Page 110 of Icing Hearts

“Let’s sit on a bench by the water.” I gesture toward the pond with the cup in my right hand.

Jack nods, his right hand protectively rising to my back in an absent-minded gesture. This is right. He’s the right person for this. This isn’t a mistake. Jack has proved himself time and again. I remind myself of these truths when everything in my nature tells me to pull away. To keep everything inside and just keep surviving. Hiding.

So I know what I have to do. I just need to work up the courage to do it. To take the step and let someone else in. To live.

I let out a shaky breath, tears already threatening to spill from the corners of my eyes. “It’s time to come clean Jacky.”

“I had a feeling,” he says and pulls a travel pack of tissues from his jacket pocket. It’s beige and corduroy, with shearling trim. A little Autumnal for spring, but Jack’s never been one for fashion.

“How’d you know?” I ask.

“Your hair. No ribbons today. And your glasses. It’s easier to cry in glasses.”

“Jack, I’m floundering.”

“I can tell. You ready to talk?”

I sputter, and let out a little laugh. “No.”

“Clara, please.” Jack’s arm is on the back of the bench, along my shoulders and he gives me a gentle squeeze.

“I wasn’t finished. No, I’m not ready. But my secrets are poisoning me. The threads of the life I present to others are unraveling quicker than I can sew them back together. You’ve been there for me even when I didn’t want you to be.”

He nods, unwilling to talk, for fear of spooking me, it seems.

So I push forward. “The last weeks have been…tumultuous to say the least. I looked in the mirror after Vince broke up with me, and I barely recognized myself. But then I thought about it and realized I didn’t really like who I was to begin with.” I take a deep breath. “Jack, my dad is physically abusive.”

I look over at him, even though I know I should just keep explaining because the look on his face makes me want to take the admission back. Horror and something like guilt color his features.

“Oh my gosh. Clara.” Jack angles his body toward me, searching my face like he’ll find something there. An errant bruise as proof. Scars. Playfulness to suggest this is a bad joke. “Are you… okay?”

“Internally or externally?”

“Both.”

I shake my head. “No, definitely not. It happened almost a year after she died. I thought it would be the only time and that he just lost his temper. It wasn’t even that serious. But then it happened again. And again. And by the time it became a regular occurrence, I felt so ashamed and too scared to tell anyone. I realized he’d changed. He’s not the dad I grew up with. And I realized I’d changed too. The two people I loved most got ripped away from me. One by death. And the other by choice. So I started showing people what I wanted them to see and kept anyone from being able to see past that. I’ve been surviving.”

“I’m so sorry, Clara. You deserve so much more. We have to get you out of that house.”

“I know.”

“Tory’s and my dad hate each other. I can’t say much, but it’s bad. There’s a history between them that Tory hid from me.”

Jack gives me a knowing nod. “So that’s what happened with you guys?”

“Yeah, he finally told me. I wanted to stay mad at him forever.”

“Well, is he sorry?”

I nod. “He is. I know he only kept it from me because he didn’t want to hurt me. And it wasn’t even his fault. His dad put him in the situation, and he just didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Do you think he’ll do something like this again?”

“Um…” I take in a quick breath, thinking. “No. I really don’t. I don’t believe Tory and I have any other secrets between us. I’m in love with him, Jack. I have been for so long. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m finally ready to have something real with him and he’s not? What if he gets hurt? He could die tomorrow. Like, a bunch of different ways. He’s not terribly safe, you know.”

“You said you’ve been surviving. But that’s not truly living. Beautiful things aren’t as beautiful without the contrast of the ugly. You’ve lived through such ugliness. Let yourself enjoy something beautiful, Clara, for however long it lasts.”

“I’m scared.”

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