Page 153 of Messy Strokes (Wrecked Roommates)

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I lie with a one-shouldered shrug.

Rounding the corner of the couch, Jake plops down next to me, putting his hand on my knee and squeezing softly. “It’s not fine. How’re you doing?”

“What’d he say to you?” I whisper.

“He told me about Marty.”

“Oh.” The name causes my breath to hitch. My head bobs up and down, and I purse my lips.

“Yeah.”

“Does he…?” I sniff and force myself to look at Jake. “Does he hate me?”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“You sure?” I beg, hating the way my voice cracks and how desperate I sound. But I can’t help it. I haven’t been able to reach Milo at all. To know if he’s all right. If he’ll forgive me.

“Yeah, Mads. I’m sure,” Jake assures me. “He needs some time to wrap his head around everything, okay?”

I nod, my head bobbing up and down again like a crazy person as I try to get a handle on my emotions, but it’s a losing battle. Just like how everything else is a losing battle.

How could I have been so stupid?

So selfish?

So cowardly?

“I was going to tell him. But I didn’t want to botch his night. Not when it was supposed to be perfect. Too bad I ruined it, anyway, and blurted it out in the middle of the whole thing. And Marty showing up?” I cover my face with my hand, wishing I could disappear. “I screwed everything up.”

Jake’s smile is soft as he squeezes my knee again and sets his hand in his own lap. “You didn’t screweverythingup.”

“Trust me. I did.”

“Can I ask you something?”

I dab at the corner of my eye, though it doesn’t stop the tears from gathering. “Sure. What’s up?”

“Why’d you tell him Penny’s his?”

A breathless whimper escapes me, his words hitting like a damn freight train, and I look down at my little Peanut curled against my chest. I haven’t been able to put her down since I walked into the empty house. It’s like she’s my only lifeline—the last piece connecting me to Milo.

But at least I have her, right?

Milo…doesn’t.

And it has to be killing him.

“I-I didn’t mean to at first,” I admit, my voice soft and crackly with emotion. “I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I was simply going to disappear. I didn’t want to hurt him, I swear.”

“I know, Mads.”

“But he showed up at the hospital, ya know?” Again, I wipe under my eyes, catching the moisture continuing to fall. “He assumed she was his, and I…I couldn’t help it,” I cry. “I wanted her to be his too. So bad. I wanted Penny to have someone. Someone who loves her as much as I do. And everything happened so fast. It was like an avalanche. One small push, and the lie gained so much momentum. I didn’t know how to stop it. I didn’t want to stop it. And I know it’s on me. I know I should’ve told him. But I was selfish. I couldn’t do it.” My chest wracks with a sob, and I hang my head. “By the time I wanted to, it was tonight. And he had the gallery. And I had the meeting with Marty. When I saw the piece…I couldn’t do it anymore. The lying. The sneaking around behind his back. I-it…tumbled out. And everything fell apart. I’m so sorry, Jake. I’m so sorry I hurt Milo. I took advantage of him, fell in love with him all over again, and was too selfish to let him go, even though I knew it was the right thing to do.” I curl around Penny protectively, my hair acting like a curtain between us and the rest of the world as my past wreaks havoc on my soul. “I keep thinking about if tonight had gone smoothly. If I hadn’t told him about Marty. If I’d gone to meet Marty instead of attending the exhibit and seeing his work. Would I have told him in the morning? Would I have willingly broken his heart and mine in the process? And honestly, I don’t know. I’m…I’m so sorry.”

“Sh…” He pulls me into a side hug, and I burrow into him.

Tangling my fingers in his soft button-up shirt, I hold on for dear life and let go. Of all of it. My guilt. My shame. My pain. I let it flow through me like a wave, swelling and falling. Crashing into me until I’m positive I’ll never be whole again. But I can’t keep it buried any longer. I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist anymore.

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