Page 179 of Entangled

Shame burns through me like a fever, and my heart picks up in agitation. I hate that he knows it now too. I hate everything that he can see. I close my eyes, like it might stop me from seeing it too.

“I’m so weak, Jasper. Everyone around me, all of these people—kids, Jasper, Kasey isfourteen—they’re all so brave. They’re fierce and capable, and God, I’m not. I’m afraidall of the time. And that makes me angry, because how dare the Sinners do that to me? How dare they take so much? What gives them the right to make me feel like this? To put me in these situations and become this person. I just want it all to stop.”

I bite my lip as it all fills my throat. “But it won’t. It never will. I know I have to be better, and braver, but I don’t know if I can. I’m not like Heather, or you, or the Rangers. I’m just a librarian. I was never meant for this.”

Jasper’s hand cups my cheek, and it’s only then I realize it’s wet. I open my eyes, and he’s watching me patiently. Steadily. Just holding the space while I get it all out.

When I have myself back under control, he nods.

“To begin, while we’re talking—and I know it’s difficult—but try to avoid using words likealways, andall the time.” His voice is at once delicate and firm. “Superlatives and generalizations are rarely helpful, Eden. It can start to conflate a single action with an entire personality. No one, or two, or five actions define a person’s being. Being able to separate what happened from who you are as a person is important. Does that make sense?”

His words paralyze me, and I stare at his thigh. The heat and press of it against me. Finally, I nod.

“We will go through this together, but I do want to make a few things clear. What you’re describing, the person you’re painting yourself as—this image doesn’t align with my experience of you, Eden.” His gaze has the gentle weight of soft-falling snow.

“You saved Dominic and Beaumont. You navigated a firefight to bring Dominic weapons. Within a week of being captured, you gained a modicum of trust from your captors, put yourself in a position to take action, and you had the courage to follow through on it despite the incredible risk. You managed to free both yourselfandHeather.” Jasper raises his brows. “And that’s not to mention years of survival on your own. All of those actions require resilience and bravery—and also the extremely rare ability to think and act intelligently when your life is in danger.”

I shake my head, throat clogging at the pretty scene he’s drawing. The one-sided coin that hides the horror on the other side.

He catches my chin and turns it up. “You are here as my submissive and not as my patient. If you have something to say, you may ask me for permission to talk—but if you shake your head like that at me again when I am telling you a truth, I will spank you raw.”

His dark gaze tunnels into mine, and my mouth drops open. I’m full of sickness, of guilt and dread and shame.

How can he make me shiver amid all that?

I eye him. Would he really do it?

Jasper releases me and sits back. Something in the calm surety of his face tells me thatyes. He really would.

“Yes, Jasper,” I say, and I’m sure it sounds as stunned as I feel.

He smiles faintly at my expression. “Then listen to me carefully, Eden. We are all made up of decisions and experiences, both good and bad. We are flawed people who triumph and fail daily. It is not a crime to be human.” Jasper grimaces, glancing away for a moment, then back. “It’s something even I have to remind myself of often.”

I run my hand lightly up his calf in an instinctual reassurance—like he’s given me so often tonight. I feel his thigh flex under my cheek again, but he doesn’t otherwise react.

“If your issues stem from a false self-perception, then we can work on changing that. If they stem from problematic patterns of behavior, then we can help break those habits. But choice is everything, Eden. You can choose to do the work. You can choose to fight, to learn new skills, to grow and change in whichever ways will make you proud moving forward.” His voice grows unbearably kind. “We can’t change the things that happen to us—only change what they help us to become.”

I stare at him, thinking. Choice. It always comes back to choice.

WhodoI want to be?

Put so simply, it seems clear. I’ve been on the verge of it for days—fueled by Jayk and Lucky and Beau and Dom. Even Heather, and her urge for me topick one.

I do know what I want.

I want to act in ways that make me proud. I want to be strong enough to protect the people I care about. I want to be brave enough to tell them how I feel. I don’t want to choose between the people I love—and I don’t want them to have to choose for me, either. I want them to have every happiness, because it’s too rare in this world, and they deserve all of it. I want to be better than jealousy and pettiness.

I want what Jasper promised the first day I arrived at Bristlebrook—a family and a safe home.

I can fight for that, I think.

In fact, I think I have a lot of people around me who are rooting for me to do just that.

I look up to find Jasper watching me, that thoughtful, almost unreadable expression on his face again. But this time I see the pride.

“Shall we begin?” he asks, and I nod.

Right now, fighting for that future means fighting for myself... so that’s what I do.

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