Page 66 of Unloved

He shakes his head.

Samuel: I don’t want to lose him.

Samuel: I don’t want to lose either of you.

Samuel: Ever.

He shuffles till he’s on his knees in front of me, grabbing my face in his hands. He presses our foreheads together and then his mouth is on mine. He’s all anger and hurt, desperation and fear, and I just want to be exactly what he needs.

I’ll take it all and give him all the love back. Angry love. Hurt love. Desperate love. Scared love.

So much scared love, because that’s what we are. The three of us.

Scared. Sofuckingscared.

* * *

“He doesn’t want to see anybody else but you,” I tell Arlo.

The words hurt every time I say them, but I have to constantly remind myself Rhys’s needs are the most important. It doesn’t matter that we just want to be there for him; I have to respect his process and hope the end goal is the same for all of us.

We were finally able to be seated in the waiting area right outside his room, but it just made it that much harder to be so close and respect his wishes to stay away.

Frankie and Arlo were in Seattle when they got the call, and it means more than I can put into words that Rhys is as important to them as he is to us. And the fact that there is at least one person he’ll see now, I hope he realizes he isn’t alone.

Wordlessly, Arlo nods and makes his way inside the room, and I turn to check in with Samuel as the door closes. “Are you okay?” I ask for maybe the hundredth time.

He just nods, closes his eyes, and tilts his head back.

Feeling a tap on my shoulder, I see Frankie holding his phone out to me.

Let’s go for a walk. Maybe Samuel wants a drink.

I know if I ask he’ll say he doesn’t want anything, so I don’t bother asking. Instead, Frankie and I head to the cafeteria, the silence with my brother the comfort that I need. It’s surprisingly busy for this time of the night, and Frankie and I are standing in line when I admit something to him I never thought I would say.

“I understand why you left now.”

He narrows his eyes at me in confusion, but I see his features straighten as what I’m saying registers.

“I know it wasn’t exactly the same with Arlo,” I acknowledge. “But that feeling when your heart drops to the bottom of your stomach…” My voice cracks, and the strength I had for Samuel is still with him in the waiting room. “And you don’t know if everything is okay until you see them with your own two eyes. How many times is someone supposed to go through that?”

Not giving a single care that we’re in a line, surrounded by other people, my brother turns to me, tears spilling down his face, and he collects me, and all my baggage, in his arms. We stand there for seconds or minutes, neither one of us caring or rushing.

“I’m so so sorry,” I say through tears.

When we pull apart, Frankie wipes underneath my eyes and straightens my hair, the same way he did any time I was upset when we were younger.

Ordering our drinks, we take a seat in the cafeteria and Frankie slips his cell out of his jacket pocket and begins typing.

I hold my cell in anticipation.

I should’ve taken you with me.

His confession stuns me

I know that now. I should’ve given you the choice to come even if you would’ve said no.

I would never have said no.

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