Page 82 of All I Desire

“Oddly what?”

“It was Chad who suggested that I apply for the photo shoot. We saw a flyer for it at the restaurant and he pointed it out.”

I blow out a breath but don’t respond. The serendipity is almost too much to bear. My biggest nightmare is the reason I met my dream man. What are the odds?

“You don’t have to talk about him if you don’t want to. I’d never force you to relive something terrible,” he says in a hushed tone.

I shake my head. “I’ve relived it a lot and thought I was finally over everything. At least until tonight. And I’ll be fine once I get rid of this headache.”

A lump forms in my throat and my words come out thick and phlegmy. “When he first came back to school, Chad was nice to me. He asked me to a school dance. He was more popular than I was, and at the time, it seemed important that I hang with the cool kids. So ridiculous, right? But I said yes. And one thing led to another, and…” my voice trailed off. “He was my first. He later told me that he’d made a bet with his friends that he’d take my virginity.”

I hiccup in a breath. “And from there, things got…toxic. We’d fight and break up and get back together again. Since he was rich, he ran with a bunch of really arrogant assholes. I thought I was being glamorous by partying with them. It was also kind of a rebellion against my parents. I was sixteen and stupid, Matthew. We drank a lot.”

“Who wasn’t stupid at sixteen?” he says softly.

I shrug. “Things took a turn for the worse the summer between junior and senior year. He started to become, ah, physical.”

Matthew’s cheeks become redder and he swears under his breath while scrunching his eyes shut.

“I thought that if I just tried to do everything right, he’d calm down. But he was drinking a ton and doing coke. I didn’t do drugs, just drank, but I thought I could change him. I was pretty screwed up.” A shudder escapes my chest. “He forced me to…”

Matthew opens his eyes, turns, and scoops me into his arms. “Shh. You don’t need to talk about it. Not now, not ever.”

He rocks me for a few minutes. The memories of Chad return, fierce and ugly. Dammit, this was why I went to years of therapy, to handle things like this.

I pull out of his embrace, trying so hard not to cry. “It ended when he tried to strangle me at a party. For talking to another guy. I wasn’t flirting, I was being polite. Then he put his hands around my throat. I was so scared, Matthew. So scared I was going to die. When I got away from him, I finally told my parents what was happening between us. All that time, I’d kept Chad’s abuse from them because I was ashamed.”

The muscles in Matthew’s jaw bunch and he blinks.

“I thought my dad was going to kill him. And my brothers. They were so angry. Remy especially, who’s normally so laid back. But I got a restraining order and then Chad’s mom, your mom, sent him to private school in New England. That was the last I saw of him. Until today.”

Matthew’s eyes are glistening with tears, and my chest feels like it’s going to explode with all the pent-up emotion. “I’m so sorry, Natalia.” He repeats that several times, and I climb off the sofa so I can grab a tissue in the bathroom.

I blow my nose and take a huge breath. As I look in the mirror at my blotchy face and red-rimmed eyes, anger takes over. This is ridiculous. I’m thirty-two and I’m sobbing over something that happened in high school. Screw this. All of it. I need to move on with my life. I run a resort. I design jewelry. I have friends and a full life.

I’m bigger than my past, right? Or am I not? I have no freaking idea. I’m so confused and angry and upset right now that I don’t know which way is up. My therapist says that trauma and PTSD reverberate for years. I never quite believed her, despite all the nightmares over the years. Never wanted to believe.

Back in the living room, Matthew’s holding his head in his hands.

“Hey,” I say curtly.

He looks up. “Hey.”

“I think I need some time alone. Time to think. Okay? This is too much for one night.”

It kills me to do this, because all I want is to spend the night in his arms. But the reality of our situation is so much more complicated, and a night of sleep and sex with him will only make it more so.

He inhales. “Natalia… You know you can tell me anything. Can talk about anything.”

“Please,” I say firmly. No way will I tell him more. He’s probably already disgusted with me.

Nodding, he gets to his feet. We walk to the door and I don’t look at him. As I suspected. He probably wants to get out of here, fast.

“I’ll call you.” I crush the tissue in my fist.

He gulps in a breath then kisses my forehead tenderly, which makes my heart crack. “You sure you’re going to be okay alone?”

“I have Sadie next door if I need anything,” I whisper, my hand on the door. I close it a few inches. If he doesn’t leave now, he’s going to witness a meltdown of epic proportions. And no one, least of all me, wants that.

“Okay. Good. Hey, Natalia?”

“Yeah?”

“You can always call me to talk. I care so much about you. I hope you know that. I’d never have put you through today had I known.” His face is etched with pure anguish.

“I know. Just give me some time, okay?”

He nods, I nod, and my hand pushes the door shut. After a few minutes, when I’m certain he’s gone, that’s when I fall apart for real.

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