Page 9 of Catch My Fall (Catch)

The storm that was my parents’ marriage cameto a head one Saturday morning when I was seven. My mother was at the stove making eggs for breakfast and I was carrying out my duty of setting the table. As I got to my father’s spot, he made a sound of pure annoyance as he looked up from his paper to announce that there was no need for me to put silverware at his spot since he was leaving.

I can still hear my mother’s nervous laugh when she asked him where he was going, and I’ll never forget the look of absolute disdain on his face as he informed her that he had bought himself a penthouse apartment and movers were on their way to get his things. After a few seconds my mother started to cry, but I can still see her initial reaction in my mind, and I know that what she felt first was relief. I knew right then, with absolute certainty, that she had only stayed with my father because of me, and I felt like I had ruined her life. I never said that to her, but I felt it deeply. In a lot of ways, I still believe that getting pregnant with me left her in a terrible situation that adversely affected her life. I said as much to my therapist and she had adamantly told me that after all of the sessions she had been in with my mother and myself over the course of the past few months she was positive that my mother only ever saw me as a blessing. I love my mother and my mother loves me, but I would be blind not to see how much easier her life would have been if she’d never had to deal with John Reeves.

Watching my father leave that day was awful and it sickens me that hebelieves he handled things in an up-front and very fair way. When the movers came, they emptied out his office, his closet, his den, and the rest of it was left for us. He had already filed for divorce and had my mother served about ten minutes after the movers showed up. In his most detached voice he told her that it had been inevitable from the start. He then instructed her to “buck up” and move on, pointing out that per their pre-nup, she would be keeping the house, her jewelry and her car.

“For a girl that got knocked up in her senior year of high school,you made out quite well, Michelle,” he said matter-of-factly. “I have to pay for everything for the kid until she’s out of college, which means that you’re in pole position to find a new sugar-daddy. You’re twenty-five and passably attractive, so it really shouldn’t be that hard. If you’d like, I’ll even let some of the guys I hang out with know you’re on the market again.”

She hadn’t said one word as she turned and walked away, and other than discussing things about me, shehas never willingly spoken to him again.

I was never close to my father, ever, but I did love him and I prayed every night that I would be good enough for him to love me back. That day I remember feeling like I should try to show him that I was sad he was leaving in the hopes he would stay for me. In my little girl mind I thought that maybe if I told him, he would change his mind.

Walking over to where he was standing at the door watching the movers do their thing, I had tapped his arm to get his attention. He looked down impatiently at me and snapped, “What?”

“I… I don’t want you to go,Daddy. I want you to stay here with me!”

The tears that made their way down my cheeks were warm, but what he said back to me made them feel like battery acidpermanently burning my face.

“Jesus Christ, Mia! First of all,don’t call me Daddy. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that? It’s either John, or Father if you absolutely insist on trying to pretend that I’m a parent. Look, I get that you’re seven and you’ve got to do some sniveling about this, but, honestly, I really don’t have time for your bullshit. I’m just a guy who made the mistake of nailing some two-bit trash without a condom. I didn’t ever care about her and I certainly never wanted to have kids. If my parents hadn’t insisted that I marry her, I wouldn’t have done it. Now that they’re both dead, I’m free to finally live my life. I did the best I could and if that’s not good enough for you, tough. This is life, little girl. It’s selfish of you to stand here and ask me to stay and be miserable.”

I remember being glued to the spot with mortification and I said nothing as he glared at me. With one final shake of his head, he looked at me and said, “Christ, you look even more like your mother when you cry. How I got stuck with a family that looks like it came straight out of a Florida trailer park I will never know.”

After those soul-crushing words, he had left without a backwards glance. I didn’t see him again until six months later at Christmas, and that pretty much set up the framework of our ‘relationship’. We spend Christmas Eve together with my Uncle Jesse and their aunts and uncles, and I see him again for Easter, also with his extended family. If it weren’t for the fact that those were family events, I’d never see him at all. Truth be told, I would prefer it that way. In reality Uncle Jesse and Neil have been the male influences in my life and I flat-out don’t like John—less so now than ever. Any pipe dream that I had tucked away in my heart about him one day having a come-to-Jesus moment and wanting a relationship with me died on the vine this year, and I’ll never be foolish enough again to believe that he has even a scintilla of concern for me or my well-being.

I startled out of my thoughts of the past when a piece of folded paper hit my armthen landed on my desk. Picking it up, I saw it had my name on it. I turned to look at Tristan and found him smiling at me.

I mouthed, “From you?”

He shrugged his shoulders in an attempt to be mysterious, but the glimmer in his eyes answered the question for him. Opening the folded paper I found that he’d written me a note. A NOTE! I’ve never in my life gotten a note or a letter from a guy. Hell, I haven’t even gotten a card. My fingers shook a little as I read what he had written.

Mimi-

It’s true; you’re giving me a complex.

I’m sorry about taking a pen I didn’t need. Don’t hold it against me.

Friends? Check one of the boxes and let me know.

( ) Yes ( ) No

If you say yes, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship the likes of Chandler and Joey, Affleck and Damon, JWow and Snooki or my favorite BFFs, Marlin and Dori.

Who in their right mind would pass that up?

Say yes. I know you want to.

~ Stan

At first read, I came up short and my hands got clammy from panic, but then I focused on all of the advice that my mom and my therapist have given me. I’m not in guy jail. Not every guy is my dad, Brady or Chad. I can be friendly with Tristan if I want to and....I actually want to.

I knew I should check an answer off and give it back but I really, really didn’t want to. If Macy were here we would be going over this note with a fine tooth comb, dissecting each and every word. But since she’s not I would take it to show it to her when I finally got to see her. Folding it up, I tucked it into my bag before ripping out a piece of paper from my notebook and writing a note of my own.

Stan-

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is: I accept your offer of friendship.

The bad news:

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