Page 25 of Killer (Project)

“Its fine, Diesel, you’re right…” I trailed off.

“Get in the car,” Diesel said gruffly, his back still to me.

“What? I drove here, I can take myself home,” I told him, letting him know I didn’t need his pity ride. He had saved me from Roger, but that didn’t mean he owned me at every single turn.

“Get in the fucking car right now, or I will put you in the fucking car,” he seethed. I took a step back and then rethought my actions.

He will just come and get you, I told myself.

Tucking my tail between my legs, I walked over to the passenger side door not even lifting my gaze to his. He unlocked it with the click of his key fob, and I slid into the seat.

Minutes passed as I watched him try to calm himself down. His face was a mass of emotions starting at anger and ending at confliction. When he got into the car, I could feel a change in him. It was as if he was done trying, done hiding from everything.

He shoved the key into the ignition bringing the engine to life. Diesel was like a broken piece of glass. Beautiful when the light reflected off it, but very capable of causing significant pain. All it would take was something small for him to cut you deep enough to bleed. You would feel the pain for a lifetime, the wound seeping blood with every pump of your heart.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mea—”

“Shut up, Maggie.” He sounded as if he was just about to fall off that crazy train. I shivered in my seat forcing my attention out the window. I could feel the tears wanting to escape my eyes, but I forced them away. I wouldn’t let him see the sadness that threatened to come undone every single day.

Ten minutes of silence had passed before I forced the words out of my mouth.

“You’re an asshole, just so you know.”

“As if I didn’t know that already.” His laugh filled the air.

“No, I honestly mean it. You’re an asshole for expecting me to wait until you were long gone to move on with my life.” The words left my mouth without a thought. He jerked the wheel forcing the car onto a gravel road. Once we were far enough from the road where no one could see us, he pulled over and threw the car into park.

He turned his body toward mine; hurt and betrayal could be found in his eyes. I wanted to reach out and to tell him I was sorry… but was I really?

“I’m an asshole for protecting you? Are you fucking kidding me?” I was confident he wanted to wring my neck. Or at least he looked like he wanted to anyway. Hell, I kind of wanted to wring my own neck for thinking that any of this could work.

“I didn’t say you were an asshole for protecting me, but when does it end? When you’re dead? When I’m forced to do it on my own? In case you forgot, you’re dying. You’re going to leave me here all alone…” I stifled the tears that wanted to pour from my eyes like rain. “When you die…” I took a deep breath, my chest aching, “I will be forced to move on with my life. I will be forced to do this alone, and I don’t want to wait until then.” I could feel the mask slipping from my face. The space inside the car was growing smaller and smaller like a box collapsing in on itself.

“Jesus, Maggie.” Diesel’s voice filled the space, commanding my attention. I turned to him, looking at him through my tears. My heart was breaking, my mind was a mess, and yet there was no one else I would rather have lost my shit in front of than him.

“Do you not think those very thoughts don’t cross my mind every minute of every day? That one day I’ll be dead, and all you will have left of me is a memory?” He slammed his fist down on the dash. “Do you think I like knowing we love one another, but showing that emotion isn’t worth it?” The words were pouring from his mouth, and for the first time in forever, I was startled into shock.

He turned, his eyes bleeding into my own. In them, I saw compassion, love, and fear. “If you think for one second it’s the cancer that is going to kill me, you’re wrong.” I turned in my seat, not wanting to hear it anymore. I knew what he was going to say. I could feel it in my bones—in my soul.

“Look at me, damn it,” he yelled. I couldn’t contain the pain anymore. I opened the car door, leaving the car to get some air. The second I slammed the door behind me, I started walking away from the car. Not even a second later, I heard his door open. Did I really want to hear him say it? Could I even stand to hear the words?

“Run. Do it. Because that’s what I have been trying to do this whole fucking time.” He growled, taking huge steps toward me. His hand reached out gripping my arm and freezing me into place. He was my weakness, the very thing that made me tick. How cruel of a god it was to take the one thing that caused my heart to beat?

“If you think this cancer is killing me, you’re wrong…” Water droplets fell from the sky landing on us and it was as if the heavens were finally crying as if they could feel our pain. His breath was warm against my face as he caressed my cheeks with the palms of his hands.

“It isn’t the cancer that’s killing me. It’s loving you. It’s how I know that no matter how much I try to fight it, it will never go away. Knowing someday I won’t be here anymore for you and knowing I love you with every fucking fiber of who I am and will never be able to move forward with you. I will never get to be a husband, a father…” I pushed him away, my heart breaking with every word he said.

“Stop!!” I screamed. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. I shoved him away, but he held onto me, not letting me go.

“No, you stop. Stop fighting this, us. I have for so long… I have pushed it and you away for so long and there’s no more denying it.” I licked my lips and tipped my head back looking up at the sky. The rain continued to fall, covering our bodies. As much as I wanted to run, to hide, to let the pain evaporate into nothing, I couldn’t. Something was holding me in place.

Diesel.

“I love you,” he whispered. I couldn’t even get a response in before his lips clashed with my own. In that kiss was everything he had never said to me before. His lips were harsh against mine as he placed one hand on my hip and used the other to tip my chin up. I could feel nothing but his love, his feelings, and him. He was everywhere.

His hands were all over me as he lifted me up, my legs wrapping around him instantly. Diesel walked us back toward the car, our lips never leaving one another’s. My ass landed on the warm hood as I fought to suppress a moan. The heat against my cold skin was heaven.

“I want you. I have wanted you since you tried to stop Roger from bullying me on the bus.” He shoved a piece of my hair behind my ear as he pressed his forehead against my own. I wanted him, too. Never had I wanted anything more, and even though I wanted to give in, I wasn’t sure it was the right thing.

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