Page 56 of The Cabin

“What is your freaking deal with her?”

“I told you already.”

“So, you were willing to humiliate me over a girl not liking you?”

“It’s got a lot to do with a girl not liking me. But I wasn’t trying to humiliate you.”

“Then what do you call last night?” I glance back down at him, he’s rubbing his jaw and I can tell he’s getting frustrated again, like he doesn’t know how much he wants to say.

“I don’t know.” Mature. I don’t want to have this conversation any more than he does, but you gotta giddy on up there, cowboy. I wait him out.

More silence.

“To be clear, I’m already very well aware of my shortcomings and I don’t need you reminding me of them. I am trying to move on. And that’s really difficult to do when you block me every opportunity I get. You don’t have to remind me of what I’m not getting. What I’ve never gotten. I haven’t forgotten. I know exactly where my lane is.”

“That’s not it at all.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“You’re making it sound like I was making fun of you.”

“You were. You were reminding the lonely girl that she’s going to stay lonely. That she’s never going to get to move on. You were teasing me. Showing me how desperate I am for affection.”

“I don’t mean this in a shitty way, but I really think you’re projecting here.” Oh, here we go. Psychologist Grayson takes the stage.

NowI’mgrunting through a clenched jaw. “Mm.”

“None of the things I did last night were about, what, teaching you a lesson? I don’t think you belong in Loserville, Sol. I don’t want you to be lonely. I don’t think you’re desperate.”

“If you don’t want me to be lonely, why were you so adamant that I don’t see Jade ever again?” Ah, the infamous Grayson silence. When he has to answer any direct question…surprise! He doesn’t. “I’m not sure why I even came in here. You won’t have a real conversation with me anyway. I keep getting swept up in these ridiculously sweet, thoughtful gestures that somehow hypnotize me into forgetting how you’ve treated me. I came in here feeling guilty. Because you made me my freaking favorite childhood food. I felt guilty even though you made me feel pathetic last night.” He lets his elbow slide from underneath him, falling back onto his pillow. “For the record. Jade doesn’t make me feel pathetic.” I move to stand up.

“You’re blaming me for the fact that you feel embarrassed about how you felt last night with me.”

I do feel embarrassed by how easily he had me begging for his touch. “It doesn’t matter. Last night can’t happen again.” I turn and walk towards the door.

“Why not, Sol? Say it.” He gets out of bed, closing the distance between us.

“Because you turned me into my worst nightmare last night.” Hurt flashes across his features. It’s very clear he wasn’t expecting me to say that.

“What?” His voice sounds pained.

“You are married. You are somebody’s husband. I let somebody’s husband slip his hand into my pants. I am no better than the woman I found in my bed withmyhusband.”

His face falls and he takes a step back. I’ve hurt him with what I’ve said.

Yeah, well. The truth hurts.

Chapter 17

The cool water trickles over my bare feet, splashes over algae covered rocks, and pools in random deep spots. It’s chilly, but I like it. Chilly is good. Chilly keeps me present, keeps me from having a panic attack.

I snuck out this morning and came down to the creek in front of my cabin. I probably should have just slept in there last night, but, you know, woods at night, etcetera, etcetera.

This living arrangement isn’t going to work out. I was right about this acquaintanceship the first time. The hot and the cold is too much. I thought it was helping me feel alive, which, I guess it was. But I’m feeling alive enough and I’m not interested in pining after someone who not only doesn’t want me, but someone who I couldn’t have even if I wanted to. And someone who is shitty one minute and then lures me back in the next. I think that’s the textbook definition of manipulation.

I just don’t see another solution. My car won’t be ready for another two days. I could stay in my cabin for them, but I’d have to borrow food from Grayson and then I’d have to go crawling back to get a ride into town anyway. I’m just going to have to do my best to keep my distance. It probably would’ve all been perfectly fine had Monday night not happened. I had fun with the pranks, I was invigorated by the bickering, I was enjoying being secretly turned on by his dominance, and I really loved feeling seen. He’d done so many kind things that were specific to me. Not generally nice things. Things that were tailored to be kind tome.

I know I started the whole thing Monday night. I was trying to one up him in our back and forth. I was trying to get under his skin. Prove I could mess with him a little. Get in his head. It was meant to be playful. But what happened in his bed was mean. It doesn’t matter how much I enjoyed it in the moment. I’d never been explored like that. So slow, so sensual, so seductive. There was no rush, there was no expectation, no hope of reciprocity guiding his actions. But it was all to laugh at me. To get back at me for the bar. To prove how much I yearned, ached for intimacy. And then to shove in my face that he was going to make sure I wasn’t going to get it. All over a temper tantrum he was throwing because he didn’t get his way and one girl out of four hundred wasn’t into him. Way uncalled for.

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