about my mother. It hurts because I want to talk about her so badly but don’t know how.
“I guess I don’t like to talk about things I failed at.”
“What do you mean?”
“I failed her. I fought her and tried not to be like her for so long, and when I finally realized I was fighting for the wrong parent’s attention, she was taken away from me.”
Evie strokes my hair, tucking it behind my ear as she cups my face.
“If there is one thing I know for certain, it’s that none of us are perfect. You didn’t fail her, Sunshine. I guarantee she loved you so much that your mind couldn’t grasp why your father didn’tshow that same level of affection, and that’s why you fought for his attention.”
