Page 100 of Geordie

We hold hands when the doctor tells us that although a miscarriage is devastating, it's not rare because one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. Somehow Lily finds comfort in this surprising information. When we return to her apartment, she heads for her laptop, where she finds hundreds of women telling their stories on the internet. She sits for hours listening and leaving comments, bonding with others who are coping with similar pain. I'm happy that she's found something that has given her some peace, but she's still reluctant to speak about her feelings to me.

On the fourth day, Lily's mother arrives along with Maria, Harv's wife. There's no room for me either in the apartment or as they encircle her with their support. I leave, going back to my apartment, where no one waits to comfort me.

Lochlan comes into view, brows furrowed, a straight, disapproving mouth. I adjust the laptop screen so I'm in the center. I take a drink and regard my cousin. “Where are you? I think I've missed an email or two from you,”

“Australia. I know we haven't talked since you texted us that Lily lost the baby, but I wrote back; you never responded.”

I place my chin in my hand, trying to remember if I'd seen an email from him, then I realize I haven't looked at any texts or emails for days since I left Lily to grieve on her own. “I've been busy. You know, diligently attending to the responsibilities you left me.”

It looks sunny where he is. No doubt Lochlan is in the suite of the best five-star hotel in Sydney.

“Layla told me that for the last few weeks, since you lost the child, you've been in the office early and long into night working. She says you've been using my apartment on-site instead of going home.”

“She's exaggerating.” Has it been that long? I shrug and take another drink of my whiskey and let it dull my senses so I can get through this conversation. “Layla just wants to mother me and I'm not in the mood.”

“What else have you been doing with yourself? Are you supporting Lily through this?”

“I've been doing this and that, going here and there. As for Lily, she has an excellent support system, a woman's network. She doesn't need me.”

Lochlan shifts in his seat, folding his arms. There's a lecture coming.

“Did I tell you I received an email from Granda?” Cutting Lochlan off before he takes over the conversation. “The wily bastard found out about the miscarriage, although he didn't say how. He berated me for not telling him about Lily or that she was pregnant with my child. Then he had the nerve to say that he understood the loss. Granny had two miscarriages before they had their firstborn. He said he was sorry and advised me to get back on the horse as soon as possible.”

Lochlan rubs the back of his neck. “I told him about the pregnancy when you announced it. He said nothing because he was waiting for you to tell him yourself.”

A pain of regret hits my insides. I said nothing to Granda because I didn't want to fight with him about my uncommon way to have a child.

“Granda means well, in his way,” Lochlan interjects. “It shook him when I told him about the miscarriage. I think he was already making plans to come to America to see the child after the birth.”

I imagine the reunion with Granda. He'd be overjoyed to welcome the next generation of MacTavish. I rub my face. The thought plunges me into the blackness again.

“Geordie, I can see this is affecting you. You need to snap out of it. Lily lost the baby… you didn't. We have a break in the schedule. I can come back if you need me.”

I'm pained by the rebuke that I'm not keeping to the MacTavish way. We're a clan that represses unacceptable feelings, then carries on with the job. I push the glass away to show I'm in control. “I'm alright. I'm planning a bike ride, so that should see me right. Remember to give Kenzie my love. If you stay in Australia to play in the volleyball tournament and send Kenzie in your place, I'll welcome the visit.”

He chuckles, the sound reminding me of better days. “I'll let Kenzie make that decision. You know she loves you. She'd drop everything if you needed her; we both would.”

“Aye, and I appreciate the offer, but there's no need.”

“In the meantime, cousin, you have decisions to make. Are you going to try again with Lily, or will you move forward with a surrogate? My vote is that you find a woman, have a proper relationship that will end in marriage, and start a family.”

Lochlan is voicing questions I'm trying to avoid. I know a conversation with Lily is the only way I can decide, but she hasn't reached out and I haven't either. From her silence, I believe our co-parenting experiment is done.

“Thank you for the advice.” I was going for levity, but it came out as sarcasm.

“Man, I'm glad you called,” William says. “I was worried when you didn't call back or answer my texts.”

I'm staring at my bike I keep in storage. When I told Lochlan I was planning a bike ride, that was a lie. After hanging up, I thought it might be a better idea to ride than drink all afternoon.

I was almost embarrassed to call William after reading his texts. “Sorry, I've been busy after the–” My voice trails off. I'm in horrible shape if I can't even say the word, but William saves me.

“Yeah, I get it. It's gotta be rough.”

“I called because I want to ride. Do you have time today?”

“You're a lucky man, my friend. My ex just took Emmy. My little pink terror is visiting her grandmother and she won't be back until after the weekend.”

“I was hoping to see Emmy.”

---