Page 41 of Nanny for the Damaged Ex-SEAL

"Then he'll joins us. We can all stay home."

She hits me playfully on the arm and shuffles away into Ethan's room.

I glance into his room. He's sitting at his little table. "Hey, buddy. Good morning." I go in to give him a kiss and I give Aria a wink before going back to my room.

When Cassy died, I never thought that I'd be here again. I made up my mind to never let anyone in. I made it my life's mission to the point where Amy constantly gave me grief about it.

"You know you can't continue like this, right?" she’d ranted on.

"I can, Amy. I promise you, I can."

"Why are you so bent on being alone? That's not a way to live life, and I'm sure Cassy wouldn't want you to live this way. Would she? Be honest with yourself."

"Why do I need to be with someone? Can't I live on my own? Am I not allowed to be on my own?"

"You can't do life alone. And no, you aren't allowed to be on your own. I’m calling it quits to that. You're my cousin, you’re just like a brother to me, and I want to see you happy."

"I'm happy."

"No, you're not. You're carrying so much suffering inside of you that you need to let go of. I’ve gone through what you’re going through. My first husband died, remember? But that doesn't mean you have to close yourself up. Look at me, I found Charles and I'm happy again."

"Good for you. There's no one else for me."

She'd looked at me with pity in her eyes. "You'll have to settle down someday."

If only Amy could see me now. But I know she'll never approve of what I've got going on with Aria. Charles would lose his shit, probably die of a heart attack. I doubt Bria would be on board either, though she seems to be the more open-minded one.

We have a dinner at Charles and Amy's tonight. I'm not looking forward to it. Because now, it’ll be harder to keep a straight face while saying I don't need anyone. Because it’s become clear now that Amy and Charles are right. I do need someone.

"Look at you!" Charles says to Ethan when he opens the door.

Ethan is staring up at him and laughing. Charles takes him by the hand and leads him in, leaving us there as if we weren't invited.

Aria shakes her head and says, “You’re just going to leave us here, Dad?”

Charles doesn’t look back. “Ethan is the only one I know.” He looks down at Ethan. “You’re the only one I know.”

Ethan nods and laughs. He holds on to Charles’ hand tightly.

When we get into the living room, the first thing Amy says is, "I'm glad to see you two aren't chopping each other's heads off. The last you came for dinner, you two weren’t speaking."

No, Amy. We aren't chopping each other's heads off, but we're chopping other things up.I think to myself, and I press my lips together. Aria and I try so hard to act normal. And we hope Ethan doesn’t say anything. Although I know he’s not seen us together, but you never know with children, they’re more perceptive than you’d expect. We guard his mouth all through the evening.

Amy shifts in her chair. "Aria. You and Connor are on good terms now, and I'm happy about it. I think you should encourage him to start dating. He needs to get out there."

I look over at her and I notice a lump in her throat as she tries to swallow.

"Don't you think it’ll do him some good? To laugh and dine and have a good time which will eventually lead to him settling down?" she continues.

Aria nods without uttering a word. I'm grateful she doesn't mention Miranda in order to cover for me because I know that will open another line of questioning from Amy.

"If you fall in love and bring her to us, we'll support you," Charles says to me.

Amy bobs her head. "Yes, we will. I'll accept her with my whole heart."

I get off my chair and pat Ethan on the head on my way to the restroom. "I need to use the toilet." I don’t need to use the toilet, but I need to evade Amy’s questions. Maybe if I spend enough time in there it’ll make her forget the questions she has for me.

I feel guilty for not telling them that I'm seeing someone who's right in the dining room with them. I feel guilty because I've been in this house with Cassy more than once. I feel guilty because honesty is one of my highest values, one of the things that drew Cassy to me, but now I'm becoming someone she wouldn’t recognize. I feel guilty because I can't love Aria out loud. She deserves it. She deserves to be loved fully and openly and I can't give her that.

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