Page 18 of Catch My Fall (Catch)

My stomach was screaming ‘don’t do it, asshole!’ as my hand reached into the bowl, but I got a small handful and put it in my mouth. With the first bite, I was in heaven. H-E-A-V-E-N. I’d never have mixed that series of snacks, but they came together for the perfect blend of salty and sweet. I smiled at him as I chewed, giving a thumbs-up of approval.

“See,” he said proudly. “It tastes fuckin’ awesome! People always talk shit but I’m telling you, I could sell this.”

Gesturing to the drinks on the table he asked, “What’s your poison?”

I felt it, the stirrings of the clawing panic. Closing my eyes for a minute I tried to center myself. I could accept a drink from someone. Not every guy is out to drug girls. Besides, these all have lids on them. It’s safe. I’m safe. Tristan isn’t Brady or Chad. Opening my eyes I said, “I’m going with water.”

“Water? I only brought that out cause it was cold. When I was at Walmart I just kept pulling shit off the shelves in the hopes you’d like something I chose… guess that didn’t work. Oh well, water it is. You have to tell me what you like to drink so I can have it here for you.”

I felt the butterflies again, a million tiny wings fluttering in my stomach. He thought of me while he was shopping and tried to pick things that he thought I would like. I’ve never felt as if I’ve been considered before, but with Tristan, I think I am. After twisting off the cap I took a sip and smiled at him. “If we were just eating popcorn I would have picked the Snapple cause that’s my favorite. But since we’re eating from the cavity buffet tonight, I’m choosing to wash it down with something that won’t have me bouncing off the walls.”

“If you bounce off the walls, I promise I won’t say a word.”

“Aw, thanks Stan,” I replied with a laugh. “You’re a real friend. I have to ask though… what’s the deal with you and this crazy diet? Yoo-Hoo, candy, chocolate…you eat terribly!”

I swear that I could actually see the shutters coming down in his eyes. WhatI’d said clearly triggered something, but I’m not sure what. I felt like shit because he’d been nothing but nice to me, and I didn’t mean to upset him. God knows I understood how the wrong words can stir up painful feelings.

I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed before answering. “Trace and I were raised by our grandmother and she was very, very strict. We weren’t allowed to eat anything like this unless we did it behind her back while we were at the McKenzies’ house. Now that I buy my own food, I automatically reach for the things I was denied all of those years.”

“That happens a lotto kids these days,” I answered. “My mom is pregnant and she’s getting all wrapped up in the organic food movement. My stepfather and I are trying to talk her out of being the food police. I’m so bringing up your sweet tooth to her as an example of what happens when you make a food off-limits.”

He laughed as he rolled his beautifulchocolate eyes at me. “So now I’m a cautionary tale?”

“Not exactly,” I said with a smile. “Other than your sweet tooth, you seem to have turned out perfectly normal.”

“I can think of someone who would disagree,” he muttered.

I didn’t know what to say to that, and he jumped up to put the DVD in before I could put anything together. We were laughing out loud during a lot of the movie and whenTedwas finished, we moved on to21 Jump Street. I had a lot of fun with Tristan and I felt comfortable—not totally at ease, but as close as I’ve come with a guy since the night that Brady and Chad annihilated my sense of trust. When the movies were over I helped put the leftover snacks away and then I left. The whole way home I smiled like a dork because for the first time in my life, I think I really have a guy friend.

Chapter Nine

You don’t just ‘get over’ something like what happened to Macy and me at Brady’s house on Saturday night. I still feel like forty miles of bad road and I also feel guilty—so fucking guilty—about the fact that none of it would have happened if Brady weren’t out for some sick form of revenge on me because of my father. Why, I have no idea since my father clearly prefers Brady and I’ve never been anything but an annoying afterthought. I’ve always known that Brady dislikes me, but I had no idea how deep that ran until now. I should have known that his stance on me hadn’t changed. I wish I’d never told Macy that Brady had texted to invite us over. I feel like a failure for not trying harder to put my concerns about his invitation into words that she understood.

Dealing with all of that is emotionally exhausting, but the thing that shames me the most is the fact that I feel any sense of relief that Brady and Chad didn’t take my virginity. Even though I don’t know why they didn’t, I’m relieved. I feel like such a horrible failure as a friend for thinking that. It kills me that I have any sense of comfort that I wasn’t violatedin the way that my best friend was. What kind of a person does that make me?

I wanted to stay home from school today but Macy was insistent that we absolutely had to be there. She’s been almost totally unglued since the shit hit the fan on Friday night and I’m worried that even one wrong turn could make her lose control of herself. It’s scary as hell and I’m going to do everything I can to keep her calm. She needs me at school today so here I am, standing in front of our shared locker waiting for her to finish pulling out her books.

She looks awful and it’s scaring the shit out of me. Her coloring is terrible and she looks like a tiny gust of wind would knock her over. The bags under her eyes are so bad that if I didn’t know better, I would swear that she hasn’t slept in months. On top of all that her hands are shaking so badly she’s having trouble getting her books.

“Mace,” I begged in a quiet whisper, “Just let me take you home.”

Slamming the locker she turned and glared at me. “I’m not going home, Mia. What do you think I’m going to do there all day that’s any better than this? At least being here I won’t be staring at a wall thinking about what it felt like to have both of them inside my body at the same time. I need to be here, need things to be fucking normal. Just please… let me have this. School has nothing to do with them or what they did to us, and I need to be here.”

The morning crawled by at a snail’s pace, and by the time lunch arrived I felt like I’d gone a few rounds in a UFC cage match. I feel like I’m in an alternate reality than everyone else at our lunch table. They’re all laughing and talking about the weekend while Macy and I sit here and try not to act weird. Trying not to act a certain way instantly makes you feel like a freak. Things that used to come naturally seem impossible now and I just want the day to be over.

Feeling my phone buzz in my pocket, I pulled it out and opened the screen to find a message from Brady. My heart stopped and my head began to swim, and it was only when Macy grabbed my hand in a death squeeze that I snapped out of it at all.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered.

My voice was suddenly on strike and I couldn’t say a word. I knew that if I opened my mouth, I was going to vomit. I showed her his name on the screen and then I jumped up from the table and ran to the bathroom. I heard her keeping up with me the whole way, and once we got inside I ran into the large handicapped stall and dropped to the ground. She was down on the floor next to me in a second.

She set her head on my shoulder as I brought the phone up and swiped the screen to open the message. My brain turned to mush when I saw that he’d sent photos, and Macy’s gasp sounded like it had come from far, far away.

There were a series of five pictures, each one worse than the last. In the first photo Macy and I were both naked and posed in a way that made it appear as if we were making out. In the second, I had Brady or Chad’s penis in my mouth. In the third, Macy was on her knees and one of them was having sex with her. In the fourth, I was naked on the floor and Macy’s head was between my legs. The fifth and final shot was of Macy with semen on her face and my head buried between her thighs. After the last photo, he texted:

Brady: Remembering our fantastic Friday. If you want to come over later for a repeat performance, I’m UP for it.

I knew that Macy and I were completely out of it and not participating in any of those photos. You could see that we were totally knocked on our asses if you really looked, but if anyone else ever sees them, they’re going to think that we were complete whores who had been very much into what had happened that night.

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