Page 68 of Unloved

“I’m so sorry,” I manage to choke out. “I’m so, so sorry.”

He scoots the chair closer, and grabs my hand, nothing but empathy and heartache etched in his features. “Hey, hey. No apologies needed. We just want you to be okay.”

At the mention of more than one person, my unshed tears fall and my fears and failures are the only thing I can see. “I can’t let them see me like this.”

My voice is pained and scratchy.

“They want to be here for you,” he tells me. “We all do.”

Sobs rack my body as I shake my head in complete denial. Nobody wants to be around for this.

“I did this once, too, you know,” Arlo says, this bit of information taking me by complete surprise. “Lennox doesn’t know. Neither does Clem or Remy. They were too young and it was too much to burden them with.”

He holds my gaze. “I don’t think I wanted to die,” he confesses. “But I know I didn’t really care about living either.”

I process his revelation and ask myself some serious questions.

Did I want to die?

“Frankie found me,” he continues. “Frankie found me and it broke his heart. He forced me to go to rehab, and I hated him for it. We wasted so much time apart because of my stupidity. Don’t let it be like that with Lennox and Samuel.”

I don’t want to lose them, and the onslaught of panic at the thought of them pushing me away, has me wanting to rip this Band-Aid off sooner rather than later.

“Why don’t I get them for you?” he offers.

Just as he stands up, my hand shoots out and grips his wrist. There’s one more thing I need to tell him. He glances down at me expectantly. “It happened at work.”

There are so many rules and regulations on drug use at the gym that there is no way I won’t end up paying for my mistake. I hate that Arlo is between a rock and a hard place, but on some weird level, I appreciate that he has any loyalty to me at all.

“You don’t need to worry about it right now,” Arlo assures me. “Just focus on yourself.”

Focus on yourself.

I don’t know what that means when all I can focus on is Lennox and Samuel.

Just as Arlo reaches the hospital door, I call out to him, and he glances over his shoulder. “Do you think they’ll forgive me?” I ask.

“Is there any reason they won’t?”

* * *

They’re both cautious as they step into the room, and it pains me to no end, to have them be so unsure about me. They’re holding on to one another, and as always, happy or sad, they’re the most beautiful whenever I see them together.

They veer out to either side of the bed, and Lennox surprises me completely when he pulls the blankets, indicating he wants to get in beside me. With the cannula in my left arm, he’s able to climb in on the other side without a hitch.

Wordlessly, he shifts us until we’re both on our sides and he’s molded his whole body to the shape of mine. With his front to my back, he buries his head in my neck, wraps his arm around my waist, which I cover with my own, and holds me like he has no intention of letting me go.

This way, I have the perfect view of Samuel.

He pulls up the chair Arlo was just sitting on and moves it close enough that almost all of his upper body is leaning over the mattress. With my left hand resting over Lennox’s, Samuel reverently places my right hand in his and brings his mouth to my knuckles, kissing every single one, then returns it gently to the bed.

His eyes fill with unshed tears, and I see just how deeply he’s hurting.

I hurt them both. I hurt them differently. But I broke his fucking heart.

My left arm covers Lennox’s and I squeeze it as I look at Samuel.

“I’m so sorry.” The words come out on a shaky breath, and I do everything I can to hold back the tears but fail miserably when I see them streaming from Samuel’s eyes.

---