Page 59 of Nanny for the Damaged Ex-SEAL

Chapter 21

Aria

Ihavenothingleftto live for. I do not want to be in this cruel world that wants nothing but misery for me. I don't deserve this. Life without Connor is unbearable. I smell him everywhere; I see him everywhere. I can't get him out of my mind. I want to hold him again. I want to see Ethan. I want to bathe him at bedtime, make breakfast for him in the morning. I want to watch Connor ruffle his hair and laugh. I miss them so much. My heart aches as if it's been impaled by a sharp spike. I feel like there’s a cloud over my head, a dark cloud drenching me with rain, leaving my bones cold and soggy.

I want to be with Connor. But instead, I'm on a twin sized bed in Bria's house, staring vacuously at the ceiling. Just a few days ago, I was in Connor's arms. I was inhaling his scent and laughing at his jokes.

The door opens and Bria appears with a tray in her hands. She puts it on the bedside table, then sits on the edge of the bed.

She sighs and rubs my leg through the blanket. "You really need to eat something. I made you toast and coffee. It smells nice."

I'm sure it does, but I smell nothing. I feel nothing. In my world, there is just nothing.

"It's been two days. The only thing you’ve eaten is a cookie. Just one cookie. And you haven't had a shower," she says, moving closer.

"I'm not hungry."

"It may feel that way, but you still need to eat something. Even if it's just half a piece of toast."

Just then my tummy rumbles.

"See? Your body is begging for food."

I push myself up and shift to the edge of the bed. I know Bria is worried for me. I would be worried, too, if she was in my position. I decide to eat something just to make her feel better. I pick up the toast and take a small bite, but it’s flavorless and the texture feels revolting in my mouth. When I realize I can't swallow it, I pick up the cup of coffee and take a sip to push down the toast. It works. But I don’t take another bite. I just sit there with the toast in my hand as I feel the coffee go cold.

Bria goes into the bathroom and I hear the water run. My belly rumbles again and I take another sip of the coffee, and another, and another until it's half empty. It gives me a little strength. Bria comes back out to lead me to the bathroom. I see that the bath has been filled. She knows I won't be able to stand under the shower, and I'm grateful for her thoughtfulness. I step into the bath and almost fall down, but I steady myself by gripping the edge. Then I sit in the warm water and let it wash over my body.

Bria takes a sponge and runs it over a bar of soap and starts to scrub my body. She raises my hands up, washes my legs, my neck, my belly, my back, gently moving me as she goes. When I'm clean, she splashes water over me and makes me step out of the bath and wraps a pink fluffy towel around me.

I go back into the room and sit on the bed with my hair plastered to either side of my face. She comes to sit beside me and plugs the hairdryer in the nearest socket. We don't speak until she's done drying and straightening my hair. Then she combs it and pulls it into a ponytail.

She goes out of the room and comes back a few minutes later with a green cable knit sweater and blue jeans.

"When do you think will be the best time for us to go get your things?"

"Today. It's Tuesday. Connor will be at the gym. At least, he should be," I respond.

"How do we get in if no one's home?"

"We keep an extra key hidden outside in case one of us loses our key." I cringe at my use of the word “our.” There's definitely no us now. It's just me.

Bria unplugs the straightener and sets it on the dresser to cool. "Okay. Let me go get ready."

Bria's car stops in front of Connor's house and a wave of nostalgia drowns my heart. It feels like I've been away for a year. Everything feels so foreign to me.

"I would have preferred if you could stay back home while I do this because I know the memories this place has for you. But I need you to show me where your things are.”

“It’s fine,” I say as I click open the car door.

When I check, the key is still in its hiding place. The fact that he’s not moved it tugs at my aching heart and I sigh. I open the door, and as soon as it opens, I'm struck with a whiplash of emotions.

"You good?" Bria questions when she notices my hesitation.

"Yeah."

We go upstairs to my room. I'm reminded of the first day I came here. The way I'd felt. The uncertainty. I thought things were bad then, but I'll take that feeling over how I feel now. All I feel now is emptiness and hopelessness.

Bria goes to the closet and starts to pack my things into my suitcase.

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