Page 32 of Catch My Fall (Catch)

Giving her a dirty look I snapped, “Great, thanks a lot for making me feel like we don’t have a shot because I’m not doing enough.”

It’s not as if she said anything that I haven’t thought to myself, but it stung to hear someone else say it. I know that Tristan’s past is full of one night stands, and I worry that the fact that we don’t have sex, or do anything to release the pressure he’s got to be feeling, is going to make him lose interest. I’ve tried to up the ante so that he isn’t suffering, but he’s having none of that and I don’t know why, which scares me.

Waving her arms frantically she shook her head. “No, no! I didn’t mean it like that! Yes, I’m surprised that you’re not having sex, but what that tells me is that he really, really likes you! It’s a huge deal that Tristan isn’t having sex, but not in a bad way at all. I am so happy and proud of him for shutting down the beast and learning to follow his heart instead of his, um, ‘head’. If Trace had been able to do the same…”

I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to her about Trace in weeks. Either I’m talking to her on the phone, and Brandon’s nearby, or I’m texting her and that’s too impersonal. Right now is the first chance I had to discuss the situation with her and I took it.

“Darby, about Trace… He isn’t having sex with anyone. He hasn’t been out of the house other than to go to school or work in weeks and he’s an absolute mess. He pretty much shut down the day you drove away and he’s been miserable since then.”

Her jaw hit the floor as she gaped at me as though I just told her that our teachers were aliens. “That… that can’t be true,” she stammered. “Trace willneverstop doing all of the crap that he does. You must be wrong.”

Shaking my head emphatically, I told her the facts. “No, honey, I’m not wrong. I’m at their house almost every single day and hedoes. Not. Leave. I guarantee that if he’s not at work, right now he’s sitting on the couch watching TV. Tristan’s had people over twice to try and cheer him up and both times, Trace locked himself in his room. He’s completely miserable and Tristan’s worried about his frame of mind but so far nothing that he’s done has made any kind of a difference.”

Just like that, she lost it. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she held her hand over her mouth to stifle the sounds of her crying. “Oh God… please, please tell me he’s not sitting there watching ESPN for hours. He’s not, right?”

“Ah, yeah, he is.”

She made a sound of distress that was so gut-wrenching even I felt it. “He hates sports but he’s done this before... If he’s lost or doesn’t know how to handle things, he shuts down to punish himself. I never thought he would do that over me…I didn’t know…I can’t believe Tristan hasn’t said anything to me about this.”

She was doing that breathing that you do when you’re trying desperately not to fall apart and cry like a baby, and I let her work it out for a few minutes. Finally she whispered, “I really hurt him by leaving.”

“Yes, you did, but you need to remember that you did what you had to do. He needed that wake-up call. He misses you terribly, Darbs. He was asking me about you every day until Tristan put his foot down and told him he had to stop because it was killing me to see him so upset. I’ve wanted to tell you, but we haven’t been alone until now and I didn’t want to drop this on you in a text.”

I grabbed a tissue and handed it to her, watching in silence as she wiped at her tears and got herself under control.

Her voice was full of emotion when she finally spoke. “I’ve always been such anidiotfor him. I’ve excused his behavior, railed at it, ignored it and I even tried to deal with it as it pushed me under and spit me out onto the shore. I don’t think love needs to be rainbows and heart-shaped boxes filled with chocolates, but I need it to be more than a hurricane and pathways lined with hot coals. Every girl dreams of a Prince Charming showing up with a glass slipper, but my Prince only has a jagged glass shoe on a spike heel.

“I want to believe that he might be changing, but on the other hand, I don’t really think he can. I think that’s the worst part of all of this—that I’ve lost my ability to believe that I’ll ever really have that big love I always dreamed of. I love Brandon as a best friend, but I’m not in love with him. But…I hope that maybe… someday… I could learn how. And maybe someday I can learn how to love Trace less. Is it so wrong that I just want something easy and sweet? I know Brandon loves me as a best friend too, and I know he’s not in love with me either, but I think that maybe one day he could be. I’m dying inside every time I kiss him because he isn’t Trace and Brandon knows it and doesn’t push me at all.”

I nodded at her encouragingly; glad to hear that Brandon hadn’t been rushing her into something that I believe she doesn’t really want.

“He’s such a great guy and I’m lucky that he wants to spend time with me, even though he knows I’m hung up on Trace. He’s done nothing but comfort me when I cry. He’s shown me compassion and loyalty and I just can’t drop everything and tell him to fuck off because Tracemightfinally be having an attack of conscience. Knowing that he’s fallen into such a destructive pattern kills me and I don’t know what to do. What if he’s only temporarily gotten hold of himself and I rush in there like an idiot and the next thing we know he’s back in line at the whore buffet? And what does it even say about me that when I hear that Trace is having a hard time, I want to run to him?”

I struggled with how to answer her, but in the end I went with honesty. “What it says is that your heart is with Trace, Darbs. I think your heart chose him a long time ago, and even though Brandon is a great guy, he’s not the guy that you really want to BE with.”

Covering her face with her hands she shook her head and groaned out loud. “Which means that staying with Brandon would make me a coward and an asshole. I don’t love him, but I really, really care about him as a person. I don’t want to lose him, Mia. I really, really don’t.”

Standing up, she grabbed her purse. “Mia, can I borrow your car? I have to go to Brandon’s. I need to spend time with him, need to tell him everything that you just told me so we can talk it through together.”

I couldn’t believe that she was going to talk to Brandon of all people about Trace. “Of course you can take the car, but, Darby, do you really think that Brandon is the person to talk to about your feelings for Trace? Would you really be able to be honest with him without worrying that he’ll be mad at you?”

Shaking her head emphatically, she reached out and gave me a hug. “Absolutely not. Brandon knows everything, Mia. He’s become my best guy friend… I guess it’s complicated to explain how close we’ve gotten and clearly I haven’t done a good job, but I just really need to talk to him. I’ll text you later and I’ll call you tomorrow when I’m on my way home to pick you up.”

My mouth was probably on the first floor of the dorm considering how hard my jaw fell as it dropped open. “You’re going to spend the night there?”

“Trust me, it’ll be an all-nighter. When Brandon and I get going, you can’t shut us up. He’s not going to be mad, Mia. He’s told me a million times that if I want to be with Trace, I need to follow my heart. You’d understand more if you spent time with him. I’ll text you later. Bye!”

Chapter Seventeen

I texted Tristan as soon as Darby left because I was hoping that he’d come over to hang out.

Me: Hey

Tristan: Hi babe. How’s girls’ night going? Better than guys’ night, I hope. It’s boring as hell over here.

Me: Girls’ night was a bust, too. Darby went to Brandon’s.

Tristan: How about we do a Mimi and Stan night then? I’ve got candy and popcorn with our name on it.

---