Page 24 of Jalen & Colby

That’s the part that makes my mind go blank, I’ll be honest. I’m not sure what I’m expecting to happen between us. Maybe nothing at all. Hopefully, we’ll create some amazing memories. All I know is that I want to spend more time together. I’m prepared to sit back to a certain extent and let the chips fall where they may.

Because I’ve been on group holidays before and never had these kinds of worries about what was going on. It was just a bunch of mates doing something fun together. But with our age gap and the whole sugar Daddy thing, I am aware there are other factors at work. I’m not that much in denial.

When I think about these boys, I have alotof feelings. Complicated, contradictory feelings that I’m not sure what to do with. Try as I might, I can’t deny that I find them both extremely attractive nor that my body reacts to them when they’re near.

It doesn’t seem to be bothering me that there are two of them. Not once has a voice popped up in the back of my head saying that if I’m gravitating toward them, that I should pick just one. To me, that doesn’t seem to be an issue. They’re so naturally a pair. My little yin and yang of quiet versus explosive energy. Separating them just seems wrong.

Again, that probably should be an issue. That’s not normal, right? But what’s ‘normal’ anyway? Besides, I’m not planning on acting on any of these confusing urges. I swore to myself that I was going to look after these boys, and that doesn’t involve taking advantage of them. I’m just a friend to them. A father figure. I’d never betray their trust.

So for now, I’m carefully folding those feelings away into a box. As with everything I’ve done since we met, I really don’t have an ulterior motive other than taking care of them. They’re mine to spoil.

And to protect, Jesus H. Christ.

Even just thinking about what I’ve gleaned regarding Colby’s family makes me want to punch things. I’ll be totally honest, coming out to my parents in the nineties wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. I didn’t ‘look’ gay, according to them. Not like the few queer celebrities on the telly who were either overtly fem or just flat-out drag queens. I think mostly they were simply fucking terrified that I was going to get AIDS and were trying to protect me but…yeah. There were a few tense years back then.

I feel incredibly grateful for how far they’ve come. Anisha has always been on my side, and now my nieces are my biggest advocates. Hell, they even got my mum watching UK Drag Race and took her to London Pride this year where she wore a T-shirt that said ‘Free grandma hugs!’ I don’t think she was prepared for how many people would take her up on that offer or how emotional it might get.

Because even in this day and age, some people’s families still disown them for the supposed crime of being who they are.

There’s no doubt in my mind that my family loves me unconditionally. It’s part of what’s made me pull my head out of my arse and make these plans to go back and see them this year. No one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, and enough time has passed. A catch-up is long overdue.

But Colby doesn’t know he’s unconditionally loved. In fact, he knows the opposite to be true. The idea of that sweet, special young man being sent away somewhere where they tried to drill it into him that he’s somehow wrong or perverted or a sinner makes me sick to my stomach. And even though Colby stopped him from finishing his sentence, I’m almost certain that Jalen was trying to tell me that Colby’s father was physically violent with him.

I curl my fist as I lean against the breakfast bar that separates the living room and kitchen spaces. I’ve never been an aggressive person beyond video games. But if I ever came face-to-face with that man, I’m not sure I’d be able to control myself.

Exhaling, I release my fist and center myself in the here and now. The past is done. The future is uncertain. All I can do is dedicate myself to the present with my whole heart. I’m going to give those two boys a trip they will never, ever forget.

Movement catches my eye, and I immediately stand up straight. But then I relax and smile as a sleepy Jalen emerges from the spare bedroom. I wait until he carefully closes the door before giving him a little wave.

“Hey,” I whisper.

He rubs his eyes and pads over to the kitchen. He’s wearing soft shorts and an off-the-shoulder cropped tee with rainbows all over them. “Thought you were asleep,” he mumbles.

I chuckle as I go to fetch him some water. “Not yet. I was thinking over some things. Travel logistics,” I lie, not wanting to worry him with talk about Colby’s family.

He nods and accepts the drink that I assume he came out here for. He gulps some down before yawning and then blinking at me, like he’s finally actually waking up. “I was asleep, but then I had a nightmare, and then I was just thinking all these things, and I couldn’t get back to sleep, not really.”

I tilt my head as I look at him. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Anything you want to talk about?”

He rests his hip against the breakfast bar so he’s facing me as he chews his lip. Then he places the water down and crosses his arms. I know it’s the middle of the night, and I imagine neither of us wants to disturb Colby, but he’s being unusually subdued. Normally, when he rouses in the morning, he does so with a marching band and confetti cannon in tow. Being sleepy shouldn’t dampen his spirits this much.

Oh, no. Did I go too far with this trip suggestion, after all?

He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times. Then I’m horrified to realize that his eyes have filled with tears.

I move before I can think, enveloping him in my arms. “Jalen, what’s wrong?” I hiss as he clings to me.

“I’m sorry,” he squeaks quietly, his body shaking against me. “I don’t want to be selfish. I really don’t. But I really want to come on this trip! I’m so sorry.”

I frown, not following. So I look back in order to look him in the eyes. They’re glassy. and I take a second to brush the tears from his cheeks with my thumb.

“What are you talking about? Of course you’re coming on the trip. Why are you sorry?”

He takes a couple of jagged breaths, his brows knitted together. “I don’t want to get in the way.”

Nope. No idea. “Of what?” I probe.

He looks away and tries to squirm out of my grasp, but I hold on to him. I can’t say I’ve been particularly domineering in my previous relationships, but I can tell this is a Daddy thing, and it’s hitting me hard and fast. I’m not letting him go until he tells me what’s wrong so I can make it better.

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