Page 26 of No Regrets

Kelly shook her head. They’d talked about when she was taken, about Lazir, the torture and, in the last session, the rape itself. Initially Kelly hadn’t wanted to go over it again, but this was different. With the debrief, it had all been about the facts. With Claire, it was more about feelings and for the first time, she’d confessed about how dirty, damaged and disgusted she felt about herself. It had been somewhat of a relief to express it, especially when Claire didn’t try to dismiss how she was feeling.

“Why don’t you tell me about how you were rescued?”

Kelly picked up her mug of tea and took a sip before answering.

“I don’t remember too much about it.”

“Tell me what you do remember.” Claire settled back against the couch, sipping her own drink.

Closing her eyes, Kelly was at once transported back to the dirty dark cell. The same place that haunted her at night when she tried to sleep.

“I remember hearing a lot of noise. Gunshots, I think. Voices. Banging. I tuned out. It was how I was coping with...” She trailed off, not able to say it.

Claire had no such reserves. “The rape?” she supplied when Kelly was silent for obviously too long.

Kelly exhaled. “Uh huh. It had just happened. I sensed someone come into the room, but it didn’t really register. There was a bright light and then I felt a hand on my neck, and I jumped. A man was there, but I didn’t recognize him. It was dark. I was scared. I thought it was about to happen again.”

“But it wasn’t Lazir, or his men?”

“No. The man was speaking, and I heard the American accent, but didn’t comprehend what he was saying. It was like I was on the outside looking in on a silent movie. It’s difficult to explain.”

“You’re doing great.”

“The man was moving, and then he placed something in front of me. He said something about home. I remember hearing that word and thinking: American, home.”

“Did you understand he was there to rescue you?”

“I didn’t, but something resonated. He wasn’t touching me or trying to hurt me. He’d put his shirt in front of me and I managed to put it on. Then he picked me up and I wanted to fight. But I was so tired, and everything hurt. I didn’t have the strength to fight. I gave in and let him carry me out, not really knowing where I was going.”

“Do you recall what you felt when he picked you up.”

Kelly opened her eyes and put down her mug. “I honestly don’t remember. I’m not sure I cared what was happening at that point. But something felt right, felt familiar.”

“What happened after that?”

“The next thing I remember was someone putting cream or something on my cuts. I guess I was on the plane by this time. I could hear the engine noise, hear voices but was too afraid to open my eyes, worried it was a dream.” She was ringing her hands, to stop them shaking. It was all so vivid.

“But it still felt right?”

“Yeah. It did. And then his voice became clear. He was saying my name. It was Dex. I opened my eyes, and it was him.” Kelly choked, tears streaming down her face.

Claire reached over, handed her a box of tissues and squeezed her hand gently. Kelly swiped at her tears, embarrassed to be so emotional.

“Kelly, it’s OK to cry. It’s good to get it out.”

“I hate feeling this way.”

“What way?”

“An emotional wreck. Weak.”

“You think you’re weak?”

“Of course I am. Look at me. I’m trained to handle tough situations. I couldn’t fight Lazir off. I let him do what he did and now I’m getting upset over every little thing. Yes, I’m weak.” She blew her nose, sinking back against the couch.

“There is no training for rape. And the captivity you endured, that shows strength not weakness. You were outnumbered, unarmed, and restrained. You are not to blame for what happened to you. You did fight. You were tough and because of that you survived. Getting upset now is normal. I’d be worried if you weren’t.”

“I didn’t want to survive, Claire. I wanted to die. I was so happy to see Dex when I realized it was him, but now all I can think about is that I wished I’d died there because I don’t want to deal with this.”

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