Page 16 of Christmas Carl

“Sure, take this?” Nick holds out the coil of lights when he gets to the edges of his reach.

“Sure. This is going to look fantastic.” I pass it around the tree and back to him. As we work at spooling the lights down the tree, I peruse the ornaments. I go to get another strand each time we run out of length. Before long, we get to the lowest branches and Nick plugs in the end of the last strand.

“Wow!” Joy bubbles up in my chest at the warm golden glow of the lights. “It’s perfect.”

Nick loops his arm around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder to admire our handiwork at my side. “It’s getting there. Next is draping mom’s rustic garland on the tree, the window sills, and the mantle.”

I follow his directions to transform the living room into Tina’s perfect woodland Christmas fantasy-scape. Felted gnomes and woodland creatures peek out from behind glittering pinecone and felted mushroom garlands. The tree matches in muted earth tones.

We’re running low on the last box of tree ornaments when “Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree” streams from the speakers. I can’t help dancing my way around the tree as I place the final fox peeking out of the soft fir needles. I dance, utterly unselfconscious until I notice Nick watching me like I’m the most interesting sight in the room. He licks his lips, like he wants to say something but can’t find the words.

“Dance with me?” I offer him my hand. Nick hesitates before taking it and letting me twirl him into the dance. We rock around the tree, then bop along to the next singer, belting out that all she wants for Christmas is you. Just like at the skating rink, the song reaches inside and squeezes my heart. And when the song changes to slower crooning, Nick lets me pull him into a close hold so we can sway together.

Nick gazes into my eyes like they hold all the secrets of the universe and I don’t shy away, because what if they do? Nick follows my lead as effortlessly as if we’ve been dancing together for years.

Is this what it’s like to be swept off my feet? It’s nothing like falling in love has been for me in the past. No breathless loss of gravity as I brace for the landing, just moving from joy to joy and giving myself to all of it, no holding back.

This is the sort of attentive love I’m going to hold out for when Nick goes back to the city: someone who meets me where I am. Who hears my wistful stories of snowball fights and gives me one. Who is willing to follow where I lead. Breathless kisses, sweet touches, no demands.

We sway in place as the last lines of the song fade. I’m caught in his gravity, our bodies melded together from chest to groin. Our lip merge as if we’re magnetized. I can’t stop kissing Nick. I hold his hips snug to my body and his hands caress the sides of my neck and along my jaw, deepening the kiss.

“Wow, this place looks fantas—Oh, goodness!” Tina’s voice wrenches me a step back from her son as she bursts into startled laughter. She has one hand on her walker and the other pressed to her chest as she smiles at us. “Here I was thinking we were past the phase where I had to worry about walking in on you with a boy, Nick!”

“Sorry, Mom.” Nick gives her a rueful smile as he scratches at the back of his head. “We finished decorating and, uh, got a little carried away.”

“You’re both grown men.” Tina waves away his apologetic explanation. “Feel free to get as carried away as you’d like; just consider doing it in your bedroom before any clothes come off?”

“Mom!”

“Miss Tina, I’m not that kind of boy!” I protest in my campiest tone. But I can’t quite dredge up any real heat to my feigned outrage through the roiling in my gut at all the assumptions rife in their gentle banter. Like, of course, the next step here is getting naked and fucking. As if this golden and glittering moment isn’t enough all on its own. As if I’m not enough. I swallow back the lump of raw emotion in my throat.

“I should get going.” I edge away from Nick.

His fingers trail down from my shoulder and over the back of my hand. Instead of letting my fingers drop from his grip, he squeezes my hand, wordlessly asking me to stay.

I can’t face this right now though.

“What? No, dear! I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. Of course, you can stay as late as you want.” Tina looks mortified at the thought she might have shamed me into leaving.

“No, it’s fine. Just late. We have so much to do at work before the holidays, and I’ve got an early bird drop-in Santa’s breakfast group tomorrow.”

“Oh, I might see you there. For the cookies, you understand.”

“Your doctor hasn’t cleared you for work yet.” I plant my hand on my hip, my equilibrium restored as we move to firmer conversational ground.

“Psh. I’ll come as a visitor then. The cookies compel me.” Tina winks.

“Of course, just for the cookies.” I snort with laughter. “I can’t stop you, as long as you’re up for it.”

“Oh, speaking of cookies, the ladies saw your car out front and wanted me to invite you to our annual swap on Friday. I know it’s short notice, but I wasn’t sure I’d be up for hosting sooner.”

“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss your cookie swap. How many cookies do I need to bring?”

“Six dozen? There are around ten guests coming, so that will be enough of each type for everyone to take at least half a dozen.”

“Sure.” I dart a glance toward Nick, bite my lip and commit. This is still happening. We are still pretending our way to the perfect holiday week. Where I can be everything he wants and have all my dreams come true. “Nick, would you want to come over tomorrow night and help me bake them?”

“Sure! I’ll be there with silver bells on.” He smiles so sweetly at me. I lean in to kiss his dimpled cheek, then I hug Tina and take my leave with one last backward glance at Nick.

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