Page 145 of Ensnared

He’sright.

It’stime forLuciento know it all.

Chapter32

Jasper

Survivaltip #32

Yourfight will give out at some point.

Preparefor the consequences.

Ibreathe in through my nose, calling on every meditative techniqueIever learned to pull myself back into some shaky semblance of control.Two, three more breaths later andI’mable to stare at the screens, at that bird flying in and settling on that tree branch.

Why.Whereto begin?

“Mywife—”Istart, then try again. “Myrelationship withSoomin... it was so straightforward, at first.Shewas a darling.Sweet, intelligent, and a wonderful, trained submissive.Youmet her.Youknow.”

Lucienleans against the desk, watching without speaking, andI’mgrateful.Thisis a difficult thing to articulate.It’shard to talk about her; harder still to talk about her withhim.

“Itonly took me a year to realizeSoominandIweren’t well matched.Hermasochistic tendencies were very light, andIhungered for more.”

Ican’t look at him for this.Notbecause he won’t understand, but becauseIknow he will, and too well.Myeyes drop to my ring, andIabsently realizeI’vebeen spinning it.Itake another deep breath and force myself to still my hands.

“Forseven beautiful years, it was worth it.Or, at least,Iwas able to convince myself it was.”Iswallow, and then lower my voice. “AndifIsometimes trembled with the need for more, to push her in other ways, darker ways,Ilearned to suppress it.Iquashed that part of myself viciously, not even allowing myself the fantasy of it—because even in fantasy it felt wrong whenIwas vividly aware that she wanted no part of that particular facet of my soul.”

Lucienshifts, but whenIglance at him, he just nods at me to continue without meeting my eyes.Asmall frown mars his forehead.

“Overtime, the signs of strain began to show, both in her because she was sharp enough to notice how muchIheld myself back, and in me, for the holding back.AndIloathed myself for the weakness.Forthe misplaced guiltIsaw building in her eyes.Butwe went to the club, we experimented.Weloved one another, so we made it work.Wemade it work right up until...”Myvoice catches, nervousness closing my airways.Igather myself and continue, “Rightup untilImet someone.Ayoung soldier who changed everything.”

Lucienhas gone so still,I’mnot sure he’s breathing.Hisgolden hair is half twisted in a bun on his head and half cascading over his shoulders.Theharsh fluorescent lights shouldn’t be flattering, butI’mnot sure it’s possible for him to look less than devastating to me.

“Young, gorgeousLucien,”Isay tenderly, and his chest hitches, thoughIdon’t hear a sound.He’sturned his face from me, andIwish he wouldn’t.Iwant to read every thought that crosses his expressive face. “Whowouldn’t have been in awe, meetingLucien?Asoldier who had moved through the ranks at near record speed.Ayoung man who, while a confident bisexual, was also a conflicted, submissive-leaning switch with heavy masochistic tendencies.Itwas like seeing a notice for my own demise.Hewas to be undermycare as a high-priority patient—andIwas madly, urgently attracted to him.”

Freshfrom my promotion,Iwas feeling good.I’ddebriefedBeaumont,Dominic, and most other members of the platoon by that stage, and we’d gotten on well enough.I’dwanted to brush up on my notes before meeting withJaykobafter reading about the incident with his brother, and thoughtLucienwould be a straightforward assessment.

Rightup untilIsaw the shameless interest that lit up his eyes, and all the shadows and needs and fears that hid behind them.Isaw those dimples begging for my tongue.

Straightforward, my lily-white ass.

Now, those dimples are nowhere in sight.Thatboy might have matured into an incredible man, but right now, he’s still the picture of vulnerability.

Iforce myself to go on. “Thisboywas a cruel joke on me—both on my marriage, and on my profession.Itwas beyond absurd.Me, a thirty-five-year-old happily married man, an experienced psychologist, lusting after a twenty-one-year-oldpatient.Itwas... a cosmic unkindness beyond my imagination.”

Leaningagainst the wall,Isigh. “Soof course,Ilocked that down too, into the same placeIpushed my sadistic self.Icould indulge neither.Perhapsthose fantasies could play with one another there, butIwas determined never to peek into that box of shame.”Hardeningmy tone,Iadd, “Youmust understand,Lucien.Iloved my wife, genuinely, and she deserved the loyaltyIpromised.Andyou—you defenseless, flawless thing—deserved a therapist you could trust, who would help you without guile or agenda.Forall our sakes, the box could never be opened.”

But, curse him,Lucienwas a flirt, and curious, and he tested all my limits.Throughhis sessions we talked about his work, of course, and also his sexuality.Hisfears and worries about being seen as a submissive.Hisown calling, for pain and tears and pleases and thank-yous that so perfectly, desperately matched my own.Hisrecitations of fantasies and desires that had me sitting swollen and dripping pre-cum in my chair asItook dutiful notes.Hiscurious, hungry, and entirely inappropriate questions about me.

Present-dayLucienlooks at me, finally, intensely, but for once,Ican’t read him.

“Thelines started to blur.SoominandIbecame more involved with events on base.Youstarted showing up everywhere, at barbecues and charity auctions and, worst of all, you began frequenting the club.Ishouldn’t have been surprised—there weren’t a plethora around... andIwas intimately aware of your needs.”

Iglare at him, unable to help myself, remembering that furious, helpless panicI’dfelt on seeing him there.Lucien’slips tighten, but he doesn’t look away from my wrath.

“Istarted takingSoominto the private rooms for our sessions there, not sure whoIwas trying to protect.Perhapsboth of you.Perhapsonly myself.”Iswallow, some of my glare softening. “Iknew seeing you likethat, shattered and tearstained, might be something too big to fit in my box.”

Itwould have been.Itis.Everytime, despite the soul-souring shame,Ihave to admit in the most shadowy recesses of my heart, that he is perfect.Thisgorgeous, likable man whose masochism rides him as deeply as my sadism does me.Whosemischievous spirit is so enduring and bright, he’s impossible not to love.

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