Page 146 of Ensnared

Sowhile his cries are delicious, and his pleasure addictive, what keeps me up at night is that moment.Theone where he gives himself over to me completely, where he looks up with perfect trust and heartbreaking faith.It’sthe moment whereIknowI’vesatisfied something deep inside him, and the relentless craving inside me has also eased.It’sbetter than any orgasmI’veever had.

Andfuck,Iwant that again.ButIwon’t have it.Notever.

Thishas gone on long enough.

“Soominnoticed, of course.Shewasn’t stupid.Andover the next three years,Idevoted myself to convincing her thatIwould never take advantage of my patient, thatIloved her, thatIdidn’t need to feed the darkness inside me.”

Oldhurt spills over, andIcan’t keep it from my voice. “Imeant it,Lucien.Itruly did.Evenif she wasn’t my best friend, even ifIdidn’t love her, the imbalance of power between you and me was—is—far too great to ever be palatable.Inthe end, though, she didn’t believe me.Sheleft.Sheleft, andIwas alone with the promises thatIswore never to break.”

Andhere it is.Thehard part.AndIwill explain it to him, thoughIknow him well enough to know he won’t accept it.It’swhyI’veheld my tongue until now.

Everystep closer to him hurts, butItake them, until we’re a breath apart.Alwaysclose but that space never closed.Ittakes several moments before he meets my eyes, still with that unreadable, intense expression.

“Thosepromises are still promises,Lucien, even though it’s been five years and an apocalypse since our divorce.Becauseyou are still too young, you are still my patient, andIstill have an ethical responsibility toward you.I’vebeen a mentor and a guide to you, and you have confused those feelings with a crush.Itwould be wrong to take advantage of those feelings.”

Lucien’sface darkens like a gloaming sky, butIcut him off.

“It’snot psychobabble,Lucien.It’scalled transference and it is a very real phenomenon.”Icup his chin, unable to help it. “Ipromisedmy wife you wouldn’t be mine.Imade promises to myself whenItook on this profession not to cross certain lines.”

Istroke along his jaw, knowing it might be the last timeIallow myself to do so.He’stense and furious, his eyes wet with the worst kind of tears.Hot, filthy shame makes my throat tight too.

“Sincewe’ve been living here,I’veslipped more times thanI’mproud of.Somehowthe box pries itself open, andIrelive a new brand of failure as a husband, psychologist, and dominant.Youhave to understand.It’sterrible,Lucien.ThethingsI’vedone to you—Iam the villainIalways feared myself to be.”

“Doneto me?”Lucienasks, and there’s a dangerous, bladed edge to his question.Hiseyes flash. “Areyou finished?”

Unsettledby his tone,Ifrown, searching his face.I’mnot sureI’veever seen him look quite like this.

Inod, and he nods back, like we’re agreeing.

“Good.”

Lucienshoves me back, hard. “Whothe fuck do you think you are?”

Hegrabs my shirt and yanks me close, andIbrace myself against him, stumbling.Heturns us and shoves me against the wall.Hisstrength surprises me, thoughIknow it shouldn’t.He’sjust never turned it on me before.Ifinally recognize the raw, unfiltered fury for what it is.

Myheart twists until it snaps, severing itself from all vital blood flow.Ithas to be why my chest hurts so much.

“Iam not some tender-hearted schoolgirl who’s never had her skirts flipped before,” he snarls in my face.

Everyinch of him is pressed against me, as if in protest of the spaceIalways kept between us.Irritatedthat he’s missed the point,Iopen my mouth, but he slaps a hand over it.

“No.Youhad your say, now you listen, you stupid, old, patronizingfuck.”Inarrow my eyes on him over his palm, not at all sure about this flip in our roles. “I’velived through war.I’vehad my heart broken.I’vebeen fucked in every holeIhave.I’vedated, and killed, and loved, and lost.I’vesurvived an apocalypse.Howdareyou stand here and tell meIdon’t know my own mind?”

Hetakes his hand from my mouth and smears his thumb over my lips, the wayI’vedone more times thanIshould have.

“Doyou have any idea how condescending you sound?Youthink we’re the first people who have ever fallen in love that shouldn’t have?”Luciengrinds his dick against me, rubbing against mine through our pants, andIcan’t help my grunt. “AndI’msorry, but your wife is gone, and there’s no ethics board here to rake you over the coals.Howcan you say this is a lie?Doyou even really believe that?Nomatter who you are to me, who you’ve ever been,thisis real.Thesefeelings exist whether you want them to or not.Theyalways have.”

Enough.Imove to push him off me and find thatIcan’t.It’sgalling to admit, but he is stronger thanIam.Myheart pounds unsteadily.Hiseyes narrow on me, so close to mine.Ican taste him from here.

Mylips purse asIscramble for my usual cool. “Yes,Lucien,Ido believe that my duty to you is real.Ethicsdon’t stop existing just because no one is around to enforce them.Ididn’t stay away from you becauseIdidn’t want to lose my job.Istayed away because it’s wrong.Youdon’t fully understand your unconscious drivers, what is pushing you toward me.Andmy own lust is simply a case of countertransference, responding to your infatuation.Youwere so young when we met, it—”

Luciengrowls, andI’ma touch intrigued by this wild, angry side to him.Iwant to wrap a chain around his neck and force anO-ring in his mouth and hear him growl just like that around my dick.

Butthat would be counterproductive to this conversation.

Iswallow, needing to get myself back under control.It’sutterly shredded.HavingLucienpressed against me like this is the purest torment.I’venever allowed myself the pleasure and would never have allowed him to take it.Butheistaking it.

It’snot my sin if he takes it from me, surely.

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