Page 40 of Lawless

I can only assume he took the photo to document how much her life was about to change. He certainly didn’t take it to capture a moment of happiness.

Or was it?

Being with him, being safe… it must have been the best day she’d had in a long time.

With the vodka warming my belly and slowing the ants, I pick up the pen and rest the notebook on my knee.

I stare at the blank page for the longest time.

But then I glance at that photo again and the sight of her looking so vulnerable, so broken and yet so strong, all at the same time, opens up something inside me.

Dear diary…

I pause, my need to purge the poison from inside me colliding with my need to be a strong, unshakable member of the Hawks. Reid deserves to have a right-hand man he can actually rely on. He shouldn’t be forced to hide the knives and anything sharp or potentially dangerous that he comes across in the house.

With a pained sigh, I grip the pen tighter again and try to force my hand to stop trembling so my writing is legible.

I knew what I was doing. But I was powerless to stop myself from falling.

The end was inevitable.

And here we are.

You’re gone and I’m alone.

I guess history does repeat itself.

I want to say that this time, there is a chance that I’ll get you back.

But honestly, I couldn’t even blame you if you ran out of Harrow Creek and never looked back.

You deserve that.

You deserve to be happy.

So does Mav.

I just wish…

I just wish it could have been me holding your hand, leading you toward a future full of happiness and laughter.

People always leave.

My father…

I guess he didn’t leave. He just… never existed.

My mother, once she decided that I wasn’t good enough to hold her attention. The drugs had a tighter hold on her than I ever did.

That’s probably why I’m so fucked in the head.

I’ve no evidence that she was high, stoned, tripping, or whatever else while she was pregnant with me, but it sure would explain a few things if she were.

The foster parents who promised to give me the kind of family I deserved.

The group homes where the staff wore what appeared to be genuine smiles when I entered, only to turn into a version of the devil incarnate when the social worker’s back was turned and the doors locked behind them.

School was my sanctuary. Spending time with Reid and Knox and a handful of others who had no idea about my life was the best it ever got for me.

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