Page 86 of Unloved

And lastly, it meant buying plane tickets with our own money to see Kayla for the first time in six years. To say I’m nervous would be an understatement. Just like my mom promised, we started small. Kayla is very well-versed in technology, so texting and FaceTime are like child’s play.

I expected hesitancy and maybe even indifference. I had no idea what she knew of me, or if she even knew me at all. But it appeared like my mother had saved the day one more time.

It was effortless, she had a personality like a firecracker and she loved me more than I deserved.

One day when she’s old enough to understand, I’ll apologize.

I will apologize for putting her in danger. I will apologize for leaving her alone. But most of all, I will apologize for all the times I didn’t try harder to make it right.

I will apologize for the times I let my addiction win, and for all the years we didn’t get to have because of it.

But for now, we’re in the present.

And my men and I are disembarking the plane at a pace that makes me want to scream.

Lennox’s chin lands on my shoulder. “I can’t hear, but I can still sense you cursing about this wait.” I flip him the bird, and he chuckles. “I know you’re nervous, but everything is on schedule and she’s going to be waiting for you as soon as we collect our bags.”

I know he’s trying to reassure me, but it’s a fruitless job at this point. I barely made it through the flight and I could no longer be calm or still.

When we finally make it to baggage claim, Samuel grabs a fistful of my shirt and pulls me to him, pressing his mouth to mine.

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi.

“Breathe for me, okay?” When I avert my gaze and choose not to respond, he inhales loudly and exhales exactly the same. “Do it, baby, please.”

Huffing in defeat, I meet his gaze. “Pulled out the ‘baby’? Really?”

“I do whatever works,baby.” He kisses me again and then releases his hold on me. “I’m gonna hang back with the bags, and you just let me know what you need me to do and when.”

“You don’t have to hang back.”

“I don’t want to overwhelm her,” he says. “If it wasn’t for the fact that you might run into your dad, I would’ve suggested Lennox and I didn’t come at all.”

It was probably the biggest fight we’ve all ever had to date. But the make-up sex makes me look back on it a little more fondly than I would’ve otherwise.

When my sobriety hit the six-month mark, there was no need to question what was next on my to-do list, but when I suggested coming to Japan by myself, neither one of them agreed. In a perfect world, we would all go and it wouldn’t be a financial burden on any of us, but that isn’t the world we live in.

So, when I said I wanted to come alone, that was my only reason for suggesting it.

I wasn’t thinking about the trip itself or the fact that my dad would be around Kayla and possibly attempt to torment me.

Their need to want to come for this reason, made me think that they didn’t trust me in his presence, that they didn’t trust my sobriety and because of that I couldn’t be alone.

That thought hurt.

It was warranted, but it still hurt.

Because while I understood it, we were in such a good place.Iwas in such a good place. There was therapy and meetings and work. I had just started classes to become an accredited sign language teacher, and I hadn’t felt like I was living a life that was mine like this in such a long time.

But then we had the talk and they explained that their fears and distrust had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my father, and all the puzzle pieces fit a little better.

They loathed him. We didn’t talk about him often, but when he did come up in conversation, the anger they felt for him was unrivaled. In all honesty, it made me love them so much more. And even though I don’t think he’ll bother with us while we’re here, there is a part of me that is glad I will never have to face him alone.

Eventually, Samuel locates our bags, and stacks them carefully on the trolley. The three of us manage to hold hands as we leave the terminal and wait for my family to meet us.

Naturally, I spot her first, and my hands tighten in theirs. I watch my mother navigate Kayla through the crowd of travelers. She’s so grown up, it almost makes me want to double over in pain at how beautiful she is and how much time with her I’ve missed.

But I do my very best to not think like that anymore. I can’t agonize over the past because I can’t change it, but I sure can put the same amount of energy into living in the here and now.

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