Page 87 of Hurt for Me

Ben turned quiet. “It doesn’t matter if I believe it. It’s just reality.”

Rae wondered what would happen if all the women in the world collectively decided to rise up against men, killing all the ones who had molested, raped, or beat them. She imagined there wouldn’t be many men left.

“Do you still think I’m a grifter?” she asked him, and his mouth opened a little in surprise.

“You shouldn’t eavesdrop. But, no, I was wrong to think that about you. However, I do think you’re more capable than you want other people to believe because you think it will protect you to appear innocent. I see how you act around the people at church. But what I saw you doing with those dolls that day ... you know plenty about how things work.”

The way he was looking at her, shame wrapped its claws around her heart. It quickly turned to rage. “What does that mean? That because I was forced to do things I didn’t want to do by men who wanted to feel powerful, I don’t get to have power myself? I don’t get to take back what they stole from me by enjoying anything to do with sex, especially if I make money from it?” She swiped her hand across her eyes, brushing away tears.

Ben shook his head like he was disappointed. “Is that what you think you’re worth then? An object for men to look at? How is that empowerment?”

“Because I choose it!” she yelled. “And I don’t need your help anymore.” She started to leave his office.

“Rae, wait.”

She turned around.

“We met in college. Mare and me. And we don’t talk now because we both know if we did, we’d have nothing to say to each other. So, it’s easier this way. For Katelyn.”

Rae thought about her own mother and father, the lonely silence stretched between them for so many years. And they had probably believed she didn’t notice, but it had eaten a hole in her chest to feel her mother’s indifference toward her dad because she saw it bleeding over to her.

She watched Ben slumped in his chair, and she saw her own dad, always pretending things were fine, doing everything possible to avoid conflict. “You talk crap about how I found empowerment for myself, but where’s the power in playing pretend happy family with your wife?”

Ben’s mouth tightened. Rae didn’t wait for a response and left the office.

That night during dinner, Marilyn kept watching Rae, her smile blinking on and off like a toy whose battery was dying.

“I got a call today,” Marilyn said as Rae took a bite of the pork chops she’d made for the family. “From the manager of an apartment complex in Oklahoma City.”

Rae swallowed her bite, feeling her throat tighten until she thought she’d start choking. She had submitted her application for a cheap apartment, and it required three references. The only people she knew of to put down were Ben, Marilyn, and Viv’s aunt Cynthia. The rest of the application had been stressful to complete, with questions she didn’t have easy answers to, like her work history and education.

“I thought you were going to stay with us until after you give birth.” Marilyn’s body tensed up as if she was afraid of Rae’s answer.

“Um ... I think it would be better for me to have my own place before Lily comes.”

Katelyn’s little face scrunched up into a frown. “I don’t want Rae to go. Daddy, don’t make her go away.”

It was fast, but Rae caught Marilyn’s glare at Ben.

“I’m not making her go away, pumpkin.” Ben glanced at Rae. “You heard her. She wants to have her own home for when her baby comes.”

Marilyn’s smile blinked back on. “Rae, don’t you think it’s irresponsible to move so close to your due date? What if something happens, and you’re not prepared for it?”

“That’s her choice to make, Mare.”

This time Marilyn’s glare was full force on Ben before she turned it on Rae. “Well, if you leave before the baby comes, we’re not going to be able to help you financially. And I don’t know how you’ll pay for rentandcover the cost of the birth.”

Rae looked at Ben, but his eyes were on his plate of food. All his talk about men taking power made her want to get right up in his face and hysterically laugh until her voice went hoarse. He had no power in his relationship, and he was going to let Marilyn manipulate her into staying. Fuck that. She would find a way, but she needed time to figure out Medicaid in Oklahoma to cover her pregnancy costs. Viv had helped her with those things before, but now Rae had to learn it on her own, and all the forms were overly complicated.

Rae forced a smile. “You’re right. It’s not a smart idea to move right now.”

A satisfied grin spread across Marilyn’s face. “I’m glad you’re seeing reason. Really, Rae, what were you thinking? You don’t even have a job.”

Ben caught Rae’s eye. They had their own shared secret.

CHAPTER 54

RAE

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