Page 59 of Three Beasts

Chapter 35

Zeva

I'm at the farmhouse and back in my own surroundings.

It may not be the nicest place on earth, but it's the only home I've ever known, and everything here reminds me of my dad. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, since I miss him so much.

I'm at the sink, cleaning dishes and trying to distract myself.

I walked out on them. I just walked out. I don't know what I was thinking but it seemed like the only option at the time. How could I stay? How could they be so selfish as to want me to stay? I'm sad inside, and I feel morose. Life is looking pretty lonely from this vantage point.

When I had Wade sleeping there, recovering from his wounds, there was a moment when I felt that things could turn out alright. There was a glimmer of hope.

But then, when Jason and Alex returned and I saw the three of them together...oh God, then I realized that they’ll never leave The Order behind. They place their brotherhood above everything else.

I decide there's only one person to call, Tammi. I miss her and I need a mother figure right now to tell me what to do.

I call the number she gave me, her sister's house.

"Tammi? Hey, it's me Zeva. I miss you."

"Oh darlin’, are you all right? I heard some of what's been goin’on down there. You okay?"

"I'm fine," my voice is shaky and I start to cry. She's a safe person to cry with. She won't judge me and I can just release.

"You don't sound very fine."

"I walked out on them. I left all of them because they refuse to leave the gang. I just can't take it anymore. Wade got injured and there was blood everywhere and it just reminded me of ... dad."

"Oh, sweetie. It's alright. It's only natural. Your daddy's in a better place now. And he's lookin’ down on you, and I'll bet you he's so proud of you standing up to those three big guys like that. The hardest part of loving someone is leaving them."

"Oh Tammi, I miss them so much. And I feel all alone. I'm just alone."

"No, sweetheart. You stay strong. You stood your ground on an important issue. They can't expect you to just watch them die. You deserve to have a real life, a happy life."

"You think?" I try the tears on the sleeve of my sweatshirt as I move out to the old, paint-chipped porch where at least I can see the stars to give me comfort.

"Trust me, they will come back. You are worth leaving that club for. Those men have all these false ideas about what honor means. But it means to stand by the people you love. If they love you they will find you. I promise."

I knew she would help me to see the difference between reality and my pain. She's right. I did what I had to do.

I sniffle and she makes a joke about how much better the big city is. It makes me laugh and I'm jolted for a minute into happiness.

"You always cheer me up."

"Well that's what I'm here for … and Zeva, I'm always going to be here for you. Just remember, the offer still stands about you being able to come out here. I think you'd really like it. If those guys don't come crawlin’ back to you…well, then you just get on an airplane and come over here. You can start brand new in New York City. It's the city of dreams or some such shit."

I seriously consider the idea of starting over for a minute. But then I say what I know I need to say, "I can't, Tammi. You know I can't leave them. I have to try to pull them away from this life. Maybe I can help them to see ... but thank you for the offer."

"Well, NYC will always be here. And so will I. Just call if you need anything."

"Thank you, so much. Take care, okay? I don't need something happening to you also."

"Oh honey, trust me I will. This city is my playground."

"Thanks, Tammi, good night."

"’Night, sweetie."

We hang up and I cradle the phone to my chest. I feel closer to her already, and I feel like I can see my path forward.

I will always have Tammi at least.

My anger at the guys is cooling off, and more than anything, I feel sad that they just don't see how carefree and happy we could be without The Order. Our lives were just getting good, our relationship was starting, and then it all ended. I can still feel their rough hands on my body and it makes me come alive with desire. I'd give anything to be with just one of them right now…or better yet, all three. Never have I felt so full and adored as when I'm with them.

What we have is special and if they don't realize that…well, then they don't deserve me.

My dogs come out then, rushing into the kitchen and running between my legs. I pet their heads softly, my fingers running through their fur, and I allow myself a moment where I don’t think of anything.

This is going to be one lonely night.

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