Page 61 of Your Body On My Mind

It would have been a perfect morning, except that the proverbial sword of Damocles had been hanging over my head for the better part of a week, and I didn't know whether it would go away if I just ignored it…. or whether I'd have to deal with it.

I didn't know if I could hold on much longer to the idea that everything was fine. Nothing was fine when you got right down to it. Nothing.

It was not only the night in the sex club that opened my eyes. Also the morning after. And all the hours that followed. Even before that, there had been a quiet foreboding in my mind, but something in the last few days had caused the energy to shift significantly. At least for me. Kaden was the same man he'd always been, which didn't make it any easier, but it did make it a little more complicated.

He didn't have a clue about anything. And he wouldn't, if I had my way. I couldn't tell him that I'd lost the game we'd played together. It had been dangerous from the beginning. A risk. I had taken it in stride. Until suddenly I stopped sending him out on dates with women I thought would be a good match for him. Then I'd cut back on the dates and got more from him instead. I had tried to have a conversation, to test the waters.

I'd told myself all this time that there was nothing to hang on to. It meant nothing.

But in reality that had been a lie. Maybe I had been lost from the moment he handed me the contract. Or maybe it was when he showed up at my door and made me an outrageous offer. It felt like a lifetime ago. Not just a few months.

From the very beginning, we were playing with fire. It was a hot and dangerous dance. And now, against all expectations, I had fallen in love with Kaden, even though he categorically ruled out love and had no plans to ever put himself in a vulnerable position with a woman.

A laugh escaped my lips. I laughed at myself. Cold and bitter. I had been stupid. So stupid. From the first second, Kaden had stood out from all the other men I'd dated. A small part of me must have realized what we were getting into.

I made a face, desperately searching for a solution to my stupid problem. If I kept my mouth shut, said nothing and went back to looking for the perfect woman for him, I could disappear in a few months. It didn't sound too bad in theory, but in practice it made me sick to my stomach to think that he could pay the same attention to another woman as he did to me.

The title I had given him that night had just slipped out. I had tried to suppress the word. To focus on the essential. But the feeling, the need to say it, had been so overwhelming that it had happened in a split second. And his reaction had justified it– catapulting me back into those higher realms, even though I tried to fight it.

Since then, this strange connection between us had only grown deeper. The title came to me as easily as his name– only one of them was reserved for a special time, had a special meaning…

Frustrated, I let my arms hang in the water and shook my head, causing the surfboard to wobble and almost send me over the edge.

This could not be true. How could I have lied to myself when every gentle touch on my neck, back, throat or cheek made it even more obvious? To nestle into the touch, to seek and find its support, to be strengthened by it, to feel like a better, more contented person.

That Kaden was incapable of loving anyone was a misconception on his part. He showed it in everything he did. Unconsciously. It had always been that way, and it hadn't changed until now; it had just become more intense. More focused because we were so much closer. A level had been added that had ultimately passed us by before.

Part of me even wondered if the same thing could have happened then. Not a deal, but a night together that started out as a mistake and ended up as the most incredible piece of luck. There was probably not much to be gained from thinking about it.

Kaden would use any confession as an opportunity to suspend our contract and get as far away from me as possible. I was almost as sure of that as I was that today would be unbearably hot.

In the end, my only choice was between keeping quiet and continuing to manipulate my own attempts to barter him away to another woman so I would end up marrying him but still taking my secret to the grave, or getting out of his life to give myself a chance at happiness. Though I wasn't sure who or what else I would find now that I was used to having him back in my life.

"If you want to kill yourself, try it without the board!" The female voice from the beach was Kaia's. And even though I was so scared I thought I would fall into the waves, I managed to stay on the board.

Killing myself as Kaden would not return my feelings was a bit drastic.

I heard a loud splash and less than thirty seconds later, a shadow slid in beside me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kaia turn around, clasp her hands under her head and stare at the sky.

"You look like you are having an existential crisis."

Or a crisis in purpose. Kaia hit the nail on the head, no matter what you wanted to call it. So unerringly that it hurt.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I murmured, closing my eyes and wondering why I hadn't brought a pillow with me. Weren't there any waterproof ones?

"Let's see. It's early morning. Instead of lying in your bed– or Kaden's– you're floating on the ocean, all alone. Face down on a surfboard. That screams for desperation. I also found a bottle of wine in the sand. Looks like you wanted to have a drink before work too. You know who drinks at this hour? Idiots, students, the mentally ill, and the unhappy in love." Kaia groaned. "You don't look like an idiot. I doubt you suffer from depression; if you were to study on top of your job, that would be suicide. So… does Kaden know about this?"

Sure. Kaia came down to the beach with her glass ball and guessed what I had been keeping hidden from myself for half an eternity.

"No," I grumbled.

"And are you going to tell him?"

A snort escaped me. "Of course not."

Kaia made a sound of disappointment. "I was hoping your forced date would bear fruit."

Well, the previous date had only been one of the many reasons I had fallen for Kaden. That Kaia had hoped for exactly that was news to me.

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