Page 51 of No Regrets

“And yet, you have been patient. Very. I’m sorry I wouldn’t see you, Dex. I couldn’t... it was just too hard... too much.” Her voice broke. He leaned forward but hesitated, still afraid to touch her.

“Hey, don’t get upset. I understand. I do.”

He watched her blink back tears, uncertainty in her eyes.

“OK. Maybe I didn’t understand at first. I just wanted to be there for you. Fix it. But I do get it now. I promise. I have missed you though. A lot. There’s so much I want to say to you—”

“I need you to let me speak first.” Kelly held up her hand, shaking her head.

“Of course.”

She took a sip of coffee. He could practically see her drawing on every bit of courage and strength she had. Damn, it shouldn’t be this hard to talk to him. They’d always been so close.

“I’ve missed you, Dex. Missed my best friend. I’ve been torn up with guilt over what happened, even though I know it wasn't my fault. The feelings don’t just go away. I pushed everyone away because it was easier than facing anyone or anything that took me back there. I’m ready to start letting people back in. The team, colleagues. But with you it’s harder. I’m not the same woman I was before, and I don’t know if I ever will be.”

Dex opened his mouth to speak.

“No. Let me finish, please. I want you and the team in my life, but things aren’t going to be the same as they were, Dex. I love you. I always will, but I can’t be with you. I need you to let me go.”

Dex swallowed, his mind racing. "What do you mean, let you go?” he asked, fighting to keep his voice soft.

“I want to be your friend, but that's all I can be.”

“Dammit, Kelly, that’s not what I want.” He’d raised his voice, at once regretting it. “Sorry, it’s just, I still want you, Kelly. Nothing has changed for me in how I feel about you. I want what we had.”

“I can’t give you that. Everything’s changed for me. I need time to heal, and I'll do that better by myself. It might not be what you want, but it’s what I want. I have to focus on what’s right for me.”

“What about what’s right for me? Do you think I can just walk away and move on?” Fuck, that was an unfair thing to say. He was making things worse.

“I’m sorry Dex. You mean the world to me, and I want you in my life, but as a friend. If that’s going to be too hard, I’ll understand.”

She stood and he looked up at her, his heart breaking. He’d really thought today would be the start of them reconnecting. How wrong could he be?

“Kelly wait. Let's talk.”

“I’m not going to change my mind. I’m sorry if I've hurt you, I never wanted to do that.”

Dex stood. “I love you Kelly, I can’t just flip a switch. I don’t want to.”

Kelly shook her head gently, the pain in her eyes ripping his heart apart.

“I’ll always love you. I hope we can get past this and still be in each other’s lives.”

Dex wanted to scream, to grab hold of her and shake some sense into her. This was ridiculous. They loved each other, wasn't that all that mattered? They could work everything else out. Instead, he stood still, common sense telling him forcing the issue would only make things worse.

Letting out a sigh, he said. “So how does this just friends thing work?”

“I don’t know. I guess we take one day at a time. That’s how I’m living my life these days.”

He watched her walk away, feeling his world tumbling down around him again.

KELLY POURED HERSELF a generous glass of wine and curled up on her sofa. The day had been quite a roller-coaster of emotions and she’d almost called Claire, then Sophie, but she stopped herself. She needed to start standing on her own two feet.

Seeing the team had been great. The trash talking, easy back and forth, had been refreshing and reminded her she was a part of that team, that family. While normally there’d have been hugs and kisses, it hadn’t been uncomfortable. They had instinctively known to give her more space. She should have known they would.

The assignment had come over from Joe and she was excited to get sucked into it tomorrow. It would be a welcome distraction from Dex.

Their conversation hadn’t gone how she envisioned. She had hoped he would be more agreeable to being just friends. She sighed, taking a large sip of wine. At least it was done now. One day at a time. Celebrate the wins. She’d gotten her cast off, seen the team, gotten an assignment. And she had let Dex know where they stood, where she stood. That was a lot for one day. No wonder she felt exhausted.

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