Page 28 of Puck Me

“Excuse me.” She sits on the edge of her desk, facing me, and even now I can hardly stand having her so close without being able to touch her. I’ve been stewing in anger for days, but all it takes is having her nearby for all of that to fizzle away into nothing. That’s the hold she has over me. That’s what she does to me. “I am here to do a job right now. What I saw out there today shook me, and it shook the coaches. Who started the fight? Tell me the truth.”

“I did.”

Her brows lift, and it’s obvious she’s surprised before she says a word. “I didn’t expect you to blurt it out like that.”

“Why not? It’s the truth.”

“Why would you do that? What did you say?”

“All due respect, but that’s between Ash and me.”

Her jaw goes tight, but she nods. “Fair enough. You realize you can’t do that again, right? I mean, I shouldn’t have to say that, but I feel like I have to. You can’t go around picking fights, especially not with your own team. I thought you were past all that.”

“Do you mean self-sabotage?” Her head bobs up and down. “Yeah, well, sometimes old habits come back.”

“But why? What’s going on with you? And don’t tell me it’s all about Ash’s visit, because I don’t believe it. I feel like you’ve been holding back for a while now. I can see it in you. Something’s bothering you and you don’t want to say what it is, but I think what happened out there today is an example of exactly why you need to get things like this off your chest before you explode.”

The thing is, I know she’s right. I wish it were as easy as she makes it sound to process shit and let go of it. “No offense, but it’s easy for you to sit there and tell me to work through my shit when you don’t know what’s going on in my head.”

“For God’s sake, tell me, then. As your therapist, as your friend, as… you know.” Right, because she can’t say it out loud. Not here in her office. Just another thing we have to be careful about.

I can’t look at her right now. I am too uncomfortable. I stare down at my hands, instead, and the bruised knuckles are a reminder of what I did to Ash’s face, then Sawyer’s. I hope she doesn’t expect me to be sorry for that, because I’m not. Maybe I will be after a little more time to think things over, but right now it feels too good to regret.

“Be honest with me.” There’s pain in her voice, and it’s enough to make me look up from my hands. I don’t want to hurt her. It’s the last thing I want, ever. “Was it about me? I hate to even ask that question. It feels like I’m being an egomaniac. But I have to know. Am I getting in the way of you guys being able to play well together?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s not as simple as that. I don’t know, maybe things would be easier if it were. He’s obviously got some shit going on, and I didn’t like his attitude out there.”

“Are you still angry that he came to visit?”

“Did I ever say I was angry?”

“Do me a favor.” She folds her arms and rolls her eyes dramatically. “Try that bullshit with somebody who doesn’t already know you, okay? Don’t waste my time. We both know you were angry – or was that just a joke? It sure didn’t seem like it at the time.”

“It felt sneaky.”

“You thought I was being sneaky?”

“Not you.”

“I see.” She takes a deep breath before closing her eyes on the release. “I’m getting in the way of your career.”

“You aren’t. See, you tell me to tell you the truth, and I do, and now you’re turning it into a whole big thing. It would be better if we never had this conversation.”

“But I need to do my job. See, I’m in a really tough position here. It is my job to make sure you guys get along. I need to be sure you can work your way through problems that come up. And now here I am, one of the problems.” She snickers and shakes her head. “Who’s the one with a self-sabotage problem? Because I’m starting to wonder about myself.”

I could ease her conscience if I told her the full truth, something I haven’t gotten the balls to admit yet and probably never will. At least, I don’t plan on it.

But why wasn’t it me? Why did they get to go, and I didn’t? I work just as hard. I’m just as good out there – maybe better, since I’m a hell of a lot more versatile than Ash could be on his best day. I can handle anything the coach throws my way. It’s something he’s praised me for more times than I can count.

I still wasn’t enough for the Orcas to take me. But those two got to go up to Seattle and play with the big boys, and party, and wind up getting into a fistfight in a club, while Harlow waited at home and followed the games and cheered them on. I would never throw that in her face, just like I would never ask her what she thinks they were doing up there as she waited for them here – hell, while I waited for them, too. I couldn’t lay a hand on her, but they were partying with fans and getting in trouble. How am I supposed to not resent that?

I could admit it – at least the jealousy part. The feeling of being passed over. I’m sure she would understand, because she’s an understanding person with a good heart. I can’t force the words out, though. I can’t make my mouth form them.

“Don’t do that to yourself. If there’s shit we need to work out, we’ll work it out. But nobody wants you to beat yourself up over it.” That much is true.

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