Page 219 of Entangled

I know Jayk can handle my fight.

I just don’t know if he can handle my heart.

“I need space to think sometimes,” he mutters, a look in his eye like he’s expecting me to attack. “I’m not good with sudden decisions.”

I hate it... but I can understand it.

“Just tell me when you’re going?” I swallow hard. “And when you’re coming back?”

He looks down at me nestled against him, and something surprised and soft moves in the depths of his eyes. Slowly, he nods, then settles me more tightly into his chest. I lay my head into the cradle of his neck.

Jayk is warm and big against me, but his heartbeat is fast and scattered.

I wonder if he’s ever talked like this before.

I wonder if he knows how much it means to me.

“We didn’t grow up alike,” he says after a minute. His jaw clenches, and then he breathes out like it hurts him. “My mom was the best mom in the world. We had shit all, and she worked three jobs to keep us afloat for years when my piece of shit sperm donor wouldn’t pay child support. He practically shit gold, but wouldn’t acknowledge his bastard spawn—and my mom was too love-fucked to even try to go after him for the money.”

Jayk scoffs bitterly, and I keep touching him in slow, even strokes. I think of the picture I saw of him on the trailer with his mom and his brother, the one I hid in his toolbox for safe-keeping. They looked happy then.

Love-fucked.

Is that how he thinks of it? Love as a thing that fucks you over?

Jaykob’s jaw works, and I touch the flex with the gentle tip of my finger.

“She was the best mom until she wasn’t.” He flashes me a defensive, moonlit look. “She got sick. It wasn’t her fault.”

My heart feels like it’s being unthreaded. “How old were you?”

“Ten? Eleven? Ryan was younger. He didn’t get it.” He shrugs one shoulder. “She just started losing time. Forgetting things. Talking to herself. She lost job after job. I wanted to get her help, but we just had no fucking money. I picked up odd jobs where I could, but no one wanted to hire a punk-ass kid. I started in with some shit I’m not proud of—a lot of petty, dangerous things that could have landed my ass in serious water, but it covered rent for a while, and it kept Ryan fed.”

Oh, God. I saw enough growing up to know the kind of things he might be talking about. Thievery. Car jackings.

And that’s on the easy end.

Jaykob’s voice becomes gravel, painful enough to strip skin.

“It started getting worse, though. She’d have these episodes. She got real paranoid, and she’d see things. You couldn’t reason with her. It got so bad I’d just lock myself in the bathroom with Ryan and wait until she finished screaming.” Jayk blinks hard, and I realize his eyes are wet. I press my palm against his cheek, and he swallows with a shrug. “It wasn’t her fault, you know? She was sick. She didn’t mean to.”

Oh, Jayk.

I stroke his cheekbone with my thumb. “I know. You did everything you could have. You kept your brother safe.”

It’s too much. Far too much responsibility for a boy. For anyone.

“How did you get out?”

Please, let him have gotten out.

“She had a brother a few towns over. My uncle. They hadn’t talked since she took up with my old man, but he was a decent guy.” The guilt on his face deepens. “I called him after Ryan started following me to jobs. Little shit was going to get himself killed.”

I have to press my lips together to hold back my tears.Thank you, Ryan, I send up silently.

Jayk looks back at me, a little steadier now. “My uncle owned his own shop, and he took us all in. Even got her on some meds, and they helped her a lot. Ryan and I worked for him for a few years, but my uncle couldn’t really afford it. So when Ryan enlisted, I followed his ass to keep him out of trouble.”

His expression goes black. I know Ryan didn’t make it. I think he’s going to talk about that, but he surprises me.

---