Page 105 of Icing Hearts

I do the same before replying, “I told her the truth about something. A truth I’d long kept hidden. Because I knew it would bring about our imminent demise.”

Vince looks at me and scoffs. “You gotta stop reading so much.”

“Shut up, Culbs.”

He strides off, shaking his head.

I wish I could walk away from myself.

Foolish isn’t how most people would characterize me. Clara isn’t one of those people. And now, neither am I. Because it was utterly foolish of me to think things couldn’t get this lamentable. While I knew Clara going from unrequited love to bewitching nuisance to friend to lost love…was possible, I didn’t think it was likely. Truly, in the deepest parts of my heart, that only she has access to, I believed she would forgive me. That she would understand why I waited. How it’s not my fault, and she’s angry and punishing the wrong person.

But she didn’t.

Honestly, I can’t blame her.

And that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I make sure to rev my bike as I roll past the high school at noon on a school day. Sometimes it’s a greeting. Sometimes it’s showmanship. Sometimes it’s a middle finger in the air. Today, it’s the latter.

Truancy has become more consistent than attendance. It’s the first week of May. The last day of school is two months away. Prom is two weeks before that. Not that I’m going.

My grades are slipping but I’m doing what I have to in order to move on to senior year. The faster I’m done with high school, the better. In fact, the thought of another year seeing Clara, day in and day out, pining and longing and watching my heart die a slow, painful death? Well, it’s a fate worse than death.

Everyone handles heartbreak differently. I am getting another tattoo today. A big one. Blowing thousands of dollars is easy for me. So after I eat up hours and hours getting stabbed with ink and metal, I’ll buy something. Maybe I’ll get Clara a car. Something sensible. Or I’ll plan an end-of-year party. I’ll figure something out. Always do.

I deign to show up at school the next day and it’s clear that my confession has taken a physical toll on Clara. Hair in a messy bun. Yoga pants. Glasses. Barely any makeup. No nail polish. Making out with Vince in the middle of the hallway. The cafeteria. School library. While none of these things in and of themselves are wrong or unacceptable in any way—although school administration does discourage public displays of affection—cumulatively, they aren’t Clara. Not the Clara I grew up with.

The level of self-loathing I feel is well-deserved. I did this. My lie changed her.

She won’t even look at me.

But Vince will.

“How is she?” I ask him.

“Why do you care, Amato? You’re the one who hurt her.”

My heart pounds. “Did she tell you—”

“What happened? No. For someone who hates your guts, she’s awfully loyal.”

Loyal. Not sure if that’s the right word but at least she heeded my warning about staying quiet.

“What’s going on with her?” I ask. “She isn’t acting like herself.”

“You don’t even know the half of it. You aren’t the only one who has parties, Amato. She’s getting blackout drunk almost every weekend.”

“So, why won’t you stop it? She’s spiraling. She fell asleep in class today. You’re her boyfriend, Culbs.”

“Because I can’t!” he explodes. Then quieter, “I can’t. I can’t get through to her. I tried to get her to talk to someone, but she won’t. I thought she was gonna strangle me when I mentioned talking to her dad.”

“Don’t talk to her dad.”

“Well, I’m doing the best I can to help. I make sure I’m the one to take her home every night. She stays at my house with my family more than her own. When she won’t do her homework, I do it. I mean, I don’t do a great job, but she won’t fail math, at least.”

“That’s going to mess up her GPA. She won’t get a full-ride.”

“Well, then why don’t you help me? Fix what you broke, Amato.” He spits the words like venom and guilt nearly bowls me over. “Do her homework with me. I’m not even in your grade. I know you like to act like you don’t care but everyone knows how smart you are.”

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