Page 11 of Everything For Love

“It’s too late,” she tells me. “I have to be there by the twenty-first. I’ve already talked to Amelie, she wants to go with me, Nick.”

“I know she does. I’m only trying to protect her from disappointment.”

“What if she loves it there?”

I fight back a wave of emotions. “I did, when I went, but I was there with a different purpose. I fell in love there. It’ll always hold a special place in my heart, and I hope for your sake, Amelie feels the same way.”

“She will.”

I inhale deeply, wishing things were different. “So, it’s settled?”

“What about Mack?”

Shrugging, I shake my head. “I’ll be back before school starts. It’ll all work out.”

She stares at me, and I wonder what’s going on in her mind. I wish like hell she would open up to me, tell where all of this anger, resentment, and hatred is coming from. The sudden dislike for Josie is concerning. I’m tempted to ask Josie if something happened, but it’s not my place because I’m trying to respect Aubrey's friendship. I fear asking would somehow get back to my wife and I would pay dearly.

Aubrey tilts her head. Is she trying to see through me?

“Thanks.”

Thanks? That’s all I get?

“Yep.” I don’t tell her she’s welcome, because she’s not. I hate that this is what our lives have come to. I push away from the door, needing space.

“Hey, Nick?” She calls after me. Reluctantly, I turn back toward the room. “Despite me asking for a divorce, I still love you. I just . . . I need to get out of here. I feel like I’m suffocating.”

I say nothing.

4

She’s suffocating. What am I even supposed to say to her? How does one respond? I feel like my life has been a lie, at least the part with her. Here I am, thinking we have the perfect life with two perfect kids, and my perfect wife is suffocating, but never says anything. When we made love, was she suffocating then? How am I supposed to unpack any of this without losing my mind?

After the kids get home and we have dinner, I go out. I need to be alone. I need space to think and process my failed marriage. I had hoped that with me suggesting I go with her, she’d change her mind about taking Amelie, and give up on the notion that our daughter needs this life experience. I know Amelie probably better than she knows herself. She’s not going to be happy once the newness of the adventure wears off. She doesn’t like dirt or being overly hot. Sharing isn’t her idea of fun either and I’m fairly certain Aubrey hasn’t told her that she doesn’t get to bring any of her electronic devices or any of her things when they go out on a mission. Which, knowing the agency, will be right away. Then what’s Aubrey going to do with a bored ten-year-old who isn’t accustomed to the lifestyle Aubrey grew up with? Should we have introduced the kids to the work their grandparents do? Absolutely. Did we? No, we failed in that department of parenting.

I drive around for hours until I find myself in the parking lot of the liquor store. The red sign hums from the electricity surging through the neon bulbs. The Q is out and has been for at least ten, if not fifteen years. My phone rings and Josie’s name shows on the screen in my car. I press the button.

“Hey.”

“Hi, just checking to make sure Mack is still coming with us?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Great. I’ll let Noah and Paige know. Just pack him whatever warm clothes he has. I’ll order him a ski suit thingy or whatever they’re called.”

“Thanks. I can pay you.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it.”

“Does he need to bring anything?”

“No, I think between Jenna, Katelyn, and myself we’ll have it all covered.”

I nod and look out the window. “Thanks, Josie. You don’t know how much this means to him. And to me.”

“It’s our pleasure.”

We hang up and I sit there, contemplating if I want to go into the store or just go home. I hate that I left Mack there without a buffer. He doesn’t deserve what’s going on. Neither does Amelie. Siblings pitted against each other because parents can’t figure their shit out can’t be fun. He wants to stay. She wants to go. The Ashford men want one thing, while the women in our lives want something that tears our family apart.

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